Weekends, for me, are usually about recovering from the week before and re-energising for the week ahead. But I am not. Energised, I mean.
I worked Saturday morning and then for some wild reason I had volunteered to work Saturday afternoon as well, so I had a couple of hours break at home in the middle and then back to work until 8pm. I sat in front of my computer for 3 hours, not good. My eyes and butt was so sore by the time I left.
Working Saturday meant that the housework was saved for Sunday. yay. Being sans washing machine I had this brilliant idea that I would take the clothes to a self-service laundry. No-one told me they would be closed on a Sunday. Damn. I spent some time this afternoon hand washing uniforms so that we would all have something to wear for the next couple of days. I never thought I would find myself hand washing again, I haven't had to do it since my poor uni days, lol. My knuckles are a little raw.
My productiveness - I baked cookies and made sausage rolls, washed, went shopping, danced to the Wiggles and Hooley Dooleys with Toddler, played Monopoly with, and got beaten by, No.2, checked the worm farm (going well) and the veges (also going well), vacuumed (again! it is a daily de ja vu, lol).
I have spent a couple of days reading an interesting book called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay: a step by step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship' by Mira Kirshenbaum. Well, the title says it all (and so it should, it's long enough!). Now, most books at the library are all about how to save a marriage. This is one of few that actually look at, well, what reasons would you have to stay and is it really the right thing to do. It is written as a series of questions and guidelines, relevant discussion and case studies. You read the question and decide whether it applies to you, then read the guidelines, etc. You can stop at one, or keep going like I did.
Early on in the book it talks about relationship ambivalence, where you see-saw between wanting to leave and feeling like you should stay (for whatever reason). I feel like that. But I want to stay for material reasons, not because of love, or belief that this time we can work it out.
So what Ms Kirshenbaum asks you to do is to put your relationship on trial. Ask yourself the tough questions, such as
'Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?
This could be a special weekend that you and your patner had together, or when you were working together on a joint goal. For me it was my wedding day. One bright moment out of so many less than sparkly days. I remember feeling like there were so many wonderful possibilities ahead of us, that we would be united together, that we would share dreams and goals and children and our lives. But I realise, looking back, that we didn't know each other very well, that we hadn't talked about dreams and goals before we made a 'lifetime' commitment, that we really had no idea of our future. I realise that my hopes were based on a fantasy I had, of my knight in shining armour rescuing me and caring for me all my days afterward.
Another question was
'In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives you a feeling of closeness for a while'
Well, my answer is a big fat NO! (you can count sex as an answer, but only if it meets all the criteria listed above - anticipation, sharing, togetherness, closeness afterwards). And you know what, looking back I don't think we ever had an activity that both of us looked forward to. We had stuff that we did together (like going to the movies), but it was because DH liked it, or I wanted to, it was not something we anticipated and it certainly didn't generate closeness.
Well, I don't think I need to list any more questions, if you are ambivalent about your relationship I suggest having a read of it, you may find that, while you have a couple of speed humps, they are somewhat easy to get over. In my case the majority of my answers pointed to leaving as the better option. I can't say I disagree, but it doesn't make the decision any easier. It is simply not so clear cut. Reading this book made my heart ache and made me shed a few tears. It is not a nice thing to feel like your marriage is over, without actually being able to face it and deal with it. I am in a limbo state.
I may seem heartless when I talk about staying for material reasons rather than love. I still want to stay in my job for a couple more years, even though I know that it would mean struggling financially. Since I know how much stress that will cause I know realistically that I need to walk away, but damn it is hard. I like who I work with, I like my job most of the time, I have a great position, I am respected and the money is nice. The negatives are that I spend very little quality time with my kids, that I struggle every day in some small way to be a working mother and run the house the way I would like, that I struggle with being full-time. My ideal job would be part-time, in a similar position. A managerial job share position came up recently that, if I had my four years work experience, I would have/could have applied for. At this point in time I don't have enough experience and I had envisioned myself getting it as the library I am at now. This is what I struggle with. Not the leaving of DH, but the leaving of my job.
I worry about whether leaving is the best thing for the kids. They don't see much of DH, that is true, and when they do see him he is generally on the lounge. So I don't think leaving him will be such an issue. But I would be asking them to leave their schools and their friends and starting all over again somewhere else. I am not so sure about that.
I also read an awesome and moving book about teens, written by adolescent psychologist Michael Bradley. It is called 'The Heart and Soul of the Next Generation'. The heroes of the book think of themselves as ordinary people, but when faced with major life challenges they respond with acts of bravery, courage, and strength. I recommend this to anyone who has, or will have, teens.
What I got out of it was that it is important to be real with my sons, so that they see me not just as their mum, but as a human being with needs as well, that I make mistakes too and admit it, face it, and move on. I also realised that they need to be loved unconditionally (as much as I can), and be given the opportunity to make their own mistakes (within reason). That firm boundaries are important, for their sake and mine, but that if they step over the boundary there is fair consequences and forgiveness.
Blogs for today...
Oh the Joys
Owlhaven
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
GIrls are weird
I am blogging during a work break because my internet at home is making steam come out of my ears! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it does for about 10 minutes, and then stops and you can't get it going again. And the phone....grrrrr....I rang my mum last night and was cut off three times in an hour. I gave up after the third time.
So hence my absence for the last day or so. I think I shall call my provider and blast their ear drums, except cutting off their connection will leave me with no phone/WWW at all until I get something else organised. Deep breaths....
My washing machine has broken down again. I am so not impressed. As a mother I am reliant on my washing machine for ensuring my children remain clothed in clean attire, as well as my own need for a clean uniform for work. This time the spin/drain function is not happening, so I have someone coming to look at it next Monday. Please let it be a simple problem.
BOOKclub was entertaining yesterday. I had three year 6 girls attend and discussion ranged into all sorts of weird and wonderful areas. For example, we were talking about swallowing bugs, then one girl said 'What if you swallowed a caterpillar, would it still turn into a butterfly?' It is amazing the descriptions that developed from that, of a butterfly emerging from the mouth (along with appropriate noises).
We also discussed what was 'in' at their school, and what was not. So according to the girls, at the beginning of the year all the girls were into boys (but the boys were, like, 'eeewww'), then they got over that and everyone was in to 'Smiggle' (a stationary brand), now the boys are into girls, the girls are all 'whatever' and the girls are into playing 'stacks'. yes, 'stacks'! The game where you all pile on to one person. I asked if that hurt and they said 'yes, but no, like, sort of, but it's fun'.
bizarre
I thought boys were weird.
Was I weird like that when I was their age? I remember being into boys and books. I used to race my best friend across the quad to the library, I thought it looked like I was showing off, but it was actually because I was too shy to walk across! I probably attracted more attention by running, lol. So yes, I guess I was a bit weird.
My boys aren't really weird. They are very funny though. We have a fake plastic spider in the house that keeps popping up in the oddest places! It is a family game that we have going, to see if we can scare each other. It's gone past that now though, because we recognise it as soon as we see it. Today I found it in my handbag, after I had left it on No. 2's shoe. hmmm, where can I put it?
So hence my absence for the last day or so. I think I shall call my provider and blast their ear drums, except cutting off their connection will leave me with no phone/WWW at all until I get something else organised. Deep breaths....
My washing machine has broken down again. I am so not impressed. As a mother I am reliant on my washing machine for ensuring my children remain clothed in clean attire, as well as my own need for a clean uniform for work. This time the spin/drain function is not happening, so I have someone coming to look at it next Monday. Please let it be a simple problem.
BOOKclub was entertaining yesterday. I had three year 6 girls attend and discussion ranged into all sorts of weird and wonderful areas. For example, we were talking about swallowing bugs, then one girl said 'What if you swallowed a caterpillar, would it still turn into a butterfly?' It is amazing the descriptions that developed from that, of a butterfly emerging from the mouth (along with appropriate noises).
We also discussed what was 'in' at their school, and what was not. So according to the girls, at the beginning of the year all the girls were into boys (but the boys were, like, 'eeewww'), then they got over that and everyone was in to 'Smiggle' (a stationary brand), now the boys are into girls, the girls are all 'whatever' and the girls are into playing 'stacks'. yes, 'stacks'! The game where you all pile on to one person. I asked if that hurt and they said 'yes, but no, like, sort of, but it's fun'.
bizarre
I thought boys were weird.
Was I weird like that when I was their age? I remember being into boys and books. I used to race my best friend across the quad to the library, I thought it looked like I was showing off, but it was actually because I was too shy to walk across! I probably attracted more attention by running, lol. So yes, I guess I was a bit weird.
My boys aren't really weird. They are very funny though. We have a fake plastic spider in the house that keeps popping up in the oddest places! It is a family game that we have going, to see if we can scare each other. It's gone past that now though, because we recognise it as soon as we see it. Today I found it in my handbag, after I had left it on No. 2's shoe. hmmm, where can I put it?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Rainy days
It has been pouring with rain today. Toddler loves the rain, and he especially loves puddles! So when I picked him up from Kindy today we spent some time jumping in the puddles (yes, I jumped in them too, of course). He just thought that was the bees knees, lol. He has a little yellow rain poncho type thing that has a hood, but he does not like having the hood up. He looks like a little bit of sunshine in a cloudy day when he wears it.
One day he will discover the joy of mud pies.
It is very very cold. 9 degrees in fact, with icy wind and rain, brrrr. The hot water bottles will be out tonight!
Rainy days make me think of the Carpenters song - Rainy Days and Mondays. Oh, it's Monday today too! Lol. I had the Carpenters playing when I was in labour with Toddler, it was just the right type of smooth flowing music that I needed. I recall singing along to it in between contractions, and focusing on it when in the middle of one.
One day he will discover the joy of mud pies.
It is very very cold. 9 degrees in fact, with icy wind and rain, brrrr. The hot water bottles will be out tonight!
Rainy days make me think of the Carpenters song - Rainy Days and Mondays. Oh, it's Monday today too! Lol. I had the Carpenters playing when I was in labour with Toddler, it was just the right type of smooth flowing music that I needed. I recall singing along to it in between contractions, and focusing on it when in the middle of one.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Sleeplessness and clutter
My eyeballs are beginning to hang out of my head due to self imposed tiredness. I have recently discovered Tamora Pierce - I have read 'Trickster's Choice' and 'Trickster's Queen' and with both books I found myself awake into the wee small hours of the morning because I just could not put them down. I am very excited about reading more from this amazing writer.
I have been attempting to address clutter issues as I am keeping in mind my desire to have a simpler life, and that includes just being content with less. Besides, I had a number of boxes, in a shed, that I haven't opened in the year we have lived in this place, so it was time to do a real sort and chuck. I spent yesterday and today on this project and am satisifed with the dent I made. Out of 10 boxes I got rid of the equivalent of 5. Pat on the back for me, lol. We are having a council pick up tomorrow, the boxes of stuff that is going are sitting out there waiting to disappear.
I have been saving carefully for a few weeks now as there were some items I wanted to replace - old and/or broken with new. So today I went out and bought...
A new computer desk
Headphones for the computer (required for sanity)
Kettle (I wore the other one out)
A mouse for the computer (replacement of 'antique', lol)
A fish tank! This was purchased as our goldfish (his name is Spud) has grown out of his previous home, I expect he will be very happy to move.
A camera. hmmm, well, the old one wasn't actually that old, or broken, but I hated it passionately. It was very temperamental and this made photo taking very stressful. Mind you, I have gotten some absolutely gorgeous photos with it, but it's not worth the pain as I believe I can do it with the new one too. I will be testing it out soon.
So Sunday was spent building a computer table. It seriously took me and the boys (great helpers) 4 hours!!!! I was sooo glad when it was finally finished and set up.
We also visited a lovely friend who I haven't seen for a while, the boys and I went expecting to stay an hour, and ended up there for nearly three!
Here's another blog for you to check out...
I have been attempting to address clutter issues as I am keeping in mind my desire to have a simpler life, and that includes just being content with less. Besides, I had a number of boxes, in a shed, that I haven't opened in the year we have lived in this place, so it was time to do a real sort and chuck. I spent yesterday and today on this project and am satisifed with the dent I made. Out of 10 boxes I got rid of the equivalent of 5. Pat on the back for me, lol. We are having a council pick up tomorrow, the boxes of stuff that is going are sitting out there waiting to disappear.
I have been saving carefully for a few weeks now as there were some items I wanted to replace - old and/or broken with new. So today I went out and bought...
A new computer desk
Headphones for the computer (required for sanity)
Kettle (I wore the other one out)
A mouse for the computer (replacement of 'antique', lol)
A fish tank! This was purchased as our goldfish (his name is Spud) has grown out of his previous home, I expect he will be very happy to move.
A camera. hmmm, well, the old one wasn't actually that old, or broken, but I hated it passionately. It was very temperamental and this made photo taking very stressful. Mind you, I have gotten some absolutely gorgeous photos with it, but it's not worth the pain as I believe I can do it with the new one too. I will be testing it out soon.
So Sunday was spent building a computer table. It seriously took me and the boys (great helpers) 4 hours!!!! I was sooo glad when it was finally finished and set up.
We also visited a lovely friend who I haven't seen for a while, the boys and I went expecting to stay an hour, and ended up there for nearly three!
Here's another blog for you to check out...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I've been surfing
hmmm, let me collect my thoughts for a moment...
(pause)
Well, tonight I have been surfing the blogweb and discovering ever more blogs to read. It is the initial discovery that takes the longest as you read some of the blogger's most recent posts to get a feel for the person and their style of writing, before deciding if this is a blog you would like to visit regularly. Me, I love to read about other people's lives, they seem so much more interesting than mine.
Tonight I have selected a few for you to pop over to...
Tales from the Dadside...Yay, a blokes point of view of parenting, and he's funny too, what a bonus!
Whiskey in my sippy cup...this lady is entertaining.
Dancing with Frogs...a favourite of mine that I think I have mentioned before, sorry.
Well, that's a start for you anyway.
This one got me thinking about how I use my time after kidlets have gone to bed (usually reading blogs and housework). I can't say I am completely unsatisfied with how I spend my time currently, although I am sure it could be put to better use. That being said, I always knit or sew while watching tv as I can't bear to be plonked on the lounge with nothing to do (watching tv is NOT doing something IMO).
hmmm, speaking of tv's that reminded me of an email that DH and I have been passing back and forth. I asked him (via email), completely out of the blue, 'If you bought a house where would it be and what would it look like?' His reply was 'I could live anywhere, almost, preferably near a large centre. It wouldn't matter what it looked like as long as it had a big yard and wasn't derelict, and not around too much housing commission.' Then he asked why I was asking. I replied 'Wanted to see if we wanted the same thing. Nope. No surprise there though.' I think it sounds kinda mean when I read back, but honestly, his blinkered behaviour is really getting to me. He keeps acting like our relationship is perfect when that couldn't be further from the truth. By the time he left for his deployment we were barely speaking to each other! I just don't get it.
Anyway, he sent back an email asking me for my answer and I pretty much copied and pasted some of this, clearly it is rather more detailed than his. I included the bit about the unappealing tv. And so I get this back...'Hi, well what can I say? I cant argue with you on most of it, but if this dream/plan involves me you must know that I will always love my sport and will always want FOX and a big TV.' OMG, he still does not get, after 9 YEARS, that I hate the goddamn tv, that I think it has been a big factor in the difficulties that our marriage has faced. Excuse me while I go stomp around for a bit...
(pause)
OK, I feel better now (and less stiff too, I was creaking when I stood up). Yes, the tv is a MAJOR part of DH's life. Instead of going for a walk with his family, or going on some sort of family outing (because god forbid we would actually want to spend time with him when he hasn't been home all week), he prefers to spend from Friday evening to Sunday evening parked on the couch watching the goddamn sport (my apologies for using such a strong word). I HATE it, and that IS a strong word too, and I say it with full meaning. He spends NO quality time with us as a family, if we want to talk to him we have to wait for an ad break. What kind of example is this setting for our kids? How is this behaviour supposed to keep our marriage strong (well, in this case, stop it from falling apart at the seams). I am sorry, but the TV has very little future in my life. I sure as heck did not want a relationship with a man and his tv. When we got together I thought I was in a relationship with a different person, as I discussed here (you need to get past the grr factor of that post first).
I don't want to talk about work today, but I will. I got there early this morning and instead of sitting at my desk until 9am, I went and spent nearly an hour tidying messes and putting books away. Then I sat at my desk. I had been there for about ten minutes when a colleague walked in and said, 'Don't you think you should be out helping to shelf tidy?' OMG that made me MAD! I said 'I have just spent the last hour shelving and tidying', she was surprised because she hadn't seen me doing it (like I advertise everything I do in this job...whatever *sarcasm*). So she said 'Well, the children's area is still untidy, would you come out and tidy it please' I think she saw the black cloud descend upon my head as I stood up and went out, because she didn't speak to me again all morning. I overheard her say later to our supervisor something about people not helping with shelf tidying and I hope she wasn't referring to me because I just don't need that b*shit. I work just as hard as everyone and have the added disadvantage that my kid's area is ALWAYS messy. It is the one thing I dislike about this job (makes me want to cry sometimes).
Anyway, I learnt a valuable lesson - no matter how much I think I am doing the right thing by getting in and getting the work done, if there is no-one else around to see me doing it they will assume it was already done, and that I am not contributing, therefore I must not do anything to do with shelving or cleaning up before at least two or three people get there and see me doing it! Wow, does that makes sense?! More simply - I stay at my desk if I get in early, and go out to do tidying later, with other people.
Yet another night where I told myself I would go to bed before 10pm, and it is now after 11pm! I will go and read for half an hour, I am reading Clive Cussler. He is good, but not as exciting as Matthew Reilly's books.
It is raining tonight. I love the sound of rain on a tin roof. I remember lying in bed as a tween, listening to it and loving it even then. Definitely have to have a tin roof on my dream home.
(pause)
Well, tonight I have been surfing the blogweb and discovering ever more blogs to read. It is the initial discovery that takes the longest as you read some of the blogger's most recent posts to get a feel for the person and their style of writing, before deciding if this is a blog you would like to visit regularly. Me, I love to read about other people's lives, they seem so much more interesting than mine.
Tonight I have selected a few for you to pop over to...
Tales from the Dadside...Yay, a blokes point of view of parenting, and he's funny too, what a bonus!
Whiskey in my sippy cup...this lady is entertaining.
Dancing with Frogs...a favourite of mine that I think I have mentioned before, sorry.
Well, that's a start for you anyway.
This one got me thinking about how I use my time after kidlets have gone to bed (usually reading blogs and housework). I can't say I am completely unsatisfied with how I spend my time currently, although I am sure it could be put to better use. That being said, I always knit or sew while watching tv as I can't bear to be plonked on the lounge with nothing to do (watching tv is NOT doing something IMO).
hmmm, speaking of tv's that reminded me of an email that DH and I have been passing back and forth. I asked him (via email), completely out of the blue, 'If you bought a house where would it be and what would it look like?' His reply was 'I could live anywhere, almost, preferably near a large centre. It wouldn't matter what it looked like as long as it had a big yard and wasn't derelict, and not around too much housing commission.' Then he asked why I was asking. I replied 'Wanted to see if we wanted the same thing. Nope. No surprise there though.' I think it sounds kinda mean when I read back, but honestly, his blinkered behaviour is really getting to me. He keeps acting like our relationship is perfect when that couldn't be further from the truth. By the time he left for his deployment we were barely speaking to each other! I just don't get it.
Anyway, he sent back an email asking me for my answer and I pretty much copied and pasted some of this, clearly it is rather more detailed than his. I included the bit about the unappealing tv. And so I get this back...'Hi, well what can I say? I cant argue with you on most of it, but if this dream/plan involves me you must know that I will always love my sport and will always want FOX and a big TV.' OMG, he still does not get, after 9 YEARS, that I hate the goddamn tv, that I think it has been a big factor in the difficulties that our marriage has faced. Excuse me while I go stomp around for a bit...
(pause)
OK, I feel better now (and less stiff too, I was creaking when I stood up). Yes, the tv is a MAJOR part of DH's life. Instead of going for a walk with his family, or going on some sort of family outing (because god forbid we would actually want to spend time with him when he hasn't been home all week), he prefers to spend from Friday evening to Sunday evening parked on the couch watching the goddamn sport (my apologies for using such a strong word). I HATE it, and that IS a strong word too, and I say it with full meaning. He spends NO quality time with us as a family, if we want to talk to him we have to wait for an ad break. What kind of example is this setting for our kids? How is this behaviour supposed to keep our marriage strong (well, in this case, stop it from falling apart at the seams). I am sorry, but the TV has very little future in my life. I sure as heck did not want a relationship with a man and his tv. When we got together I thought I was in a relationship with a different person, as I discussed here (you need to get past the grr factor of that post first).
I don't want to talk about work today, but I will. I got there early this morning and instead of sitting at my desk until 9am, I went and spent nearly an hour tidying messes and putting books away. Then I sat at my desk. I had been there for about ten minutes when a colleague walked in and said, 'Don't you think you should be out helping to shelf tidy?' OMG that made me MAD! I said 'I have just spent the last hour shelving and tidying', she was surprised because she hadn't seen me doing it (like I advertise everything I do in this job...whatever *sarcasm*). So she said 'Well, the children's area is still untidy, would you come out and tidy it please' I think she saw the black cloud descend upon my head as I stood up and went out, because she didn't speak to me again all morning. I overheard her say later to our supervisor something about people not helping with shelf tidying and I hope she wasn't referring to me because I just don't need that b*shit. I work just as hard as everyone and have the added disadvantage that my kid's area is ALWAYS messy. It is the one thing I dislike about this job (makes me want to cry sometimes).
Anyway, I learnt a valuable lesson - no matter how much I think I am doing the right thing by getting in and getting the work done, if there is no-one else around to see me doing it they will assume it was already done, and that I am not contributing, therefore I must not do anything to do with shelving or cleaning up before at least two or three people get there and see me doing it! Wow, does that makes sense?! More simply - I stay at my desk if I get in early, and go out to do tidying later, with other people.
Yet another night where I told myself I would go to bed before 10pm, and it is now after 11pm! I will go and read for half an hour, I am reading Clive Cussler. He is good, but not as exciting as Matthew Reilly's books.
It is raining tonight. I love the sound of rain on a tin roof. I remember lying in bed as a tween, listening to it and loving it even then. Definitely have to have a tin roof on my dream home.
Monday, July 21, 2008
It's not just about money
I live in Australia. In Australia if you use child care the government pays you a 30% rebate at the end of the financial year. So, like tax (if you are lucky enough to get some back), this is a way of getting a lump sum that can be tucked away into a nest egg.
DH called last night and, after we had exhausted conversation about the kids, he turned the subject to money. This was fine until he brought up the rebate, his words were 'We've been paying enough for it, we should get some back.' So you, the reader, look at that statement and you think, ok, so what? Weeelll...I work full-time, and in order for me to work full-time I put Toddler into child care.
Now, DH wasn't real bothered whether I worked or not, but one of his bones of contention was that I was only earning enough to pay for child care, petrol, and a little pocket money (that always ended up on the credit card). I had no issue with this as I knew a) I would get a pay rise in the future, b) that the older Toddler got the more his fees would reduce, and, c) importantly for me, I was getting valuable experience in my chosen field. So, with this in mind, I quite willingly and happily pay for all child care fees (although I am very happy to be paying less now that I have moved Toddler from his previous care).
But for some reason DH seems to think that he is entitled to get his hands on the rebate. hhmmmm, well, if I felt differently about us maybe that wouldn't be such an issue, but the fact is, is that I paid the child care fees so that I could work. Now you might argue that he works too, and pays for us to live. Therefore I must point out that if I didn't work we would be on one income, his, and I would probably be spending more because I wouldn't be so busy as I am now.
I realise I probably sound like a biatch. But he is a stingy so and so, or massively wasteful, there is no real in between with him. I actually want to own a home one day and I want to save a deposit up. It's not going to happen if we keep living from pay packet to pay packet.
I have worked out the minimum that myself and the boys could live on if DH and I go our separate ways. I have also looked into what government benefits we would receive. It matches up pretty well, there wouldn't be much money left over, but maybe that is not such a bad thing. I figure the boys can enjoy all the materialistic crap when they come to DH's place since I don't want it in mine. Will they suffer, hmmm, depends on what ends up being really important to them. I know they like family time, but there is precious little of that at the moment. Going back to basics would be an adjustment for all of us, and maybe a good one. I envision us working in the garden, taking delight in the world that God created, or playing games like chasies or Twister, rather than parked in front of some electronic thing. Maybe Tween wouldn't be so pleased about that, but maybe he just doesn't realise what a good thing it could be. Real fun can take some practice, lol.
I am a member of Simple Savings, an Australian website that encourages careful living and provides a supportive network for people who believe in a simple life style, or who want to do good things for the planet. It led me to Down to Earth, a blog written by the wife of a couple who have made the choice to take the simple path and gain great enjoyment from it. This woman has the life I want.
I can have it too.
Money and stuff is not the be all and end all of things. I can't take any of it with me when I die. I don't want to be remembered for the gifts I bought, I want to be remembered for the part that I played in people's lives, including my own children. I want to live on in memories, as that Librarian who led the future prime minister (lol) to this book, or helped Joe Blogg get an 'A' in that assignment; as the mother who had time to give a much needed hug, who was fun to be around.
I believe I can have this too.
DH called last night and, after we had exhausted conversation about the kids, he turned the subject to money. This was fine until he brought up the rebate, his words were 'We've been paying enough for it, we should get some back.' So you, the reader, look at that statement and you think, ok, so what? Weeelll...I work full-time, and in order for me to work full-time I put Toddler into child care.
Now, DH wasn't real bothered whether I worked or not, but one of his bones of contention was that I was only earning enough to pay for child care, petrol, and a little pocket money (that always ended up on the credit card). I had no issue with this as I knew a) I would get a pay rise in the future, b) that the older Toddler got the more his fees would reduce, and, c) importantly for me, I was getting valuable experience in my chosen field. So, with this in mind, I quite willingly and happily pay for all child care fees (although I am very happy to be paying less now that I have moved Toddler from his previous care).
But for some reason DH seems to think that he is entitled to get his hands on the rebate. hhmmmm, well, if I felt differently about us maybe that wouldn't be such an issue, but the fact is, is that I paid the child care fees so that I could work. Now you might argue that he works too, and pays for us to live. Therefore I must point out that if I didn't work we would be on one income, his, and I would probably be spending more because I wouldn't be so busy as I am now.
I realise I probably sound like a biatch. But he is a stingy so and so, or massively wasteful, there is no real in between with him. I actually want to own a home one day and I want to save a deposit up. It's not going to happen if we keep living from pay packet to pay packet.
I have worked out the minimum that myself and the boys could live on if DH and I go our separate ways. I have also looked into what government benefits we would receive. It matches up pretty well, there wouldn't be much money left over, but maybe that is not such a bad thing. I figure the boys can enjoy all the materialistic crap when they come to DH's place since I don't want it in mine. Will they suffer, hmmm, depends on what ends up being really important to them. I know they like family time, but there is precious little of that at the moment. Going back to basics would be an adjustment for all of us, and maybe a good one. I envision us working in the garden, taking delight in the world that God created, or playing games like chasies or Twister, rather than parked in front of some electronic thing. Maybe Tween wouldn't be so pleased about that, but maybe he just doesn't realise what a good thing it could be. Real fun can take some practice, lol.
I am a member of Simple Savings, an Australian website that encourages careful living and provides a supportive network for people who believe in a simple life style, or who want to do good things for the planet. It led me to Down to Earth, a blog written by the wife of a couple who have made the choice to take the simple path and gain great enjoyment from it. This woman has the life I want.
I can have it too.
Money and stuff is not the be all and end all of things. I can't take any of it with me when I die. I don't want to be remembered for the gifts I bought, I want to be remembered for the part that I played in people's lives, including my own children. I want to live on in memories, as that Librarian who led the future prime minister (lol) to this book, or helped Joe Blogg get an 'A' in that assignment; as the mother who had time to give a much needed hug, who was fun to be around.
I believe I can have this too.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
An enlightening conversation
Got up this morning and thought, 'yay, the antibiotics are working'. Walked out the front door and started coughing, and coughing, and coughing. Nothing like fresh air to make you want to cough your guts up! Didn't really settle down for the rest of the day. And now, to top it off, I have an ear ache coming. I can feel the pressure building in my ear and it has been itchy too, a sure sign something is not right. *sigh*
I took part in an interesting (for me) conversation at work today. You may be aware that I am a loyal type of girl, that I was struggling with the possibility that I may have to leave my job in the next 6 months or so, that I had hoped to be there long term. So the conversation was between myself (at the job for 18 months), and two of my colleagues, J (been there for a couple of years) and L (been there for a looooong time, 15 years +). Somehow J and I started talking about where we saw ourselves in 4 or 5 years time. J said 'anywhere but here' and I was blown away. Somewhere in my dreams I had imagined all us 'young' ones being here and getting grey together, just like the current older group (about 7 of them, including L, have been there for more than 15 years). But J says that she never planned to stay here permanently, that she will do a couple more years here, maybe, and then move on. L said that she hadn't really planned to stay so long, but the place suited her and that was that. I ummed and ahhed, since I didn't want to say that I might not be here in a years time, let alone 4, but I did say that I saw myself as a branch manager in 4 or 5 years time, and J said that there were lots of jobs going at the moment and I should apply!! What the...!! I said 'no' as I want to get more experience under my belt, particularly in budgeting and supervision. But hearing that J felt so comfortable about moving on in the next couple of years gave me some mental freedom. I realised that no matter how much the staff and parents may say 'stay' I am free to make my own choices and not feel obligated to them. I can move on if I need to. Yes, there is the fear of 'what's next?', but I am resilient, I am strong, and I can be brave on the outside (while on the inside I am shivering my timbers, lol).
So I left the central library and headed over to the branch library, where I stopped and chatted with another colleague, one of the few men in the job and young like me. We started at the same time. I asked him whether he planned to be here in a few years time and he too said 'probably not'. He wants a specific type of job, and said that once something comes up he will apply for it, depending on where it is in relation to where he lives. That got us talking about commuting to work. I am in a great position where I live, I am only 10 minutes maximum from work. My colleagues generally travel at least half an hour in heavy traffic. When I look at how little time I have left in the day to spend with the kids, or just to function well as a household, I know I could not commute. If DH and I split I can't afford to rent anything less than forty minutes to an hour away. I shudder just thinking about it. This is why I have to look at leaving work, as I cannot find a financially viable way of staying in my job if DH and I split (well, the 3 kids and I could live in a really cruddy 2 bedroom apartment on the fourth floor with no elevator, we could never have take out and I would have to save for the entire year so they could go to soccer, umm, no thanks, no job is worth that).
Maybe my dream of a simple life isn't so far away after all.
I took part in an interesting (for me) conversation at work today. You may be aware that I am a loyal type of girl, that I was struggling with the possibility that I may have to leave my job in the next 6 months or so, that I had hoped to be there long term. So the conversation was between myself (at the job for 18 months), and two of my colleagues, J (been there for a couple of years) and L (been there for a looooong time, 15 years +). Somehow J and I started talking about where we saw ourselves in 4 or 5 years time. J said 'anywhere but here' and I was blown away. Somewhere in my dreams I had imagined all us 'young' ones being here and getting grey together, just like the current older group (about 7 of them, including L, have been there for more than 15 years). But J says that she never planned to stay here permanently, that she will do a couple more years here, maybe, and then move on. L said that she hadn't really planned to stay so long, but the place suited her and that was that. I ummed and ahhed, since I didn't want to say that I might not be here in a years time, let alone 4, but I did say that I saw myself as a branch manager in 4 or 5 years time, and J said that there were lots of jobs going at the moment and I should apply!! What the...!! I said 'no' as I want to get more experience under my belt, particularly in budgeting and supervision. But hearing that J felt so comfortable about moving on in the next couple of years gave me some mental freedom. I realised that no matter how much the staff and parents may say 'stay' I am free to make my own choices and not feel obligated to them. I can move on if I need to. Yes, there is the fear of 'what's next?', but I am resilient, I am strong, and I can be brave on the outside (while on the inside I am shivering my timbers, lol).
So I left the central library and headed over to the branch library, where I stopped and chatted with another colleague, one of the few men in the job and young like me. We started at the same time. I asked him whether he planned to be here in a few years time and he too said 'probably not'. He wants a specific type of job, and said that once something comes up he will apply for it, depending on where it is in relation to where he lives. That got us talking about commuting to work. I am in a great position where I live, I am only 10 minutes maximum from work. My colleagues generally travel at least half an hour in heavy traffic. When I look at how little time I have left in the day to spend with the kids, or just to function well as a household, I know I could not commute. If DH and I split I can't afford to rent anything less than forty minutes to an hour away. I shudder just thinking about it. This is why I have to look at leaving work, as I cannot find a financially viable way of staying in my job if DH and I split (well, the 3 kids and I could live in a really cruddy 2 bedroom apartment on the fourth floor with no elevator, we could never have take out and I would have to save for the entire year so they could go to soccer, umm, no thanks, no job is worth that).
Maybe my dream of a simple life isn't so far away after all.
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