It is quite fun to go back and read old posts and see how little, or how much, has changed.
D and I are plodding along just fine. It's been two years since we met online and I wish I could say it has been easy, but my goodness it has not, lol. We have both agreed that we are tired of the 'on again, off again' relationship and that we are going to give it a good hard go this time. I may read this in 3 months and laugh and shake my head, but for now that is where we are at. One of the most important things was that I need to stop thinking that he is the same as me. I think we have proved time and again that that is not the case. He has asked only one thing of me and that is to 'just relax'. I laughed when he said that and hid my head, because I know it is true, I get so strung out about us sometimes that I turn my back and run.
My job is great for child observation. I am intrigued to see how different boys and girls are from a very young age, usually from about 3 yrs you can really see boys vs girls. By that I mean the gender differences. For example, when I have 3 girls and 1 boy around 4 yrs, the girls will flock together, will play pretend games in the cubby house and with the picnic food and may exclude the boy completely unless they are playing 'mums and dads'. The boy may go off and play with cars. I rarely see girls gravitate towards the cars.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Letter from the past
I received a letter from myself today via http://www.futureme.org/. It was only a short email, I remember at the time wondering if it was a joke and doing the email more as a test.
I asked myself if D was still in the picture, if my mum was still alive, had my toddler finished toilet training, did my boys still hug and kiss me every day and did teen still tell me that he loved me. I asked myself whether I was playing roller derby, did I get in to uni, am I treating myself well.
It was interesting to read. I will write another one, a longer one, asking similaar questions I suppose, but going into more detail about what life is like right now.
I asked myself if D was still in the picture, if my mum was still alive, had my toddler finished toilet training, did my boys still hug and kiss me every day and did teen still tell me that he loved me. I asked myself whether I was playing roller derby, did I get in to uni, am I treating myself well.
It was interesting to read. I will write another one, a longer one, asking similaar questions I suppose, but going into more detail about what life is like right now.
Monday, September 6, 2010
memories
I have been off visiting my best friend and her family this week just gone. She is the proud mum of two boys aged 6 and 2, and a brand new baby girl. I spent the week being her nanny, and chauffeur, and cleaner when required. The nanny bit was pretty tiring, as her 2 yr old is a bundle of mischief and had to be watched like a hawk. I had my younger two there as well and so 5 kids made for an energetic week.
I had lots of cuddles with the new baby too, and have subsequently found that it has brought up some stuff for me.
While I don't feel clucky, the wanting has returned. I would cradle her little head in my hand and marvel at how perfect she is, marvel at the miracle of life. I found myself recalling the feeling of being pregnant, that fullness, the ripeness of the body, the nudge from a foot, or hand, or head. I found myself wanting to experience it again. I also recall the exhaustion from lack of sleep, but how that was overwhelmed by the joy of a new baby.
It also had me thinking about my first baby. The ten hour drive home gave me plenty of time for mulling over old memories, and trying to recall much that I had forgotten. I get so frustrated at my poor memory, as it means I lose the opportunity to relive experiences.
Anyway, my thoughts were on the baby I had lost when he was 6 weeks old. He died of meningitis, at a time when it was very rare. I was only 15 at the time, and my partner must have been barely 18. We went to the Dr thinking he had chicken pox, instead, the Dr told us to get straight to the hospital as she did not know what he had but it definitely was not chicken pox. And so began living hell, the next 24hrs are hrs I would never want to relive. Such a great loss for such young people to bear.
That baby would have been turning 18 this year, and so I can not help but wonder what might have been.
Sometimes I feel as if I have lived multiple lifetimes in this one life. Sometimes I look back on it all and marvel that I am here now, moderately sane, and mostly happy. Do I thank my mother for my resilience? Did it come from having a supportive early childhood, or one where I was expected to look after myself to some extent? I think, knowing my mother, that the latter is more likely.
I had lots of cuddles with the new baby too, and have subsequently found that it has brought up some stuff for me.
While I don't feel clucky, the wanting has returned. I would cradle her little head in my hand and marvel at how perfect she is, marvel at the miracle of life. I found myself recalling the feeling of being pregnant, that fullness, the ripeness of the body, the nudge from a foot, or hand, or head. I found myself wanting to experience it again. I also recall the exhaustion from lack of sleep, but how that was overwhelmed by the joy of a new baby.
It also had me thinking about my first baby. The ten hour drive home gave me plenty of time for mulling over old memories, and trying to recall much that I had forgotten. I get so frustrated at my poor memory, as it means I lose the opportunity to relive experiences.
Anyway, my thoughts were on the baby I had lost when he was 6 weeks old. He died of meningitis, at a time when it was very rare. I was only 15 at the time, and my partner must have been barely 18. We went to the Dr thinking he had chicken pox, instead, the Dr told us to get straight to the hospital as she did not know what he had but it definitely was not chicken pox. And so began living hell, the next 24hrs are hrs I would never want to relive. Such a great loss for such young people to bear.
That baby would have been turning 18 this year, and so I can not help but wonder what might have been.
Sometimes I feel as if I have lived multiple lifetimes in this one life. Sometimes I look back on it all and marvel that I am here now, moderately sane, and mostly happy. Do I thank my mother for my resilience? Did it come from having a supportive early childhood, or one where I was expected to look after myself to some extent? I think, knowing my mother, that the latter is more likely.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Smiley face
I feel on top of the world today. No idea why. Maybe it is because the sun was shining when I woke, maybe it is because I have a stress free day ahead of me. It could be the two corsets I bought last night, or the fact I just signed back up to Weight Watchers again, cos my laziness and crap diet have caught up with me and I am close to 3 digits again. Could be because of all the compliments I got last night about what I was wearing, which was a dress I had made myself.
I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it.
I am not stressing over D. I am, strangely enough, liking that he is back in my life. I think I am crazy, but crazy is not so bad. Being with T and enjoying him as a friend, and not being caught up in all the emotional bullshit made me wonder if I could have that with D. I don't know.
Still in touch with T, he let me know he is looking for work and trying to stay positive. I still remain disappointed that his disease was something that was too big for me (and him too really) to handle, as I continue to think he is a great person.
My weight...I got on the scales yesterday morning and was not surprised by what I saw. I have noticed my clothes are tighter and my fitness is less. Decided to bite the bullet this morning and sign up for WW, just because it has worked for me in the past. I have set a goal to lose 19kgs. It will take me about 6 mths.
I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it.
I am not stressing over D. I am, strangely enough, liking that he is back in my life. I think I am crazy, but crazy is not so bad. Being with T and enjoying him as a friend, and not being caught up in all the emotional bullshit made me wonder if I could have that with D. I don't know.
Still in touch with T, he let me know he is looking for work and trying to stay positive. I still remain disappointed that his disease was something that was too big for me (and him too really) to handle, as I continue to think he is a great person.
My weight...I got on the scales yesterday morning and was not surprised by what I saw. I have noticed my clothes are tighter and my fitness is less. Decided to bite the bullet this morning and sign up for WW, just because it has worked for me in the past. I have set a goal to lose 19kgs. It will take me about 6 mths.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Disappointed
sooo...things are over with T. Turns out that he was not an ex-alcoholic, but a current one. He lost his job last week because he turned up drunk. I spent the weekend thinking about whether I wanted a relationship with a person with this disease, and decided that I could not handle it emotionally. I would stress about it and if he ever had a drink I would be a bitch about it, and I said all that to him when I saw him again. He appeared to understand, and we chatted for another hour about other stuff. I am glad that I never got emotionally involved, I enjoyed him as a friend and had just started thinking about a possible future for us when he sat me down and told me about his drinking and his job. It is disappointing that he is such a great guy, with such a massive problem.
Then...I asked D for help with something that I knew he was familiar with, and somehow that led to us meeting up and hanging out for a few hours.
Sigh...I get so frustrated with my own inability to just let him go once and for all.
Then...I asked D for help with something that I knew he was familiar with, and somehow that led to us meeting up and hanging out for a few hours.
Sigh...I get so frustrated with my own inability to just let him go once and for all.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
how things change
I have never been far away, but as usual, life gets in the way. I miss blogging tho, miss seeing my words on 'paper' and reading back over time. It's not really that hard to take 15mins or so to write, well...you would think.
Anyway
I temped at the gov job, did my usual 'fall asleep during the middle of the day out of sheer boredom' thing and decided when that contract ended and I was offered an extension, that no, I would not take it. The money was good and made a huge difference to my financial situation, but the job was detrimental to my uni (I came very close to failing a couple of subjects) and boring as bat shit. The hours also sucked. So I declined the offer and went on my merry way. Did the catalogues for a couple more weeks and then said 'screw this', the pay was crap for the amount of work required and the only benefit was the exercise (which I no longer do and miss). So I was jobless for oh...about 3 weeks..lol. Was at the gym one day and the girl I was with told me about a job listing she had seen in the change room, the gym was looking for someone for their creche. I went in and spoke to the lady, next day I dropped in my paperwork, two days later they called and asked me to do a trial, did that and got the job.
So I have been there for two months now. I can't say I like it all that much, but it is certainly challenging. I work two mornings with a colleague for two hours, and three evenings by myself for 3hrs a night, and every second Sat by myself for 3hrs. I have rearranged my life to fit in with this (which is not great but ...meh). I supervise/care for children aged 5 weeks to 12yrs and can have anywhere from 2 - 24 kids at any given time. I have one child who is there every day who has quite aggressive behaviour and I find she is my main challenge, although when I have 4 babies and they are all requiring my attention I find THAT is a real challenge! I come home feeling tired and feeling like I have not made a difference in the world other than to give some parents time to have a bit of a work-out. The experience is good, but I can't see myself being here long term.
Uni...what a drama that has been this semester. As I mentioned before, I came close to failing a couple of subjects, but stopped working just in time to make an awesome comeback and get two passes and two credits. So I get to this semester, select my subjects, forget about registering for tutorials, go to register and find that I can get almost nothing when it suits me best...meh. Yet again I am missing most of my lectures because they clash with work, but then there is more. One of my subjects, that I was particularly looking forward to, is Creative Arts. however, can't get to the lecture. One of my friends does go and writes to tell me that if I can't attend lectures then I am in a bad way because the Teachers will not be putting anything on the Student website. In other words, the lecture for this subject is compulosry. So I drop out of that subject and I pick up Maths (god forbid). I am already nearly two full weeks behind when this happens so I do a mass study session and catch up on that. I also had K-6 English, another subject I was kind of looking forward to. We have compulsory school visits for this, however the visits aren't assessed, they are just compulsory because the Head Teacher says so. It is an immediate fail if you don't attend. Initially I thought 'no problem at all', but then realised this week that one of the school visits falls when I am going to my best friends to help with her kids while she recovers from a ceasarean. So I contact the teacher to check about the school visits and she says 'withdraw or fail, your choice'. I'm all WTF??? So I can attend 3 of 4 and still fail??? 'yep'. Not happy. I withdraw. There goes $130 on textbooks. Hopefully I can use them next year. I may do 5 subjects in 2nd semester next year, just to try and catch back up. No way was I going to pick up a 2nd year subject 3 weeks into this semester.
So I am studying Maths (not my best subject...ever), Science (which is awesome! This week we extracted DNA from a strawberry and last week we poked holes in potatoes LOL), and Foundations of Child Development (which is all about how children grow up and what it is affected by).
Paid off a big chunk of debt with my tax return, so I am glad for the work I had last year that enabled me to do that.
Teen is going...fine. He has good moments and bad moments, but overall we aren't doing so badly. He is talking about looking for work and maybe staying on at school. The doc decided the lump on his leg was nothing to worry about and so that was that.
No.2 is good, plodding along as always. He attends Scouts now and seems to enjoy it.
Little Boy is gorgeous :-) He is 4 yrs old soon.
Love...lol @ D who is a total fail as far as life is concerned. He lives his life in front of the computer or at work and that just bores me to tears. I gave him the flick again about 3 months ago, and haven't looked back. I realised that at the time I met him he seemed like what I was looking for, but that as time went on I realised that he and I had little in common and he was not really very good at being in a relationship...basically, it was heading in the same direction that my marriage had.
So...about 2 months ago I met T. We have been dating for that time, and only last week took it to a new level. So it has been a nice, slow process of actually getting to know each other. He is 36, has two children that he spends alot of time with, has a stable job, does not live at home with mum and dad, and shares alot of my values and principles. I enjoy talking to him, and listening to him talk. He is a working man, so has a few rough edges, but I actually like that. He has a good work ethic, a good attitude about his kids, and a positive outlook on life. He is an ex-alcoholic, but has attended two years of AA and counselling and is comfortable with where he is at now (it's been about 3yrs since he sorted his stuff out). He had some shit happen in his childhood that he dealt with and now he enjoys a beer for the sake of a beer, rather than as a tool to drown memories. Should I be concerned that he still drinks? We have discussed it. He is very open and up front with me, because that is how he likes it, and from the stories he has told I get the definite impression that his couple of beers an evening are nothing compared to how much he drank before (we watched the movie Pay It Forward, the mother in it has a drinking problem and he told me her behaviour was much the same for him when he was at his worst and trying to quit). I feel ok about it. I am not much of a drinker myself and when I visit him at his house I head for the kettle rather than the fridge. Since this relationship is a slow process I will have time to get to know him and his habits better. He gets on fine with my kids, and I with his, we have had a few 'family' meet ups and our kids got on fine. He's not Prince Charming, but I met that guy and he was a dick, so the side-kick will do me just fine :-)
Mum is still alive and seems to have a new lease on life. She had a boyfriend for a while, but he has recently moved away for work, so I'm not sure how that is going to end up. She has been back outside pottering in her garden again, which is wonderful to see, and she has quilts on the go and one that she completed recently that won her prizes at a quilt show. All good things.
Oh...derby...well...that calf issue I was having is Shin Splints, and it got to the point where I was in tears from the pain at every training session. So I have eased off on the skating alot. I am still involved in other ways, but not bouting. I attend training twice a week, only skate for one of those sessions, and last about an hour before my body has had enough. It is disappointing and had me heartbroken for a bit, but I am better now and finding a new place for myself within the league. Unfortunately the lack of exercise means my weight is creeping up and I am hovering close to three digits again (kept it off for nearly two years tho, yay me). I am struggling to bring my eating under control. Looks like I need to head back to Weight Watchers again.
Anyway
I temped at the gov job, did my usual 'fall asleep during the middle of the day out of sheer boredom' thing and decided when that contract ended and I was offered an extension, that no, I would not take it. The money was good and made a huge difference to my financial situation, but the job was detrimental to my uni (I came very close to failing a couple of subjects) and boring as bat shit. The hours also sucked. So I declined the offer and went on my merry way. Did the catalogues for a couple more weeks and then said 'screw this', the pay was crap for the amount of work required and the only benefit was the exercise (which I no longer do and miss). So I was jobless for oh...about 3 weeks..lol. Was at the gym one day and the girl I was with told me about a job listing she had seen in the change room, the gym was looking for someone for their creche. I went in and spoke to the lady, next day I dropped in my paperwork, two days later they called and asked me to do a trial, did that and got the job.
So I have been there for two months now. I can't say I like it all that much, but it is certainly challenging. I work two mornings with a colleague for two hours, and three evenings by myself for 3hrs a night, and every second Sat by myself for 3hrs. I have rearranged my life to fit in with this (which is not great but ...meh). I supervise/care for children aged 5 weeks to 12yrs and can have anywhere from 2 - 24 kids at any given time. I have one child who is there every day who has quite aggressive behaviour and I find she is my main challenge, although when I have 4 babies and they are all requiring my attention I find THAT is a real challenge! I come home feeling tired and feeling like I have not made a difference in the world other than to give some parents time to have a bit of a work-out. The experience is good, but I can't see myself being here long term.
Uni...what a drama that has been this semester. As I mentioned before, I came close to failing a couple of subjects, but stopped working just in time to make an awesome comeback and get two passes and two credits. So I get to this semester, select my subjects, forget about registering for tutorials, go to register and find that I can get almost nothing when it suits me best...meh. Yet again I am missing most of my lectures because they clash with work, but then there is more. One of my subjects, that I was particularly looking forward to, is Creative Arts. however, can't get to the lecture. One of my friends does go and writes to tell me that if I can't attend lectures then I am in a bad way because the Teachers will not be putting anything on the Student website. In other words, the lecture for this subject is compulosry. So I drop out of that subject and I pick up Maths (god forbid). I am already nearly two full weeks behind when this happens so I do a mass study session and catch up on that. I also had K-6 English, another subject I was kind of looking forward to. We have compulsory school visits for this, however the visits aren't assessed, they are just compulsory because the Head Teacher says so. It is an immediate fail if you don't attend. Initially I thought 'no problem at all', but then realised this week that one of the school visits falls when I am going to my best friends to help with her kids while she recovers from a ceasarean. So I contact the teacher to check about the school visits and she says 'withdraw or fail, your choice'. I'm all WTF??? So I can attend 3 of 4 and still fail??? 'yep'. Not happy. I withdraw. There goes $130 on textbooks. Hopefully I can use them next year. I may do 5 subjects in 2nd semester next year, just to try and catch back up. No way was I going to pick up a 2nd year subject 3 weeks into this semester.
So I am studying Maths (not my best subject...ever), Science (which is awesome! This week we extracted DNA from a strawberry and last week we poked holes in potatoes LOL), and Foundations of Child Development (which is all about how children grow up and what it is affected by).
Paid off a big chunk of debt with my tax return, so I am glad for the work I had last year that enabled me to do that.
Teen is going...fine. He has good moments and bad moments, but overall we aren't doing so badly. He is talking about looking for work and maybe staying on at school. The doc decided the lump on his leg was nothing to worry about and so that was that.
No.2 is good, plodding along as always. He attends Scouts now and seems to enjoy it.
Little Boy is gorgeous :-) He is 4 yrs old soon.
Love...lol @ D who is a total fail as far as life is concerned. He lives his life in front of the computer or at work and that just bores me to tears. I gave him the flick again about 3 months ago, and haven't looked back. I realised that at the time I met him he seemed like what I was looking for, but that as time went on I realised that he and I had little in common and he was not really very good at being in a relationship...basically, it was heading in the same direction that my marriage had.
So...about 2 months ago I met T. We have been dating for that time, and only last week took it to a new level. So it has been a nice, slow process of actually getting to know each other. He is 36, has two children that he spends alot of time with, has a stable job, does not live at home with mum and dad, and shares alot of my values and principles. I enjoy talking to him, and listening to him talk. He is a working man, so has a few rough edges, but I actually like that. He has a good work ethic, a good attitude about his kids, and a positive outlook on life. He is an ex-alcoholic, but has attended two years of AA and counselling and is comfortable with where he is at now (it's been about 3yrs since he sorted his stuff out). He had some shit happen in his childhood that he dealt with and now he enjoys a beer for the sake of a beer, rather than as a tool to drown memories. Should I be concerned that he still drinks? We have discussed it. He is very open and up front with me, because that is how he likes it, and from the stories he has told I get the definite impression that his couple of beers an evening are nothing compared to how much he drank before (we watched the movie Pay It Forward, the mother in it has a drinking problem and he told me her behaviour was much the same for him when he was at his worst and trying to quit). I feel ok about it. I am not much of a drinker myself and when I visit him at his house I head for the kettle rather than the fridge. Since this relationship is a slow process I will have time to get to know him and his habits better. He gets on fine with my kids, and I with his, we have had a few 'family' meet ups and our kids got on fine. He's not Prince Charming, but I met that guy and he was a dick, so the side-kick will do me just fine :-)
Mum is still alive and seems to have a new lease on life. She had a boyfriend for a while, but he has recently moved away for work, so I'm not sure how that is going to end up. She has been back outside pottering in her garden again, which is wonderful to see, and she has quilts on the go and one that she completed recently that won her prizes at a quilt show. All good things.
Oh...derby...well...that calf issue I was having is Shin Splints, and it got to the point where I was in tears from the pain at every training session. So I have eased off on the skating alot. I am still involved in other ways, but not bouting. I attend training twice a week, only skate for one of those sessions, and last about an hour before my body has had enough. It is disappointing and had me heartbroken for a bit, but I am better now and finding a new place for myself within the league. Unfortunately the lack of exercise means my weight is creeping up and I am hovering close to three digits again (kept it off for nearly two years tho, yay me). I am struggling to bring my eating under control. Looks like I need to head back to Weight Watchers again.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Time slips on by
and I don't even notice. Too busy to notice. I have logged into the blog a few times in the last six weeks and then got sidetracked and ran out of time to actually write.
hmmm...where to begin?
Work - my old government job called me and asked me to come and temp for them for six weeks. Timing could not have been better as I was sliding further into debt. Now I can crawl back out again :) So I have work till the end of this month at least. Still doing the catalogue drops, I actually like the 2hr walk (I sometimes run between letterboxes which gets a good sweat going). The pay is crap but I will need it when the temping finishes.
Uni - Loving it!!!! Loving the subjects that make me question my own parenting style and the way I look at children. Loving studying the history of Australia. Loving talking to other students about what we think. I am confident about my ability to research and write a decent essay so that takes a bit of the pressure off that other first years are experiencing.
Derby...hmmm...work and uni and kids are taking their toll on my energy and I have stepped back from derby a bit. Not skating as often, still going to training tho. I figure when work eases off I can pick back up again. Bought a skipping rope today to help strengthen my legs, particularly my calves as they are giving me a bit of grief at skating at the moment.
Kids - Toddler is lovely. No.2 is eating me out off house and home and nicking food when he has been told he can't have it. And yet he does not eat his lunch at school. I might have to phone the school and find out what he is doing during lunch that gives him no time to eat. Teen....meh...he can be a pain sometimes. But then again, not. He's handling the multiple hospital visits that we have had in the search to find out what is going on with his leg. He is somewhat helpful around the house. He is just so mean to No.2. Makes me so sad. I have no idea if it will ever change. I do understand that they are different personalities and that clashes will occur, but I just hate how rude/nasty he can be towards No.2.
Love...well....D is back in my life again. Not sure for how long or to what extent. We caught up the other day and spent hours talking about anything and everything and it was like there had never been a break. The connection we seem to have scares me. Letting him back in scares me.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
So we shall see.
Oh! My ex's girlfriend of 4 months is pregnant. How could he be so stupid? That was my first thought when he told me. Apparently it was a contraception issue (oh, really? What a surprise). I asked him when she was moving in and he quite adamantly said 'She's not'. I wonder how that mess is going to sort itself out.
What else....nope, think that is pretty much it :)
hmmm...where to begin?
Work - my old government job called me and asked me to come and temp for them for six weeks. Timing could not have been better as I was sliding further into debt. Now I can crawl back out again :) So I have work till the end of this month at least. Still doing the catalogue drops, I actually like the 2hr walk (I sometimes run between letterboxes which gets a good sweat going). The pay is crap but I will need it when the temping finishes.
Uni - Loving it!!!! Loving the subjects that make me question my own parenting style and the way I look at children. Loving studying the history of Australia. Loving talking to other students about what we think. I am confident about my ability to research and write a decent essay so that takes a bit of the pressure off that other first years are experiencing.
Derby...hmmm...work and uni and kids are taking their toll on my energy and I have stepped back from derby a bit. Not skating as often, still going to training tho. I figure when work eases off I can pick back up again. Bought a skipping rope today to help strengthen my legs, particularly my calves as they are giving me a bit of grief at skating at the moment.
Kids - Toddler is lovely. No.2 is eating me out off house and home and nicking food when he has been told he can't have it. And yet he does not eat his lunch at school. I might have to phone the school and find out what he is doing during lunch that gives him no time to eat. Teen....meh...he can be a pain sometimes. But then again, not. He's handling the multiple hospital visits that we have had in the search to find out what is going on with his leg. He is somewhat helpful around the house. He is just so mean to No.2. Makes me so sad. I have no idea if it will ever change. I do understand that they are different personalities and that clashes will occur, but I just hate how rude/nasty he can be towards No.2.
Love...well....D is back in my life again. Not sure for how long or to what extent. We caught up the other day and spent hours talking about anything and everything and it was like there had never been a break. The connection we seem to have scares me. Letting him back in scares me.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
So we shall see.
Oh! My ex's girlfriend of 4 months is pregnant. How could he be so stupid? That was my first thought when he told me. Apparently it was a contraception issue (oh, really? What a surprise). I asked him when she was moving in and he quite adamantly said 'She's not'. I wonder how that mess is going to sort itself out.
What else....nope, think that is pretty much it :)
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