Well, tomorrow DH leaves for his trip. I have mixed feelings, I feel some sadness, but that is more for the kids sake, I feel relief knowing that we won't be playing these stupid mind games with each other for a while.
DH and I went out for dinner a couple of nights ago. It was a lovely restaurant and we actually had a nice time chatting. I commented on how nice that we had managed not to talk kids and money for a change and DH laughed and said that it was because we no longer cared. I think he was referring to the state of our relationship with each other, we are back to just being friends without so much emotional attachment and bulls#*t, so now we can have a general conversation. How bizarre is that, that we have to distance ourselves to be able to get on!
I had one shock at this meal. I was discussing our planned trip to NZ and DH said something that made me stop and say 'You don't want to go do you?', I had been getting that feeling from him for a while. He agreed and so I said that was fine, me and the boys would go, then he said that actually, they didn't want to go either, he had talked to them and they had all decided they were going skiing instead. Now DH knows that I have no interest or desire in skiing and snow, so I was a bit surprised, particularly when I learned that this had been decided a month ago. Then he said, 'why don't you go to NZ anyway?', meaning by myself. I was still a bit speechless from the whole not going to NZ thing, so when he said that I went into shock. I had never imagined going to NZ by myself, I had pictured us as a family experiencing what NZ had to offer, and visiting places I had been as a child, it hurt alot to think that they were not interested in something so important to me.
I got over it though and last night started planning my trip. My single regret in life is that I didn't go when I had planned to 9 years ago. I had already started paying for the trip, but I met DH and spent the money on a trip to QLD with him instead. I have been kicking myself since, because then two more kids came along and it seemed an impossibility. But now I can do it, and do all the things I want to, at my pace. This includes visiting museums (groan groan from kids and DH), going zorbing and river sledging, and visiting mud pools and hot baths. After getting over my shock I am now quite excited!
So it will be separate holidays - me to NZ in late 2008 and DH and older two to Snow in Thredbo in 2009. Something to look forward to.
Had a wonderful gift the other day. Lunched with a dear friend, she announced she was pregnant with no.2. I was so excited and happy for her and we happily discussed pregnancies. She blew me away though, when she asked me to be at the birth. What an honour. I was speechless, overwhelmed I suppose, that she trusted me enought to be such a big part of a miracle. Even now I am overcome with...something that is hard to describe, all I can call it is an honour, but that doesn't quite grasp how I feel.
Laughed at DH today. He has got this thing about our toddler's hair. It has never been cut and the little man is now 19mths old and his hair is below his collar line. DH knows very well that I will be getting it cut as soon as he leaves. He commented today that I should leave it so he can see how long it gets by the time he comes back. I just looked at him, laughed, and said "He is not a girl. We could have had a girl, but you said no." referring to the fact that after DS#3 we had discussed having another bub, but then DH started spouting money issues and saying no, even though I wanted another so badly (and still do sometimes, if I let my guard down). DH just pulled a face at me, lol.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
What is going on in my head
I have felt so ANGRY the last couple of days. I feel so wronged and put out, lol, can you hear the world's tiniest violin. But seriously, I have been angry. I yelled at my kids in a big way! Mind you, finding weeks old dirty clothes shoved into the bottom of the wardrobe cos DS1 couldn't be bothered walking one metre to the laundry basket is pretty maddening and hard to comprehend, added to the fact that he lost his wallet with all his savings, lost one of his exxy soccer boots, lost his brand new soccer ball, nearly lost another front door key, etc etc, well, I just really lost it. This frustration with DS1 is made worse by my anger towrds DH. I can feel it eating me up inside, so much that when I am alone in the car I want to SCREAM.
Monday, March 17, 2008
My bro is growing up!
We celebrated my youngest brother's birthday last weekend, he is 17yrs old. All my brothers are very good-looking, don't know what happened with me.....actually, yes I do, I was hot about 40kgs ago.
My DH didn't come to the party, he wanted to stay home and watch sports. What can I say, family is not a priority for him. I didn't know what to say to my brother, so I didn't say anything. I did mention it to my mum and struggled to keep from getting really upset. How do I let go of all this anger? It makes me want to spit sometimes, and I am not a spitting type of girl. When I got home I mentioned to DH that the boys were disappointed he hadn't come and he was surprised. I pointed out that they had hoped to say goodbye to him since he is leaving in two weeks. That was that.
So, he is going in two weeks. I asked his brother to babysit for us the weekend before he goes so that we can go out for dinner and a movie. When I mentioned it to DH he was really off hand about it. Maybe I will go by myself and DH can go and do something else. It will possibly be the only chance I get to go to a movie for the next 6 months.
DH's dad wants to catch up with him and the kids before DH goes. I think I will be unavailable that day. I am still really angry that DH's dad 'forgot' our baby's first birthday last year, but still went to his mum's (who lives in the same city and whose birthday is the same day) and saw his youngest son. But he couldn't make time for us. I don't believe he forgot, I just think he is an @$!&*. I don't reply to his emails anymore and I don't want to see him. If DH can be too busy for my family I can be too busy for his, not that I am spiteful or anything, just angry, at DH and his dad.
Bit concerned about my liver. I have been feeling uncomfortable and swollen in that area (RH side near base of ribs). I am also really tired and often feel nauseous to the point of upchucking. I think maybe I need to do a detox, drink more water, and quit drinking so much coke. I was looking at the Lemon Detox Diet, it sounds alright. I will wait until I have at least 3 days off work as apparently day 2 is the worst.
My DH didn't come to the party, he wanted to stay home and watch sports. What can I say, family is not a priority for him. I didn't know what to say to my brother, so I didn't say anything. I did mention it to my mum and struggled to keep from getting really upset. How do I let go of all this anger? It makes me want to spit sometimes, and I am not a spitting type of girl. When I got home I mentioned to DH that the boys were disappointed he hadn't come and he was surprised. I pointed out that they had hoped to say goodbye to him since he is leaving in two weeks. That was that.
So, he is going in two weeks. I asked his brother to babysit for us the weekend before he goes so that we can go out for dinner and a movie. When I mentioned it to DH he was really off hand about it. Maybe I will go by myself and DH can go and do something else. It will possibly be the only chance I get to go to a movie for the next 6 months.
DH's dad wants to catch up with him and the kids before DH goes. I think I will be unavailable that day. I am still really angry that DH's dad 'forgot' our baby's first birthday last year, but still went to his mum's (who lives in the same city and whose birthday is the same day) and saw his youngest son. But he couldn't make time for us. I don't believe he forgot, I just think he is an @$!&*. I don't reply to his emails anymore and I don't want to see him. If DH can be too busy for my family I can be too busy for his, not that I am spiteful or anything, just angry, at DH and his dad.
Bit concerned about my liver. I have been feeling uncomfortable and swollen in that area (RH side near base of ribs). I am also really tired and often feel nauseous to the point of upchucking. I think maybe I need to do a detox, drink more water, and quit drinking so much coke. I was looking at the Lemon Detox Diet, it sounds alright. I will wait until I have at least 3 days off work as apparently day 2 is the worst.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
First one, then another
Lol, DS#3 split his head open a couple of weeks ago, then last Sunday DS#1 fractured his arm! We spent a couple of hours in Emergency and we go back on Friday to get a proper cast on. He fell while rollerblading and landed badly. He told me it hasn't put him off blading!
My toddler is 18 months old. He can say hot ('ot), ouch (owsh), Tricia (trisha), mumma, dadda, ta ta, bye bye, up, sshhh, bottle (bopa), Scott (dot), Will (wiw). So cute!!! He stands near the oven and points at it and says 'ot, owsh'. Tonight he did his first little wee on the potty. He had already done one on the bathroom floor and I said, 'let's do a wee in the potty' thinking we could just get some practice in, so I sat him on it and we looked to see if anything was happening and nothing did, so he laughed! I said 'oh, okay, no wees' and took him off and almost straight away he tried to get back on, so I put him back on and he did a tiny wee!! I congratulated him of course. Time to bring in the routine of get up, put him on potty in the morning, and then after his bath at night he ALWAYS does one on the floor, so now after I take him out of the bath I will ask him if he needs to do a wee and then put him on the potty.
The rhyme and read sessions are going ok. I have had to resort to the old favourites a couple of times because what I have planned doesn't take long enough. I am feeling like it's not working, I need to do some reading about it.
My work diary is full. I almost feel tired looking at it, but what it really does is make me realise how prepared I need to be. I have the Kindy's and After School carers calling, wanting me to do multiple sessions per month, I laughed at them, not meanly, and then told them what my schedule was like and reminded them that it is just me, I don't have an assistant or anyone I can really delegate to.
Each month I have - 4 kindy visits , 4 After school outreach sessions, 4 bookclub sessions, at least 12 public rhymetime sessions (3 per week), plus I am supposed to do 3 x 3 hour desk shifts per week and prepare everything ahead of time. I don't think the rest of the staff, except for my co-ordinator, have any idea of the workload. They see me sitting at my desk a fair bit, I am usually replying to emails, planning future programs, preparing stuff for the next session, and creating promotional material. I love my job! I am not complaining at all. I would hate to be twiddling my thumbs. I hope I can prove to myself that I am good at this organisational stuff. Oh, and to get a pay rise I have to come up with something I can teach a small group and see it through from start to finish. *lightbulb* we've had quite a few older customers coming in asking if we run a basic computer course (how do I turn it on, etc, lol). Well, we have a Basic Internet course, but not a general computer one. I will talk to the person who runs the internet one and see if he has any plans to run a basic computer one and if not would he mind me doing it.
My toddler is 18 months old. He can say hot ('ot), ouch (owsh), Tricia (trisha), mumma, dadda, ta ta, bye bye, up, sshhh, bottle (bopa), Scott (dot), Will (wiw). So cute!!! He stands near the oven and points at it and says 'ot, owsh'. Tonight he did his first little wee on the potty. He had already done one on the bathroom floor and I said, 'let's do a wee in the potty' thinking we could just get some practice in, so I sat him on it and we looked to see if anything was happening and nothing did, so he laughed! I said 'oh, okay, no wees' and took him off and almost straight away he tried to get back on, so I put him back on and he did a tiny wee!! I congratulated him of course. Time to bring in the routine of get up, put him on potty in the morning, and then after his bath at night he ALWAYS does one on the floor, so now after I take him out of the bath I will ask him if he needs to do a wee and then put him on the potty.
The rhyme and read sessions are going ok. I have had to resort to the old favourites a couple of times because what I have planned doesn't take long enough. I am feeling like it's not working, I need to do some reading about it.
My work diary is full. I almost feel tired looking at it, but what it really does is make me realise how prepared I need to be. I have the Kindy's and After School carers calling, wanting me to do multiple sessions per month, I laughed at them, not meanly, and then told them what my schedule was like and reminded them that it is just me, I don't have an assistant or anyone I can really delegate to.
Each month I have - 4 kindy visits , 4 After school outreach sessions, 4 bookclub sessions, at least 12 public rhymetime sessions (3 per week), plus I am supposed to do 3 x 3 hour desk shifts per week and prepare everything ahead of time. I don't think the rest of the staff, except for my co-ordinator, have any idea of the workload. They see me sitting at my desk a fair bit, I am usually replying to emails, planning future programs, preparing stuff for the next session, and creating promotional material. I love my job! I am not complaining at all. I would hate to be twiddling my thumbs. I hope I can prove to myself that I am good at this organisational stuff. Oh, and to get a pay rise I have to come up with something I can teach a small group and see it through from start to finish. *lightbulb* we've had quite a few older customers coming in asking if we run a basic computer course (how do I turn it on, etc, lol). Well, we have a Basic Internet course, but not a general computer one. I will talk to the person who runs the internet one and see if he has any plans to run a basic computer one and if not would he mind me doing it.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
the choices we make
My rhyme and read sessions went pretty well. It seems strange not to sing non-stop for half an hour, lol, but the parents seemed happy and the kids seemed to have more attention. I have looked into getting a license that will allow me to play music, this should beef up my Tuesday Rhymetime sessions a little if the manager okays it.
I read an article in the paper about the difficulties of living on the old age pension. I was surprised at how little the elderly receive - about $250 each per week. That is pretty pitiful. When I expressed this opinion to my husband I was quite dismayed to get the opposite reaction from him. His argument was that they have been used to living on very little all their lives so why should they complain now, why didn't they have a savings plan, why don't they live with family, etc etc along the same lines. I was gobsmacked! I pointed out to him that society has changed, children don't want their parents living with them, and that generally the parents' savings went on ensuring their kids had a better start to life than what they had. These people went through the war for crying out loud! They walked miles to school, they went barefoot, they scrimped and saved to buy a home. They worked hard all their lives. In their old age they deserve to have some comfort and $250 isn't going to provide it. I asked him how he would feel if he had to survive on that amount, he couldn't even empathise, his words were 'I have super, so it's not going to happen'. His lack of caring and his arrogance just floored me.
I just do not understand what possessed us to think we could spend our lives together. We see the world so very differently. Perhaps it is because we are man and woman, perhaps it really is something as simple as that. But I fail to understand him, I am frequently disappointed by him, and I have no idea what he thinks of me/us, if anything. But I am stuck. I feel like I cannot move from this. I recommitted to our marriage for crying out loud, and all it has gotten me is heartache. I say 'I recommitted' because I don't think he really did.
He works away on weekdays at the moment, comes home Friday night, sits on the lounge. Alternates between the lounge (TV) and the computer (different room) until he goes to bed. Gets up mid-morning (about 10am) Saturday (and Sunday too for that matter, what happened to going to church?), first thing he does is put the TV on. Then the computer. That's it for the day. Oh, he might change a nappy (we have three boys, one of whom is a toddler), he might put a load of washing on, he might go out to the shops for an hour. But it is a 'might'. We both work fulltime. As any working mother knows, your day begins hopefully before the kids gets up, so you have the chance to at least have a cuppa, once they are up it is go go go, get out the door, get everyone off to school or daycare, get to work and maintain the happy face for 7 or 8 hours, pick everyone up, get home by 6pm, organise tea, homework, baths, bedtime. You might get to sit down for a quiet moment at 9pm, then its back up, get washing on, get dishes done, tidy up mess created by kids, hope to get some time on the computer or to read a book before your eyelids droop and you can't stay up a moment longer. I do this every week day. I don't know what he does, most of the time it seems a bit of a bludge (his words), at the moment it's a bit busier than that. Ok, I get that. But when do I get to sit around ALL day and do almost nothing? I really resent his behaviour when he is at home. I feel like he doesn't understand that my week is equally as busy, so I need some down time too, not running round doing the housework that I couldn't get done through the week, not shopping for more food, not cleaning up yet another lot of mess created by him and the kids. Give me a goddam break!!
Where is my supposed partner in life? Where is my supposed helpmate? Where is my support? Sitting on the lounge watching sport. Tapping away on the keyboard looking for something to throw money away on.
I am disappointed in the choice I made when I had the chance to make a different one. I like where I live and work, I love my kids. Except for my marriage I like my life. My marriage makes me really really depressed. When I think about it I want to cry. I eat enormous amounts of chocolate instead. Death by chocolate.
If I walk away from this marriage the kids lose a nice place to live, we would have to move way out west to afford housing. They would have to change schools again. I would probably have to quit my job because I just do not think I could juggle full-time work and parenting if I live up to an hour away. We would lose out. I keep reminding myself that he is soon going away for a length of time, that I just need to get through these next few weeks sociably and then I won't have to think about 'us' for awhile. We are supposed to be going on a family holiday when he gets back from his trip, I look forward to it in most respects, except for spending it with him. He isn't much fun to be around. I was looking forward to camping, but he has decided it would be easier to stay in motels. ewww. It wasn't meant to be about easier, it was meant to be about having a bit of fun. He has probably realised that camping = no tv.
My heart aches. I dreamed of so much more from life.
I read an article in the paper about the difficulties of living on the old age pension. I was surprised at how little the elderly receive - about $250 each per week. That is pretty pitiful. When I expressed this opinion to my husband I was quite dismayed to get the opposite reaction from him. His argument was that they have been used to living on very little all their lives so why should they complain now, why didn't they have a savings plan, why don't they live with family, etc etc along the same lines. I was gobsmacked! I pointed out to him that society has changed, children don't want their parents living with them, and that generally the parents' savings went on ensuring their kids had a better start to life than what they had. These people went through the war for crying out loud! They walked miles to school, they went barefoot, they scrimped and saved to buy a home. They worked hard all their lives. In their old age they deserve to have some comfort and $250 isn't going to provide it. I asked him how he would feel if he had to survive on that amount, he couldn't even empathise, his words were 'I have super, so it's not going to happen'. His lack of caring and his arrogance just floored me.
I just do not understand what possessed us to think we could spend our lives together. We see the world so very differently. Perhaps it is because we are man and woman, perhaps it really is something as simple as that. But I fail to understand him, I am frequently disappointed by him, and I have no idea what he thinks of me/us, if anything. But I am stuck. I feel like I cannot move from this. I recommitted to our marriage for crying out loud, and all it has gotten me is heartache. I say 'I recommitted' because I don't think he really did.
He works away on weekdays at the moment, comes home Friday night, sits on the lounge. Alternates between the lounge (TV) and the computer (different room) until he goes to bed. Gets up mid-morning (about 10am) Saturday (and Sunday too for that matter, what happened to going to church?), first thing he does is put the TV on. Then the computer. That's it for the day. Oh, he might change a nappy (we have three boys, one of whom is a toddler), he might put a load of washing on, he might go out to the shops for an hour. But it is a 'might'. We both work fulltime. As any working mother knows, your day begins hopefully before the kids gets up, so you have the chance to at least have a cuppa, once they are up it is go go go, get out the door, get everyone off to school or daycare, get to work and maintain the happy face for 7 or 8 hours, pick everyone up, get home by 6pm, organise tea, homework, baths, bedtime. You might get to sit down for a quiet moment at 9pm, then its back up, get washing on, get dishes done, tidy up mess created by kids, hope to get some time on the computer or to read a book before your eyelids droop and you can't stay up a moment longer. I do this every week day. I don't know what he does, most of the time it seems a bit of a bludge (his words), at the moment it's a bit busier than that. Ok, I get that. But when do I get to sit around ALL day and do almost nothing? I really resent his behaviour when he is at home. I feel like he doesn't understand that my week is equally as busy, so I need some down time too, not running round doing the housework that I couldn't get done through the week, not shopping for more food, not cleaning up yet another lot of mess created by him and the kids. Give me a goddam break!!
Where is my supposed partner in life? Where is my supposed helpmate? Where is my support? Sitting on the lounge watching sport. Tapping away on the keyboard looking for something to throw money away on.
I am disappointed in the choice I made when I had the chance to make a different one. I like where I live and work, I love my kids. Except for my marriage I like my life. My marriage makes me really really depressed. When I think about it I want to cry. I eat enormous amounts of chocolate instead. Death by chocolate.
If I walk away from this marriage the kids lose a nice place to live, we would have to move way out west to afford housing. They would have to change schools again. I would probably have to quit my job because I just do not think I could juggle full-time work and parenting if I live up to an hour away. We would lose out. I keep reminding myself that he is soon going away for a length of time, that I just need to get through these next few weeks sociably and then I won't have to think about 'us' for awhile. We are supposed to be going on a family holiday when he gets back from his trip, I look forward to it in most respects, except for spending it with him. He isn't much fun to be around. I was looking forward to camping, but he has decided it would be easier to stay in motels. ewww. It wasn't meant to be about easier, it was meant to be about having a bit of fun. He has probably realised that camping = no tv.
My heart aches. I dreamed of so much more from life.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Work, what work?
Didn't get much work done yesterday cos my smallest DS fell off a chair at daycare and cut his head open an hour after I got to work and had to go to hospital to get glued back together again, lol. He wasn't impressed. Daycare handled everything really well, got in touch with me immediately, cleaned him up appropriately etc etc. So glad it is a family run business, they make alot more effort to keep the parents happy. So DS and I got to spend the day home together.
Had a slight back log today when I got back to work, thankfully I was on top of most of it so only had a couple of things to push through. Went to an interesting meeting this morning and got some good ideas for children's programs. It really helps to have a support network. It did bring home to me how small my library demographic is - I had 40 kids for the Summer Reading Program and was pleased, it matched last years (so next year I am aiming for better), anyway, one of the libraries at this meeting had 500 kids, and one had 1200!!!!!! I was proud to note that the one that had 500 kids had the same size collection as we have in most areas, in some we had more! and in some they did (to be expected considering they have a MUCH larger library, but the fact that our collection was generally equal was surprising). I went back to my library and told them how great our collection was.
Got my first Rhyme and Read session tomorrow, should be interesting. It's a bit touch and go because I have never sat in on one, I am winging this completely. If I run out of stories I can always sing the old favourites, lol.
Had a slight back log today when I got back to work, thankfully I was on top of most of it so only had a couple of things to push through. Went to an interesting meeting this morning and got some good ideas for children's programs. It really helps to have a support network. It did bring home to me how small my library demographic is - I had 40 kids for the Summer Reading Program and was pleased, it matched last years (so next year I am aiming for better), anyway, one of the libraries at this meeting had 500 kids, and one had 1200!!!!!! I was proud to note that the one that had 500 kids had the same size collection as we have in most areas, in some we had more! and in some they did (to be expected considering they have a MUCH larger library, but the fact that our collection was generally equal was surprising). I went back to my library and told them how great our collection was.
Got my first Rhyme and Read session tomorrow, should be interesting. It's a bit touch and go because I have never sat in on one, I am winging this completely. If I run out of stories I can always sing the old favourites, lol.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
It feels like a big change
I picked up my older boys on Sunday and immediately the general noise level in our house went up. Combine that with DH and the TV and the noise level was pretty unpleasant. But you get used to it or you go somewhere slightly quieter, there is no point in asking them to quiet down.
Today my oldest boy started at highschool. I was nervous, he was cool and calm. He rode his bike there and decided to go early so he could find the bike rack and not stress about being late to the meeting in the hall. He got homework on the first day!! 1 page of Maths homework which he did not enjoy completing at all. I was impressed with him when he told me he wanted to get there early again tomorrow so he could check out what rooms he was going to that day (and subsequently avoid getting lost). He has been nagging at me for months to let him play soccer, so we are signing up this weekend. A couple of kids from school also play soccer, so this is another way for him to make friends and socialise outside of school.
My middle son began his year at a new school and he was a bit quieter than normal, until we got to the classroom and I was going, then he started talking ten to the dozen. I think this school will be a new experience for him, there is alot more kids his own age and more resources available for him to utilise. He will be walking to school with friends he has made in our street. We were hoping to sign him up for Cubs this year but it seems to be run on Mondays, no good for me because I work Monday nights. I will ring around and see if there is a group run on another day, I would like for him to have the opportunity to experience something like this.
Today my oldest boy started at highschool. I was nervous, he was cool and calm. He rode his bike there and decided to go early so he could find the bike rack and not stress about being late to the meeting in the hall. He got homework on the first day!! 1 page of Maths homework which he did not enjoy completing at all. I was impressed with him when he told me he wanted to get there early again tomorrow so he could check out what rooms he was going to that day (and subsequently avoid getting lost). He has been nagging at me for months to let him play soccer, so we are signing up this weekend. A couple of kids from school also play soccer, so this is another way for him to make friends and socialise outside of school.
My middle son began his year at a new school and he was a bit quieter than normal, until we got to the classroom and I was going, then he started talking ten to the dozen. I think this school will be a new experience for him, there is alot more kids his own age and more resources available for him to utilise. He will be walking to school with friends he has made in our street. We were hoping to sign him up for Cubs this year but it seems to be run on Mondays, no good for me because I work Monday nights. I will ring around and see if there is a group run on another day, I would like for him to have the opportunity to experience something like this.
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