I made her tell me

I phoned my mum on Thursday night and asked her to tell me more about what was going on with her. She has this tendency to not tell me anything until long after the fact. Like on Monday, the one just gone, she mentions that she had to go to the doctor for some antibiotics. I asked her why and she quietly announced that she had had some day surgery a couple of weeks ago and the area had become infected. She told me it was nothing I needed to worry about. Then she changed the subject.

It preyed on my mind for a few days, especially when I mentioned to a nurse friend on Thursday that mum had had the day surgery and she said that perhaps I should find out a bit more.

So I rang mum Thurs night and said that because I did not know why she had had the surgery I was worrying and I would appreciate it if she could fill me in. And she did.

Apparently the doc found some cysts on her ovaries, they did a biopsy and she is now waiting for the results. There was also something to do with her bladder but she seemed to skim over that and I did not push. I asked her if she had caught a taxi home and no, the b.....y woman sat in the surgery for a couple of hours, reading a book, until the nurse said mum could drive home. Oh, she makes me so cranky. Anyway, nothing can be done right now, but I shall be glad to be closer to her.

I am sad for other reasons today. As I get closer to leaving my job I realise how much I am going to miss the people, and the books, and the book talking. I really truly love working in a library and I really truly want to end up back in one. How is yet to be determined.

If I get this job at Centrelink I will be dealing with, for the most part, unhappy people. I wonder if I should hold out for a different job, or whether I should look on it as an opportunity to hone my customer service skills. I haven't even got the job yet, lol. Would it be better to be unemployed for a while? So many questions run through my mind.

Do I question my decision to move? No, especially with mum being the stubborn woman she is, I think it is time I started keeping a closer eye on her.

But I do wonder how it is all going to work out.

Another concern
I have noticed that I am experiencing tremors in my hands and arms. It is quite odd, feeling like I am shaking/shivering alot of the time. It is sometimes affecting my writing and I have to write slower. If I tense up the tremor feels worse. When I hold my phone up to my ear I can see my hand shaking.

I wonder if it is related to my carpal tunnel, which has not been an issue since I lost weight. The tremors are usually barely visible to anyone but me. They have been around, off and on, for quite a few years, but these last couple of weeks they are not easing, and, as I said, it can feel a little weird sometimes. I have not mentioned it to anyone, I did a little research, it is not uncommon and there is no cure. There are drugs for it if it begins to affect my ability to function.

so much to do

well, it is four weeks till I leave this city I have resided in for the last 3 and a half years. Perhaps I will miss it. I know I will miss my job and my friends, but I am not so far away that I cannot organise to come for a visit.

Right now I am exhausted. I applied for a job with Centrelink up in the Central Coast recently. On Tuesday night they called me and did a 20 min phone screening, then asked me to be at an assessment session the next day at 2pm. On the central coast. For 2 and a half hours. Of course I said yes, then got off the phone and began stressing. I called mum because I quickly realised that I was going to have to take all three kids with me as I would not get back to the city in time to collect them from their various places after school. She was happy to babysit, thank goodness.

So yesterday I drove from Sydney to Newcastle, deposited my children with my mum, drove back down to the Central Coast, participated in two teamwork activities, filled out a stack of paperwork, and then drove back up to mum's, had dinner and drove back to Sydney. All up, approximately 7hrs of driving. We got home at 9pm.

I then worked on my computer from about 9.30pm till midnight on a training session I will be running next week.

Tired.

Ok, so the assessment appeared to go fine, I may get a call back next week to go up again and do more assessment and testing, and then I may be offered a position. The pay is equivalent to what I get here, the hours are similar and fixed, the working environment will be challenging and I may have to drive an hour each way depending on where I am located. Could be interesting.

Mum has been house hunting for me even though she has not been well, and she viewed a house on Tuesday which she thought I could make a home out of for a while. So on Wednesday I put in the application and now I am waiting to hear. The property manager took a shine to mum, so I feel like I have a good chance.

D and I are going well. Our r'ship is kind of comfy at the moment, we chat a little most days and I find I am not stressing or bothered if I do not hear from him. I enjoy my independence and I am incredibly grateful that he is not clingy or needy, I enjoy it a little, but not alot. He is really looking forward to me moving up and us having a chance to spend time getting to know each other.

My Tattoo

I got this on my right hip the other day, all part of the 'living life' thing I am doing lol. Getting a tat was never on my list of things to do, but when I went to NZ I realised I wanted something a little more permanent than a t-shirt or a piece of jewelery. The photo was taken about an hour after the job, so that is why it is a bit red round the edges.

No, it is not really a mid-life crisis...or is it?

Someone said to me the other day that it was almost like I was having my mid life crisis now. I can see what they mean, and I guess that what I am doing is alot like that. I think a mid life crisis is when you get to a point in your life where you wonder if that is all there is to it, and you freak out a bit and go do some crazy stuff.

Well, yes, I have done that in a sense, but it was mainly about rediscovering who I am as a person, learning some valuable lessons about what I want and need, and who I want around me as part of that. I also needed to do the things that I had dreamed about for years, that I kept putting aside because 'other stuff' was more important.

I feel ready for a new phase in my life. I feel relieved that I have experienced some of what life has to offer. I felt like I was boring, all I did was work and raise kids, and I wanted to have something other than that as part of my memories.

You don't have to do something big to make yourself feel that way. Write a list of dreams you have, from the little to the big, and try to make just one or two of them happen for you. One of my smallest goals was to learn how to do strike throughs on html stuff. Another was to lose 5kgs, another was to start dancing. All of these were pretty easily achievable and I felt so good about ticking them off my list that I wanted to keep going with slightly bigger stuff.

And I did.

Now it is your turn.

The Promise by Tracey Chapman

If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
I in your heart.

Mona Lisa Smile

There has been alot of speculation over the years over what exactly Mona Lisa is thinking about when she had her portrait painted. In her quiet smile and wistful eyes I see a glimpse of myself.

I believe she is thinking of a lover. I believe she is not in the room with the painter, but miles away musing on a moment shared with a person who brightens her day and touches her heart. I have found myself with that very look upon my face when I day dream of D, of a moment we have shared, whether it be the first time we held hands and I felt the shock of contact ripple through me. Or the first time we kissed and it felt like heaven on earth. It may even be when I think of the last time we spent time together and I remember how good it felt to be back in his arms again after so much had happened between us.

She smiles because she is in love.

lifes little lessons

I wish I had someone I could talk to about how I feel about D. About how he makes me swing from one emotion to another without even knowing it. In fact, it is not him that does it, but me and my head. My head is a pain in the ass sometimes, with the scenarios it concocts to make my insecurities come to the surface, instead of just letting me go with the flow.

Music has such an amazing influence on me. I listen to alot of music and I find that I will hear a song and think 'oh, that is a perfect way to describe how I feel', like "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, or "Your arms feel like home" by 3 Doors Down. And when I am unhappy there is always song about unrequited love, or painful loss, to assist me with my mood, lol. D and I both love music, we both feel influenced by it, we have similar taste in music.

I want so much for things to go ok for us. I get that it is not going to be easy. I have come to realise that generally all people want is to be accepted as the flawed person they are, but when in a relationship that acceptance can take a back seat to what we perceive as our own needs and wants. We get caught up in our own expectations of how things should be. I often wonder if I am capable of accepting another flawed person in my life, when I struggle so hard with my own flaws at times. I do believe that acceptance is the key to a long lasting relationship tho, that you love the person in spite of their faults, and maybe a little because of them.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should accept things that are morally or ethically wrong, like a guy thinking it is ok to smack a woman now and then. I am talking about things like, a guy who never puts the toilet seat down (I have a friend who really cares about this, lol), or he...god, I don't know, but I am sure you get what I mean just from that one example, lol. I mean, do these things really matter? They can matter. They can be the little things that add up to make an unhappy relationship. But really, if we just accepted the small stuff, and were tougher on the big stuff, surley that would make for a better, longer lasting relationship.

Like, I already know that D has trouble turning up to something on time. That does not mean that that something is not important to him, it is just that things happen and he gets side tracked and before you know it he is late. Now I am a bit pedantic about being on time. This could be a future conflict for us if I come to resent it. Or, I could choose to accept it and then adapt us to suit. Eg I have heard of people telling their partners that they have to leave at such and such a time, but the time is actually half an hour before they need to leave, so that then no one is stressing about getting out the door on time. The difference is accepting it and going with it, rather than trying to change him and bend things to how I want them to be.

If only it were all as simple as that example, but I realise it won't be. I do definitley need to take a chill pill tho.

Another area of possible contention is his difficulty with saving money, well, with not spending it, lol. He really struggles with this, so much so that he could not see how he and I would manage on our two incomes (which totally blew me away cos to me we would have been very cosy indeed). I have learnt alot over the years, about budgeting, and buying out of need rather than want. I like having money in my account, and I like not having debt. I am in a good position financially at this point in my life and I like it. But I can see that if D and I combine, then I will have to hold the purse strings so that we are able to have a comfortable life. He and I have actually discussed this already, so thankfully he is aware of his weakness and feels okay with having me handle things. I am so far in credit with one of my child care providers that they actually asked me to stop paying them money. It is great cos it will be an extra lot of money I can put away each week, woo!

I often question the need for relationships. I used to do this alot when I was with my Ex, it was an interest of mine. Really, relationships are primarily for procreation and maybe company. There is not really any good reason for us to persist in staying with a partner for an extended length of time. But still, we seek out 'the one', our soulmate, the Yin to our Yang. And when we think we have found it we want everything to be perfect. It is easy too get caught up in the emotions and feelings etc. But reality quickly kicks in.

Things I have discovered about myself recently
- for me, good sex is heavily controlled by my thinking. I can switch myself on or off physically by what I think about. This affects the experience.

- I do like affection, but not as much as I thought I did. I require space. I do not like clingyness. Yes, I like a hug, or a touch, but not all the time.

- I like sex, but do not need or want it every day. The anticipation is as much fun as the act.

- I like spending time with people, but require my own space at some point. I start to feel crowded if I spend too much time with someone. How much time is too much? No idea. Depends on the person.

- I am willing to compromise, but thankfully have learnt to put my foot down and not be afraid to speak up when I really want something.

- That I get cranky/bitchy when I feel crowded. That the best thing I can do is go get myself some space, whether that is by going off to read a book, or put my headphones on, or go for a walk.

- that I am quick to react. I really do need to take a chill pill.