and things are different, but not different.
My weight is back up to what it was last January, which is disappointing but not unsurprising. I had a period where I was quite ill with gallstones and was unable to exercise, this was only resolved in January, much to my relief. Now it is a matter of getting back into exercise and this is a current struggle.
Hmmm, well, I quit my job last June and started working officially in childcare. Loved the job, hated the hours and pay and really struggled to cope. Woke up one day in Jan, not long after my gallbladder surgery, and decided I didn't want to go back to work. And I didn't. I emailed my resignation in Feb and am slowly adjusting to living on a very low income.
On the plus side, I am in the process of trying to kick off a small business. It's a typical stay at home mum type business, where I make hand crafted items to sell, but I am already seeing some success and feeling quite positive about where I'm headed.
The kids are fine. Teen is still at school and seems to be coping. He doesn't have a job yet and this is now a conflict for us as my income is so reduced. He frequently asks for hand-outs and I just don't have anything to give him. He does now have his learner driver licence and we try to do an hour a week of lessons. Tween has had a growth spurt and at 12 yrs old is now taller than me. He eats as much as his older brother. School is a bore for him, so he says, but he has big plans for his future and I have a feeling he will muddle along fairly well. He is keen to have a job and is counting the weeks till he can apply. Little Boy is my little delight as always. He makes me laugh every day and surprises me with his insights. I am thankful for him. He is doing very well in school, enjoys reading and loves maths.
I was prompted to start writing in this blog again because of the recent news that my mother, aged 59, has lung cancer. She also has an aortic dissection, which simply complicates matters further. She has had the aortic dissection since Easter 2009, so it's coming up to 4yrs. The doctors did not expect her to live this long, but she is a stubborn woman and was not ready to die.
Unfortunately the lung cancer means her time is nearly up.
At this point she has stage 2 lung cancer. She is experiencing tiredness and weight loss and has lost her appetite. She has had 2 severe chest infections already this year and I expect she will have another as winter comes on. We spent some time discussing it today and I got the impression that she does not expect to see another Christmas.
No child wants to be faced with the mortality of our parents. It's easy to pretend that your parent will be there forever, until you are confronted with the reality of a life that is ending.
As I always do when faced with a new subject/dilemma/issue, I googled. I looked up lung cancer and read all I could. I looked up blogs by people living with it. I feel like I have a reasonable understanding of what is happening at this point in time.
Tonight I spent time looking for books on Death and Dying. I am looking for information on how I can be a good support, on what I could possibly expect in the future. Knowledge is my strength and gives me comfort.
I am fine. Sad, but not a mess. Just sad. When talking to mum today we discussed her options for treatment. Chemotherapy is out, because of her dissection and because the doctors feel it won't be beneficial for her. A meeting is to be had with a surgeon in the near future and he will decide if he wants to attempt surgery. Again, the dissection is an issue as it runs close to her lung and affects her heart. There is a real possibility she may not come out of surgery. After surgery is radiation, and mum has decided she does not want it. She has discussed it with friends who have dealt with cancer, and also with her doctor, and she feels it is not worth the loss of quality of life.
As soon as I had heard what her options were I knew there was a likelihood she would say no to treatment. At this point she has said she will consider surgery, but if it is ruled out then she will just live out her days, however many they may be.
She has insisted we keep her cancer quiet, among close family and friends only. I can see her point but I struggle with it as it is not what I would do. I turn to the people in my world for support and comfort, mum needs only herself and her children. She has always been a private person, much worse than I was. I guess I learned the behaviour from her in the first place.
This is an experience I had hoped not to have for a few years yet.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Dating
sigh...
so for three years, off and on, I have made my way into the online dating world and attempted to find that which eludes me - enjoyable intimate masculine company.
Don't get me wrong, I like men, but from arms length. They often smell good, look good, and are fun to be around. But step into the dating world and you are faced with reality.
Men are quite simply motivated by their appendages.
I'm not unattractive. I'm not every man's cup of tea, but I do all right. I look young for my age and that seems to be particularly appealing. Online, I make sure I am polite, I try to present well (nice pics, but realistic ones taken within the last year), I make sure that my profile is truthful. Yet I seem to attract fat men, who are generally living with their parents, and are quite often bald/balding. Their pictures often don't match the real person. By the time they are in their mid 30's, these men seem to be experiencing the first part of their mid life crisis. The ones I meet have experienced the failure of marriage, often have a child or two they see on alternate weekends, may or may not have a steady job. Their conversation revolves around their failed relationships and access issues, although usually I manage to steer into another direction with some well placed questions, or a total subject change.
I'm not completely adverse to all of this. I can appreciate what it is to experience a poor relationship, but I will be forever thankful that my ex and I communicate well enough and are flexible enough in our schedules that access issues have never occurred. I'm also not a total bitch and have always considered it important that daddy spends time with his kids. I have always preferred to rent than live with my mother, because I prefer my independence over 'running home to mummy'. I have always tried to be working, because something is better than nothing. I don't sit there and moan about my relationship because that's nobody's business but mine and my ex's.
I'm not skinny, but I'm working on it and I dress appropriately for my size (except at derby lol). I don't make 'model style' efforts in my appearance - no fake nails/hair/eye colour/tan. I wear very little make up, I don't fuss over my hair. I present my self in person as the person that you will see most days. Why pretend? I'm not a party person, I rarely drink, I don't smoke or do drugs. I have difficulties with large crowds and dislike being in unfamiliar places where getting lost is likely. I'm not particularly interested in sports, or what's on television. I'd rather read a book. In conversation, I am attentive, interested, curious. I want to know this person who I have agreed to meet. I want to see if there are things we have in common that can create the basis for a future relationship. So, Mr, don't tell me you go to the gym, or bush walk, or camp, if you did it once six months ago. That's not you. That is an image you have chosen to present online, in the hope it will attract a woman. Don't use a photo that is 3 - 6 years old, because it is OBVIOUS the first time we meet. Be interested in what I have to say, instead of asking token questions because you know that is what is expected of you. Appreciate the fact that I have children and cannot go out at the drop of a hat.
I don't want to be wined and dined. I want to DO something! I want to be intrigued, and entertained.
I don't want to meet you for a drink, and have you hit on me as we go our separate ways, even when I've indicated that my kids are at home waiting for me. When I say I am not much of a drinker, I'd like you to listen and NOT ask me out for drinks again the next night. I don't want to meet you for a coffee and have you decide that that entitles you to send me slightly 'sexy' texts, and when I ask you to stop because I barely know you, you say you were only joking and it's just your humour...and you don't stop. I don't want to have a nice first evening with you (conversation and a few drinks), go our separate ways, then have you text me about how lonely you are and could I come over tomorrow night to keep you company. When I suggest that dinner would be nice, I don't want you to write back and suggest pizza and drinks...in your hotel room. I don't want to have you keep asking me if I am seeing someone else, when you have no claim to me.
When you boil it right down...I'm looking for the impossible. An intelligent man who I find attractive, who smells nice, dresses tidily. A man who is interested and interesting. A man who is attentive without being clingy, who is comfortable with his own company. A man who will encourage me out of my comfort zone with activities, but who will support me when I can only see black around me.
Honestly, I don't think I am capable of having a relationship with someone. I am intolerant and bitchy, over critical and dismissive. I have a short attention span, and actually get bored on dates because it's just the same old same old. I also get bored with the texting, because it's the same old same old. It all boils down to sex, and I get tired of it. I sigh! I am disappointed to be proven right when that first text comes through within a day or two of our first meet. The man I dated last yr, the one that ended in Nov, was the closest I had come to finding something that could work. However, he was physically old and uninterested in treating life as an adventure. Also, he embarrassed me in public and that goes down like a tonne of bricks.
sigh. The words 'Forever Alone' keep echoing in my head.
so for three years, off and on, I have made my way into the online dating world and attempted to find that which eludes me - enjoyable intimate masculine company.
Don't get me wrong, I like men, but from arms length. They often smell good, look good, and are fun to be around. But step into the dating world and you are faced with reality.
Men are quite simply motivated by their appendages.
I'm not unattractive. I'm not every man's cup of tea, but I do all right. I look young for my age and that seems to be particularly appealing. Online, I make sure I am polite, I try to present well (nice pics, but realistic ones taken within the last year), I make sure that my profile is truthful. Yet I seem to attract fat men, who are generally living with their parents, and are quite often bald/balding. Their pictures often don't match the real person. By the time they are in their mid 30's, these men seem to be experiencing the first part of their mid life crisis. The ones I meet have experienced the failure of marriage, often have a child or two they see on alternate weekends, may or may not have a steady job. Their conversation revolves around their failed relationships and access issues, although usually I manage to steer into another direction with some well placed questions, or a total subject change.
I'm not completely adverse to all of this. I can appreciate what it is to experience a poor relationship, but I will be forever thankful that my ex and I communicate well enough and are flexible enough in our schedules that access issues have never occurred. I'm also not a total bitch and have always considered it important that daddy spends time with his kids. I have always preferred to rent than live with my mother, because I prefer my independence over 'running home to mummy'. I have always tried to be working, because something is better than nothing. I don't sit there and moan about my relationship because that's nobody's business but mine and my ex's.
I'm not skinny, but I'm working on it and I dress appropriately for my size (except at derby lol). I don't make 'model style' efforts in my appearance - no fake nails/hair/eye colour/tan. I wear very little make up, I don't fuss over my hair. I present my self in person as the person that you will see most days. Why pretend? I'm not a party person, I rarely drink, I don't smoke or do drugs. I have difficulties with large crowds and dislike being in unfamiliar places where getting lost is likely. I'm not particularly interested in sports, or what's on television. I'd rather read a book. In conversation, I am attentive, interested, curious. I want to know this person who I have agreed to meet. I want to see if there are things we have in common that can create the basis for a future relationship. So, Mr, don't tell me you go to the gym, or bush walk, or camp, if you did it once six months ago. That's not you. That is an image you have chosen to present online, in the hope it will attract a woman. Don't use a photo that is 3 - 6 years old, because it is OBVIOUS the first time we meet. Be interested in what I have to say, instead of asking token questions because you know that is what is expected of you. Appreciate the fact that I have children and cannot go out at the drop of a hat.
I don't want to be wined and dined. I want to DO something! I want to be intrigued, and entertained.
I don't want to meet you for a drink, and have you hit on me as we go our separate ways, even when I've indicated that my kids are at home waiting for me. When I say I am not much of a drinker, I'd like you to listen and NOT ask me out for drinks again the next night. I don't want to meet you for a coffee and have you decide that that entitles you to send me slightly 'sexy' texts, and when I ask you to stop because I barely know you, you say you were only joking and it's just your humour...and you don't stop. I don't want to have a nice first evening with you (conversation and a few drinks), go our separate ways, then have you text me about how lonely you are and could I come over tomorrow night to keep you company. When I suggest that dinner would be nice, I don't want you to write back and suggest pizza and drinks...in your hotel room. I don't want to have you keep asking me if I am seeing someone else, when you have no claim to me.
When you boil it right down...I'm looking for the impossible. An intelligent man who I find attractive, who smells nice, dresses tidily. A man who is interested and interesting. A man who is attentive without being clingy, who is comfortable with his own company. A man who will encourage me out of my comfort zone with activities, but who will support me when I can only see black around me.
Honestly, I don't think I am capable of having a relationship with someone. I am intolerant and bitchy, over critical and dismissive. I have a short attention span, and actually get bored on dates because it's just the same old same old. I also get bored with the texting, because it's the same old same old. It all boils down to sex, and I get tired of it. I sigh! I am disappointed to be proven right when that first text comes through within a day or two of our first meet. The man I dated last yr, the one that ended in Nov, was the closest I had come to finding something that could work. However, he was physically old and uninterested in treating life as an adventure. Also, he embarrassed me in public and that goes down like a tonne of bricks.
sigh. The words 'Forever Alone' keep echoing in my head.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Update
3rd Feb 2012 measurements
Bust 113
Waist 108
Hips 123
Thighs 66
Arms 39
Current
Bust 106
Waist 97
Hips 114
Thighs 56
Arms 34
Highest weight 104kg. Current weight 95.5kg. Goal weight 80kg.
Doing a lot of running these days, have done multiple fun runs ranging from 5k to 10k. I'm not running the whole way, but I'm doing so much better than I was a few months ago. Also doing a bit of strength work. I like the idea of being fit and strong, just don't want to be super skinny.
Not skating anymore. My head can't handle the pressure and I have massive anxiety about doing contact again (which is odd, cos I loved it, but whatever. Stupid head). Still involved in Derby committee work, love being part of the behind the scenes stuff and seeing how it's growing. I'm excited for the future of our league.
Kids are good. It's all so much easier than it was a couple of years ago.
Single. Have been since last November. It's not so bad. Occasionally lonely.
Have been off the anti depressants for about 3mths. Some days that's a bad thing :-/ Was an accidental thing, kind of. The meds weren't in stock at my chemist when I needed them and I just never got round to going back. I have learnt that tiredness is a massive factor in my coping ability, so getting enough sleep is a priority. Most of the time I'm fine.
Current
Bust 106
Waist 97
Hips 114
Thighs 56
Arms 34
Highest weight 104kg. Current weight 95.5kg. Goal weight 80kg.
Doing a lot of running these days, have done multiple fun runs ranging from 5k to 10k. I'm not running the whole way, but I'm doing so much better than I was a few months ago. Also doing a bit of strength work. I like the idea of being fit and strong, just don't want to be super skinny.
Not skating anymore. My head can't handle the pressure and I have massive anxiety about doing contact again (which is odd, cos I loved it, but whatever. Stupid head). Still involved in Derby committee work, love being part of the behind the scenes stuff and seeing how it's growing. I'm excited for the future of our league.
Kids are good. It's all so much easier than it was a couple of years ago.
Single. Have been since last November. It's not so bad. Occasionally lonely.
Have been off the anti depressants for about 3mths. Some days that's a bad thing :-/ Was an accidental thing, kind of. The meds weren't in stock at my chemist when I needed them and I just never got round to going back. I have learnt that tiredness is a massive factor in my coping ability, so getting enough sleep is a priority. Most of the time I'm fine.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Feb 14th measurements
Bust 112
Waist 107
Hips 119
Thighs 58
Arms 37.5
Current measurements
Bust 111
Waist 103
Hips 119
Thighs 57
Arms 37.5
Have dropped 7kgs as of last week, will weigh again in a couple of days. Ate pretty badly last weekend and felt sick Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, so didn't train. Got back into it on Wednesday and feel fine.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Exercise
I've been doing a bootcamp for the last 4 weeks and am feeling much stronger and fitter. My measurements last Nov were
Bust 114
Waist 110
Hips 126
Thighs 66
Arms 40
Today they are
Bust 113
Waist 108
Hips 123
Thighs 66
Arms 39
Glad to see a change in my waist and hips. Have 8 weeks to go in the bootcamp, hoping to lose 8kgs.
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