Today's word for the day...numb. I wish I felt numb.
Ridiculous really, that I should be feeling pitiful, when it is my mum that is suffering. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to make peace with her. Goddamn we had some tough years, but I grew up, and she mellowed a bit, and we were able to find something to create a relationship out of.
F*** it.
I am not ready to lose my mum yet. Is any child ever ready to lose a parent?
Someone once said to me that it is better to lose a parent than a child. Having experienced what it is to lose a child, I guess I can see their point. At least you know your parent has lived a full life, whereas a child who dies young misses that opportunity, and you miss the opportunity of watching them grow and discovering who they are as a person.
I still say F*** it.
What brought this on?
Mum saw her specialist today, to get the results from tests done last week. The news was not good. She now has an aortic dissection on the left side, although it is not yet as severe as the one on the right. On the right side the severity of the dissection is the same, but the damage is spreading into the femoral artery and is also seriously affecting the right kidney. The specialist told her to just keep resting, avoid stress, and enjoy the life that she has. If the femoral artery gets further damage and splits...that's it. The end. Even if she makes it to the hospital in time to have surgery, she is not likely to make it off the table.
Guess the original hoped for ten years just got moved back a WHOLE lot. It's only been 3 1/2 months since the original dissection occurred and the fact that further damage has occurred is not what the specialist wanted to see.
Hence me feeling pitiful.
F*** it.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
There is a twist at every turn
Every Monday I take time to read Postsecret. Sometimes there is a secret there that particularly speaks to me. Today there were one.
It has a picture of a graph on it that shows the line peaking in the middle, then steadily dropping towards the right. Up the side reads 'age', and along the bottom 'chances of finding my true love and soulmate'. The secret states - "I'm sooooo afraid I've missed all my chances...and will end up alone and lonely".
I wonder about this, but slightly differently. I believe I once found my soul mate and I believe that we will never be together as a couple. My wondering is more along the lines of - do we only get a brief window of time to find someone to settle down with before it all becomes too hard to even try?
I have had two long term relationships. The first began when I was 13 and lasted 4 yrs, the second was when I was 21 and lasted 9 yrs. It seems my window was between the ages of 13 and about 27yrs, simply because now I feel like a long term relationship just asks too much of me.
I think people are also affected by their life paths. I have focused on matters which have taken me away from social scenes and as such feel like I have not had the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. Meeting people is what creates the opportunities to find someone to settle down with.
I resorted to online dating, with some success, but it is not an ideal way to meet someone. I chose that method because I did not have the time or energy to pursue extra-curricular activities. Now...now I know that not having that time or energy affects my ability and desire to have a full-time relationship with someone.
I do not really want to end up alone and lonely. I guess it is all about perspective. If I have a cat, will I be lonely? If I have grandchildren who come visit, will I be lonely? Will the empty house echo back at me and make me feel lonely? Will I fill my life with activities and people that will enable me to enjoy the peaceful haven that my home is for me?
I like that the future is unknown. I feel like I am on a journey that has a myriad of twists and turns, and even the bad brings with it some good.
work...a week ago today my two colleagues and I, who were to be out of a job as of today, were offered another month's employment. I actually spent two days considering the offer before saying 'yes'. At least I have some money coming in while I look for other work. I have applied for two jobs so far.
My best friend had a miscarriage last Thursday. She has two healthy boys, this was her first loss. She sounds ok over the phone, a bit disappointed more than anything. I am sure there is another bubba for her in the future.
I have come to the decision that there will be no more bubba's for me. I am enjoying watching my boys grow and finding that I do not have baby lust at all any more. I do not envy the parents their sleepless nights, lol. I do look forward to being a nanna in ten years or so.
It has a picture of a graph on it that shows the line peaking in the middle, then steadily dropping towards the right. Up the side reads 'age', and along the bottom 'chances of finding my true love and soulmate'. The secret states - "I'm sooooo afraid I've missed all my chances...and will end up alone and lonely".
I wonder about this, but slightly differently. I believe I once found my soul mate and I believe that we will never be together as a couple. My wondering is more along the lines of - do we only get a brief window of time to find someone to settle down with before it all becomes too hard to even try?
I have had two long term relationships. The first began when I was 13 and lasted 4 yrs, the second was when I was 21 and lasted 9 yrs. It seems my window was between the ages of 13 and about 27yrs, simply because now I feel like a long term relationship just asks too much of me.
I think people are also affected by their life paths. I have focused on matters which have taken me away from social scenes and as such feel like I have not had the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. Meeting people is what creates the opportunities to find someone to settle down with.
I resorted to online dating, with some success, but it is not an ideal way to meet someone. I chose that method because I did not have the time or energy to pursue extra-curricular activities. Now...now I know that not having that time or energy affects my ability and desire to have a full-time relationship with someone.
I do not really want to end up alone and lonely. I guess it is all about perspective. If I have a cat, will I be lonely? If I have grandchildren who come visit, will I be lonely? Will the empty house echo back at me and make me feel lonely? Will I fill my life with activities and people that will enable me to enjoy the peaceful haven that my home is for me?
I like that the future is unknown. I feel like I am on a journey that has a myriad of twists and turns, and even the bad brings with it some good.
work...a week ago today my two colleagues and I, who were to be out of a job as of today, were offered another month's employment. I actually spent two days considering the offer before saying 'yes'. At least I have some money coming in while I look for other work. I have applied for two jobs so far.
My best friend had a miscarriage last Thursday. She has two healthy boys, this was her first loss. She sounds ok over the phone, a bit disappointed more than anything. I am sure there is another bubba for her in the future.
I have come to the decision that there will be no more bubba's for me. I am enjoying watching my boys grow and finding that I do not have baby lust at all any more. I do not envy the parents their sleepless nights, lol. I do look forward to being a nanna in ten years or so.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Moving right along....
My apologies for being absent for so long.
You may recall this post from June. Well, unfortunately I never became smitten, nor did I swoon, and even worse (in my opinion), I did not lust.
D2 is a lovely guy. He wanted to treat me like a princess. He wanted to spend alot of time with me, and with my boys. He wanted to make sure I knew how he felt, by telling me at least 10 times a day (hang on, let me think...5 texts in the 40 mins it took me to get to work, 2 texts by morning tea, at least 1 by lunch, two more by the time I left work, and then 3 or 4 before bed time...hmm that adds up to 13ish...every weekday). He wanted to talk constantly about how badly he was treated by his ex, and how incredibly lovely and wonderful and gorgeous I was. He wanted to do things for me to make my life easier, and to watch me doing the things that I do to get through each day. He could not bear to be apart from me.
God that makes me tired reading it. But still, he was/is a lovely guy. He will make someone very happy one day...but not me.
I ended it this Thursday just gone. Lay there in bed with him and said it was over. Told him that after nearly 2 months I still had not developed any feelings for him other than friendship. Told him that it was best if he got his things and went that day. He did not cry (he has in the past, when he thought I was annoyed at him, which I was, and the crying did not help), he did not cry then, but he was unhappy.
I felt relief.
The realisation that I must end it had come to me the day before, Wednesday. D2 had met me for lunch at my work (he would have done this every day if I had allowed it) and we discussed various things to do with his house and work and ex. Then he pointed out that now that I would no longer be working (more about that shortly) we could go for walks together and spend alot more time together. When I heard that the thought crossed my mind that I could not think of anything worse than spending MORE time with him (I was seeing him most days and every weekend). I spent the afternoon and evening considering that thought and realised that I had to end it and sooner rather than later. If I felt that way after 7 or so weeks then there was no future for us.
So Thursday morning it was.
He is mostly out of my life. He is keen to stay friends but I am keeping my distance at the moment. He texts me now and then through the day and sometimes I answer, and sometimes I don't.
Work...
do you recall that I was on a three month contract. Well, me and 3 others in our team were in the same position. Turns out that E-Services only got funding for one more permanent position, and I did not get it (the best man won and all that). So 3 of us are now out of a job as of 24th August.
I actually don't care too much. I was stressing about how I was going to pay my rent, but then I got my tax return and so I put most of that towards rent. That way I have at least a month to either get part-time work, or get a handle on my finances. I only want part-time work, I am concerned about mum's health and keen to be around a bit more for the kids, plus it would give me time to keep on top of house work and such like. Anyway, I am just chilling now and feeling fine about life at the moment.
Toddler, my baby, turns 3 tomorrow. He is such an awesome little bloke. We have just started toilet training and I feel quite positive about it. He loves to sing and dance and read and he makes me smile and laugh every single day.
Teen is...a teen, lol. He wants to sleep all day and stay up all night, he smells and he is awful to No.2. But he is good to me, he still hugs and kisses me, and we get on quite well most of the time.
No.2....hmmm...bit challenging at the moment, but I recall that Teen was the same at the same age. Still doing well at school and is getting more interested in reading.
We all have push bikes now (other than Toddler, who will double with me), so in the near future we are going riding. Could be a good experience...or not, lol.
You may recall this post from June. Well, unfortunately I never became smitten, nor did I swoon, and even worse (in my opinion), I did not lust.
D2 is a lovely guy. He wanted to treat me like a princess. He wanted to spend alot of time with me, and with my boys. He wanted to make sure I knew how he felt, by telling me at least 10 times a day (hang on, let me think...5 texts in the 40 mins it took me to get to work, 2 texts by morning tea, at least 1 by lunch, two more by the time I left work, and then 3 or 4 before bed time...hmm that adds up to 13ish...every weekday). He wanted to talk constantly about how badly he was treated by his ex, and how incredibly lovely and wonderful and gorgeous I was. He wanted to do things for me to make my life easier, and to watch me doing the things that I do to get through each day. He could not bear to be apart from me.
God that makes me tired reading it. But still, he was/is a lovely guy. He will make someone very happy one day...but not me.
I ended it this Thursday just gone. Lay there in bed with him and said it was over. Told him that after nearly 2 months I still had not developed any feelings for him other than friendship. Told him that it was best if he got his things and went that day. He did not cry (he has in the past, when he thought I was annoyed at him, which I was, and the crying did not help), he did not cry then, but he was unhappy.
I felt relief.
The realisation that I must end it had come to me the day before, Wednesday. D2 had met me for lunch at my work (he would have done this every day if I had allowed it) and we discussed various things to do with his house and work and ex. Then he pointed out that now that I would no longer be working (more about that shortly) we could go for walks together and spend alot more time together. When I heard that the thought crossed my mind that I could not think of anything worse than spending MORE time with him (I was seeing him most days and every weekend). I spent the afternoon and evening considering that thought and realised that I had to end it and sooner rather than later. If I felt that way after 7 or so weeks then there was no future for us.
So Thursday morning it was.
He is mostly out of my life. He is keen to stay friends but I am keeping my distance at the moment. He texts me now and then through the day and sometimes I answer, and sometimes I don't.
Work...
do you recall that I was on a three month contract. Well, me and 3 others in our team were in the same position. Turns out that E-Services only got funding for one more permanent position, and I did not get it (the best man won and all that). So 3 of us are now out of a job as of 24th August.
I actually don't care too much. I was stressing about how I was going to pay my rent, but then I got my tax return and so I put most of that towards rent. That way I have at least a month to either get part-time work, or get a handle on my finances. I only want part-time work, I am concerned about mum's health and keen to be around a bit more for the kids, plus it would give me time to keep on top of house work and such like. Anyway, I am just chilling now and feeling fine about life at the moment.
Toddler, my baby, turns 3 tomorrow. He is such an awesome little bloke. We have just started toilet training and I feel quite positive about it. He loves to sing and dance and read and he makes me smile and laugh every single day.
Teen is...a teen, lol. He wants to sleep all day and stay up all night, he smells and he is awful to No.2. But he is good to me, he still hugs and kisses me, and we get on quite well most of the time.
No.2....hmmm...bit challenging at the moment, but I recall that Teen was the same at the same age. Still doing well at school and is getting more interested in reading.
We all have push bikes now (other than Toddler, who will double with me), so in the near future we are going riding. Could be a good experience...or not, lol.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
It is a Vivaldi sort of day
When I am not so great I like to listen to Vivaldi.
My head feels messy tonight, for various reasons...
I find myself missing D, yet I cannot figure out why I am missing him as I have had so little to do with him for so long. I do not want to miss him, he does not deserve that attention.
I was irritated this morning, D2 stayed over and followed me around a bit while I was getting myself and the kids ready for work. He has asked me a couple of times about my morning routine and when he asked me again this morning I was a little snappy because I felt like he was trying to know every move I make. I do not want to have to justify how I organise my mornings, or timetable what I do in the morning, for anyone.
Work was not so great, we were given a new task that was boring, but necessary. I got feedback for stupid mistakes that were based on lack of knowledge that could have been passed on by our trainers, so that annoyed me too. Was glad to find out I was not the only one making the mistake, but it has created more work for me tomorrow morning. I have fairly high expectations for myself and I guess I need to relax a little about that.
I feel like I want to eat choc and drink wine, then go hide in my room for the rest of the evening. Of course that is not really an option. I have choc, so will indulge, then will complete my housework and mummy stuff and relax with a movie or book.
I am reading New Moon again by Stephenie Meyer. The movie comes out soon and I wanted to refresh my memory of the book. It is actually kind of hard to read because when Bella talks about the intensity of her feelings for Edward I am reminded of how I felt for D. It is a challenge.
I am enjoying spending time with D2. It appears that he feels about me the way I felt about D last October/November. D2 is already using the 'L' word and talking about missing me when he does not see me. I cannot even begin to claim to feel the same way, so I refrain from such declarations. I quite happily say that I like him alot and enjoy his company, but I am not in any sort of rush to jump into a full on relationship. He would like to spend every night with me, but no way is that happening any time soon, and this morning is a good example of why I should not rush it. He has met my mum, and he will meet my best friend on Sunday. I would have been quite happy to not see him till Sunday, but I have said he can visit on Thurs. I like the cuddles, lol, and as I have already said, I do like his company.
D2 has to sell his house in the next couple of months to pay out his ex and I can see him possibly pushing to move in when that happens. Well, no, he will not be moving in, certainly not this year and not so soon after meeting him. We have talked about a trip to Fiji in Dec/Jan, this is something I would love to do and so I will see how we are at that stage. Maybe when we come back from that I will know whether I want to live with him.
My head feels messy tonight, for various reasons...
I find myself missing D, yet I cannot figure out why I am missing him as I have had so little to do with him for so long. I do not want to miss him, he does not deserve that attention.
I was irritated this morning, D2 stayed over and followed me around a bit while I was getting myself and the kids ready for work. He has asked me a couple of times about my morning routine and when he asked me again this morning I was a little snappy because I felt like he was trying to know every move I make. I do not want to have to justify how I organise my mornings, or timetable what I do in the morning, for anyone.
Work was not so great, we were given a new task that was boring, but necessary. I got feedback for stupid mistakes that were based on lack of knowledge that could have been passed on by our trainers, so that annoyed me too. Was glad to find out I was not the only one making the mistake, but it has created more work for me tomorrow morning. I have fairly high expectations for myself and I guess I need to relax a little about that.
I feel like I want to eat choc and drink wine, then go hide in my room for the rest of the evening. Of course that is not really an option. I have choc, so will indulge, then will complete my housework and mummy stuff and relax with a movie or book.
I am reading New Moon again by Stephenie Meyer. The movie comes out soon and I wanted to refresh my memory of the book. It is actually kind of hard to read because when Bella talks about the intensity of her feelings for Edward I am reminded of how I felt for D. It is a challenge.
I am enjoying spending time with D2. It appears that he feels about me the way I felt about D last October/November. D2 is already using the 'L' word and talking about missing me when he does not see me. I cannot even begin to claim to feel the same way, so I refrain from such declarations. I quite happily say that I like him alot and enjoy his company, but I am not in any sort of rush to jump into a full on relationship. He would like to spend every night with me, but no way is that happening any time soon, and this morning is a good example of why I should not rush it. He has met my mum, and he will meet my best friend on Sunday. I would have been quite happy to not see him till Sunday, but I have said he can visit on Thurs. I like the cuddles, lol, and as I have already said, I do like his company.
D2 has to sell his house in the next couple of months to pay out his ex and I can see him possibly pushing to move in when that happens. Well, no, he will not be moving in, certainly not this year and not so soon after meeting him. We have talked about a trip to Fiji in Dec/Jan, this is something I would love to do and so I will see how we are at that stage. Maybe when we come back from that I will know whether I want to live with him.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Well, why not, I deserve it!
Have spent quite a few hours with D2 (he has the same initial as the previous guy, diff name tho) now and am find that I don't want to say goodbye, and neither does he. I am enjoying the attention and looking forward to seeing where things with us go.
My ex got back into Sydney on Wednesday, so this weekend I am kid free and loving it. I kind of feel a little guilty saying that, but I need the break and I will be happy to see them tomorrow. Looking forward to next week when my bestest friend and her hubby come to stay, we are going to the Pink concert WOO!!!
No.2 got an awesome school report so I have to think of a way to acknowledge that, maybe go bowling. Still waiting on Teen's report.
I am enjoying work now. The training has been intense and tiring, and is not over yet as we continue to develop our skills on the job. I do not love sitting at a computer for 6 hrs a day, and I really need to watch my eating and exercise or I will put the weight back on. I can see myself doing this job for awhile tho.
My ex got back into Sydney on Wednesday, so this weekend I am kid free and loving it. I kind of feel a little guilty saying that, but I need the break and I will be happy to see them tomorrow. Looking forward to next week when my bestest friend and her hubby come to stay, we are going to the Pink concert WOO!!!
No.2 got an awesome school report so I have to think of a way to acknowledge that, maybe go bowling. Still waiting on Teen's report.
I am enjoying work now. The training has been intense and tiring, and is not over yet as we continue to develop our skills on the job. I do not love sitting at a computer for 6 hrs a day, and I really need to watch my eating and exercise or I will put the weight back on. I can see myself doing this job for awhile tho.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Waiting to see
I met what seems to be a genuinely nice guy today. He is 30, no kids, was in a 9 yr relationship, married for two. Works as a manager at a local supermarket. Has been to Tasmania, QLD, Vietnam and Fiji. Likes fishing, camping and 4wdriving. Is interested in Astronomy. Has a med sized dog called BJ. I like him, enjoyed his company enough to spend 3 hours talking to him and arranged to meet up with him tomorrow night. He is a little taller than me, overweight, has lovely eyes and a nice smile. Seems pretty together and in the same frame of mind as me - life is for living.
I now have new things to add to my 'to do' list
go to Vietnam and Fiji
Snorkelling
Fishing from a boat
Sleeping under the stars
Snuggling on the lounge watching a movie with someone other than my kids
I am not smitten, I am not swooning, and I am not lusting...yet :P
Speaking of all of the above...D
I have not seen him in person for about 3 weeks. I am not bothered by this. I believe he has found himself a girlfriend and I was ready to move on. I realised that I felt like I was in my marriage again - being neglected and feeling more alone in a 'relationship' that when I am not in one. He did not deserve my affection. We have chatted online a couple of times, but as friends now rather than as lovers or anything else. I am comfortable with where things are at now.
Work has finally started to get more interesting and I am looking forward to this week as we start actually serving customers from Thursday. It is a little exciting and scary at the same time.
I now have new things to add to my 'to do' list
go to Vietnam and Fiji
Snorkelling
Fishing from a boat
Sleeping under the stars
Snuggling on the lounge watching a movie with someone other than my kids
I am not smitten, I am not swooning, and I am not lusting...yet :P
Speaking of all of the above...D
I have not seen him in person for about 3 weeks. I am not bothered by this. I believe he has found himself a girlfriend and I was ready to move on. I realised that I felt like I was in my marriage again - being neglected and feeling more alone in a 'relationship' that when I am not in one. He did not deserve my affection. We have chatted online a couple of times, but as friends now rather than as lovers or anything else. I am comfortable with where things are at now.
Work has finally started to get more interesting and I am looking forward to this week as we start actually serving customers from Thursday. It is a little exciting and scary at the same time.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Week 2
is over. I am feeling good about the job so far. I am part of a brand new team that was created to handle a service that was previously being handled by the call centre division, but which has grown so much it needs it's own team. The 9 of us who are left in the training room (the other 8 have been moved into different areas) will be the team and we are all pretty keen to get started. We have about 2 more weeks of on the job training.
No.2's birthday this weekend.
Oh, had to LOL, D messaged me saying he thought I should let him go, then 24 hrs later messaged me to ask if he could see me. Sounds like exactly what I did a couple of weeks ago. How silly and screwed up are we both?! Saw him, enjoyed his company, and thought nothing of it. Might see him again, might not. Either way, I am back on the dating sites and getting approached by undesirables LOL.
Going out clubbing with my bro's tomorrow night, really looking forward to it. Tried on some clothes last night and ended up with this look...
Not bad hmmm...?
No.2's birthday this weekend.
Oh, had to LOL, D messaged me saying he thought I should let him go, then 24 hrs later messaged me to ask if he could see me. Sounds like exactly what I did a couple of weeks ago. How silly and screwed up are we both?! Saw him, enjoyed his company, and thought nothing of it. Might see him again, might not. Either way, I am back on the dating sites and getting approached by undesirables LOL.
Going out clubbing with my bro's tomorrow night, really looking forward to it. Tried on some clothes last night and ended up with this look...
Not bad hmmm...?
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