A little heartbroken and lost

Teen has been stealing from me. He has gone through my cupboards and drawers in my bedroom and taken items from there. He goes through the cupboards in the kitchen and helps himself to whatever he wants without checking that it is ok to have (there has been a number of occasions where he has eaten food set aside for school lunches). I have one shelf in the kitchen that I reserve for myself, it has my healthy snacks, my protein powder and, on the rare occasion there is enough money in the house, it is where I put my chocolate.

Trust in this house is assumed. Basic respect of space and property is expected. Unfortunately Teen seems to have completely bypassed the lessons on trust and respect. Nothing is safe from his prying hands and eyes. If he wants something, he takes it. He has lost all my tools by not returning them after use, destroyed my garden fork because he had the shits, destroyed an outdoor broom that belongs to the owners of the house, put dents in the walls.

The current last straw was when I went to my cupboard last night to enjoy some chocolate that my brother had bought me as a gift. It was gone. I immediately confronted Teen, who said he took some. I pointed out that the whole block was gone, so where was the rest of it? He got it from his school bag. Less than half a block. I was close to tears, I had been looking forward to this treat all day. I yelled at him, saying that it was a gift from my brother, that Teen invades every space in this house, so why could I not have just this one shelf that he does not touch? He had nothing for me, did not seem phased by how upset I was.

I feel like I have nothing left for him. Trust and respect is so important to me and I feel that it is beyond me to generate any more forgiveness for this person who cares so little for other people's things.

I am devastated. I do not know what to do. I do not want to be around him. I do not want him near me. I want to turn my back on him. I am so lost.

I feel like a failure as a parent.

Reflective and sad

I had it in my head that I only post on here when I am miserable, so I was glad to see that the last couple of posts are actually pretty positive :)

I love Roller Derby. I love how it brings such an eclectic group of people together who share the passion and have this, if nothing else, in common. I was so happy to find a place in this town that allowed me to tap into my personality even more and helped me to discover or acknowledge more about myself (like that I am lazy and easily distracted when it comes to exercise lol). I came to the league as an average skater, able to stay upright and skate in a circle, but no real skills to speak of. Even I am impressed with how far I have come in the last year. I haven't skated much for the last few months, but I can put my skates on and still execute a T-Stop, and one knee fall, a Porn Star and a Baseball Slide. I can still sticky skate and whip and jump. I can feel the hunger building again, the desire to get out there and block, and hit, and defend, to feel the fishnet burn as I take a slide. And it is my league, the girls and boys of the league I love, that has brought me to where I am today.

So to have the unity of our league threatened is breaking my heart. I am hurting, not just for myself, but for all the girls and guys who are being affected by the words and actions of a small group within the league. Someone recently described them as cancerous, and I can't entirely disagree with that description. I think the fact that our AGM is about to happen has exacerbated the issue. There are so many little dramas and goings-on that have happened over the last 6 mths or so, happenings that have culminated in our Head Coach walking out, our President and Grievance Officer coming close to mental break downs, and anger, so much anger. So much anger! And the anger comes from men and women who are passionate about the sport, passionate about our league, men and women who are scared that this little group will damage our league beyond repair. I too stand scared that this will change the league forever, will scar it. Maybe it is being blown out of proportion, and honestly, some of what has happened has made for a good laugh...but the anger...

Time will tell

I gave D the flick again. Not interested in going into it, it simply was never going to move forward. I was sad for a few days and then a bit angry (at myself and him). But then I was over it. I have spent some time reflecting on different things I did during the time I knew him and realise that I made my share of mistakes, as you do, but I am glad to move on from it all.

Little Boy just came out to me and snuggled his sleepy goodness into my arms.

I need to hold on to the little positives and joys in my life to get me through the days when I struggle to breathe.

ah...and now to the kids

It is now that I am realising, more than ever, that the way males and females think and do are very very different (yes, I am being general, just because it is easier). I always dreaded the teen yrs, because as a teen I was (to my mind) evil personified. At least till I left home anyway. So, in comparison, my Teen is actually not too bad. He comes home at his curfew, he does a few jobs around the house when asked (or at least on the same day) and without complaining, he turns up at school, he still makes me laugh occasionally, and he still gives me a hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me at least once a day. These things I appreciate and love. But I fear for his future. I fear for his growth into a good man (I've been reading Celia Lashie's book 'He'll be Ok'). He has stolen from me, nothing major, but it's the principle of the matter. He has gone into my room and gone through my draws and cupboards and taken things. He has destroyed objects that do not belong to him. His anger towards his brothers hurts me and scares me a little.

So I had a mental health assessment done by our GP and we were referred to a Child Psych. We have attended two sessions with her. Teen is not impressed, and to be honest, after reflection, neither am I. He does not like her because her manner is a little odd, she is not someone I could see him connecting with. I am not impressed because at the last session I felt like it became a 'me and her against him' type session (I sit in on the sessions). She even used the words 'make your mother happy' as his incentive for completing some basic short term goals. Like that is really going to work (and surprise surprise, after nearly a week nothing is achieved).

Seeing a woman counsellor is like having another mother growling at him, another woman who cannot relate to how Teen, as a male, is feeling. My feeling is that he needs a male counsellor, psych, whatever. He has no good male role model in his life, no adult male he can ask questions of (although at this age apparently they don't do that anyway). There is no one to give him guidance on how to be a good man. Celia Lashie's book was a good read, as have been other books I have been reading that have enlightened me a little about men's behaviour. But it doesn't help me/us/him in the raw physicality of negotiating teenagehood.

I have moments where I hate, with a passion, that I have to go through this apparently alone. I have moments where I look at the fact that once his years are done, I will have the next boy moving into it, and then the next, and I just want to cry. I will have no break from teenagers for the next 14 or so yrs.

I am asked fairly regularly whether working with kids makes me want to have more. For a brief period this year, when close friends were having babies or falling pregnant, I would have said 'yes'. I got over it. Living with a teenager is an excellent birth control method. If I had another within the next year I would have twenty years of teenagers to look forward to. No thank you very much.

So where are Teen and I at now? Well, I guess I shall be calling the Psych this week and discussing my concerns with her. If need be we shall go back to the GP and seek another referral, or I shall source some community counselling service for him (the Psych is pretty bloody expensive).

No. 2 is plodding along nicely. I celebrate his achievements, try to hug him at least once a day (he's not a huggy person but he does it willingly), and make sure he knows I love him (as I do with all of them).

Little Boy...took him to the Dr when he was pretty sick with the flu a few months ago and she mentioned that his heart sounded a little irregular and perhaps we should have it checked again the next time he is at the Dr's. So I took him in for his 4yr old shots last week (yes, there is a large gap between a few months and last week, let's call it 'preferring to be ignorant') and mentioned it to the GP we saw. He had a listen and said that yes, it did sound as if there was a heart murmur and how about we get an ECG done to investigate further. We discussed Little Boys' development (which, other than being pretty short for his age, is coming along beautifully) and left it at that. I can't get an ECG appointment before the new year.

Needless to say, having the concern confirmed and acknowledged was rather upsetting. It does not matter if a Dr says it may be nothing, at the moment it is something and it is a scary something and it brings up my fear of losing any more of my children. I'm not coddling him, I am not that kind of mother, but I look at him and try to imagine a life without him in it and so I treasure the cuddles, and the kisses, and the silly games we play, and the sulks, and the innate reasonableness and desire to please that abounds in his personality.

It was the same when Teen was getting his tests done for his leg and his head. I can't imagine a life without my boys (although some days I pray for a little peace and strength).

At times I find the saying 'God only gives you as much as you can handle' going through my head. Depending on my mood I sigh and reach down a bit deeper to get the strength I need (although in reading that I am thinking perhaps I need to be reaching out to Him more instead), or I get a bit angry that yet again I have fear and pain and unhappiness stretching their tendrils into my life. I place no blame on God, he is a rock in the storm.

Life is not easy, but I get a bit tired of it being 'not easy' so often.

Reading with Little Boy

Procrastinating is what I am doing at the moment. I am working on my final uni assignment for this semester and find it both boring and intriguing at the same time. It is an essay on cognitive development. Children in general interest me - their differing behaviours and reactions, how they think and interpret situations. Writing about it, on the other hand, is blah. I am merely repeating what others have written before me.

Little Boy (formerly Toddler) and I love to read together at bedtime. If it is not too late we will always read at least one story, but if he gets to bed on time we read three, and if he gives me big smoochy kisses and hugs I might be convinced to read a fourth! A current favourite is 'Boris Monster : Scared of Nothing', and another is the 'Wiggly Word House' (we have read this so much I groan when he pulls it out of the shelf, but I still read it). Last night we were reading a Dora the Explorer seek and find book, another one that has been a long time favourite of his and makes me groan when I see it. Sometimes when I get bored with a book we make it silly. In the Dora book we pretend that what we have to find is called something else, e.g. a book is an elephant, a ruler becomes a chicken, a dog becomes a boot. Since I love to hear him laugh, and he thinks games like this are pretty damn funny, it makes reading the book (for the thousandth time) much more enjoyable.

Anyway, all this reading on cognitive development also makes me pay attention to how Little Boy views things, and he is of an age where I can ask him questions about why he thinks something is what it is. In this case, he showed me a picture of a turtle and said 'this is a turtle'. Of course I immediately said 'no, it's a banana' and was rewarded with a giggle, but then I asked him 'How do you know it's a turtle?' We were silly for a bit longer, and then he pointed to it and said 'it's legs'
Me 'because they are short?'
Little Boy 'yes....and his thing on his back'
Me 'the shell? That's called a shell'
Little Boy ' yes, his shell'.
He looked at the pic for a few seconds more and then announced 'and his googly eyes!'
Of course that set us both laughing.

I love reading books with my Little Boy

Entertained

It is quite fun to go back and read old posts and see how little, or how much, has changed.

D and I are plodding along just fine. It's been two years since we met online and I wish I could say it has been easy, but my goodness it has not, lol. We have both agreed that we are tired of the 'on again, off again' relationship and that we are going to give it a good hard go this time. I may read this in 3 months and laugh and shake my head, but for now that is where we are at. One of the most important things was that I need to stop thinking that he is the same as me. I think we have proved time and again that that is not the case. He has asked only one thing of me and that is to 'just relax'. I laughed when he said that and hid my head, because I know it is true, I get so strung out about us sometimes that I turn my back and run.

My job is great for child observation. I am intrigued to see how different boys and girls are from a very young age, usually from about 3 yrs you can really see boys vs girls. By that I mean the gender differences. For example, when I have 3 girls and 1 boy around 4 yrs, the girls will flock together, will play pretend games in the cubby house and with the picnic food and may exclude the boy completely unless they are playing 'mums and dads'. The boy may go off and play with cars. I rarely see girls gravitate towards the cars.

Letter from the past

I received a letter from myself today via http://www.futureme.org/. It was only a short email, I remember at the time wondering if it was a joke and doing the email more as a test.

I asked myself if D was still in the picture, if my mum was still alive, had my toddler finished toilet training, did my boys still hug and kiss me every day and did teen still tell me that he loved me. I asked myself whether I was playing roller derby, did I get in to uni, am I treating myself well.

It was interesting to read. I will write another one, a longer one, asking similaar questions I suppose, but going into more detail about what life is like right now.

memories

I have been off visiting my best friend and her family this week just gone. She is the proud mum of two boys aged 6 and 2, and a brand new baby girl. I spent the week being her nanny, and chauffeur, and cleaner when required. The nanny bit was pretty tiring, as her 2 yr old is a bundle of mischief and had to be watched like a hawk. I had my younger two there as well and so 5 kids made for an energetic week.

I had lots of cuddles with the new baby too, and have subsequently found that it has brought up some stuff for me.

While I don't feel clucky, the wanting has returned. I would cradle her little head in my hand and marvel at how perfect she is, marvel at the miracle of life. I found myself recalling the feeling of being pregnant, that fullness, the ripeness of the body, the nudge from a foot, or hand, or head. I found myself wanting to experience it again. I also recall the exhaustion from lack of sleep, but how that was overwhelmed by the joy of a new baby.

It also had me thinking about my first baby. The ten hour drive home gave me plenty of time for mulling over old memories, and trying to recall much that I had forgotten. I get so frustrated at my poor memory, as it means I lose the opportunity to relive experiences.

Anyway, my thoughts were on the baby I had lost when he was 6 weeks old. He died of meningitis, at a time when it was very rare. I was only 15 at the time, and my partner must have been barely 18. We went to the Dr thinking he had chicken pox, instead, the Dr told us to get straight to the hospital as she did not know what he had but it definitely was not chicken pox. And so began living hell, the next 24hrs are hrs I would never want to relive. Such a great loss for such young people to bear.

That baby would have been turning 18 this year, and so I can not help but wonder what might have been.

Sometimes I feel as if I have lived multiple lifetimes in this one life. Sometimes I look back on it all and marvel that I am here now, moderately sane, and mostly happy. Do I thank my mother for my resilience? Did it come from having a supportive early childhood, or one where I was expected to look after myself to some extent? I think, knowing my mother, that the latter is more likely.

Smiley face

I feel on top of the world today. No idea why. Maybe it is because the sun was shining when I woke, maybe it is because I have a stress free day ahead of me. It could be the two corsets I bought last night, or the fact I just signed back up to Weight Watchers again, cos my laziness and crap diet have caught up with me and I am close to 3 digits again. Could be because of all the compliments I got last night about what I was wearing, which was a dress I had made myself.

I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it.

I am not stressing over D. I am, strangely enough, liking that he is back in my life. I think I am crazy, but crazy is not so bad. Being with T and enjoying him as a friend, and not being caught up in all the emotional bullshit made me wonder if I could have that with D. I don't know.

Still in touch with T, he let me know he is looking for work and trying to stay positive. I still remain disappointed that his disease was something that was too big for me (and him too really) to handle, as I continue to think he is a great person.

My weight...I got on the scales yesterday morning and was not surprised by what I saw. I have noticed my clothes are tighter and my fitness is less. Decided to bite the bullet this morning and sign up for WW, just because it has worked for me in the past. I have set a goal to lose 19kgs. It will take me about 6 mths.