hmmm

D got in touch with me briefly tonight. My physical reaction was that I initially felt sick in the stomach (this is normal when I am feeling strong emotions, I haven't been able to eat much for the last week for this very reason, today was the first good day where I felt hungry), then I began getting heart palpitations. Mentally I felt angry. Here is our conversation, albeit it was brief.

12/2/2008		11:21:01 PM		D		Amber		It's late and I don't want to get into it too much right now. But i withdrew because I realised my pipe dreams and promises weren't possible. I am embarrassed, depressed at the state of both my finances and in other areas my life. I don't know how to talk, I've never had anyone to talk to. So what I do is just withdraw into myself. It's safe. I am sorry.
12/2/2008		11:21:26 PM		Amber		D		well i thought together they were possible
12/2/2008		11:21:29 PM		D		Amber		I understand it will fill your mind with endless scenarios but I don't know what to do about it yet.
12/2/2008		11:21:37 PM		Amber		D		i care about you
12/2/2008		11:21:44 PM		Amber		D		that is what i felt was important
12/2/2008		11:22:02 PM		Amber		D		i was hurt that you couldn't talk to me about what was happening for you
12/2/2008		11:22:26 PM		D		Amber		It is important. I like knowing you care and I know you do.
12/2/2008		11:22:49 PM		D		Amber		But until I know I can, without stuffing around 3 kids and you ...... I can't do it.
12/2/2008		11:23:01 PM		D		Amber		I don't know what to do about it.
12/2/2008		11:23:04 PM		Amber		D		ah daz
12/2/2008		11:23:09 PM		Amber		D		you give me no credit
12/2/2008		11:23:13 PM		Amber		D		and the dreams were yours
12/2/2008		11:23:23 PM		Amber		D		but not ours
12/2/2008		11:23:36 PM		Amber		D		we could have talked about OUR dreams
12/2/2008		11:24:01 PM		Amber		D		yes to the house and the car and whatever, but we could have adapted them to suit US better
12/2/2008		11:24:23 PM		Amber		D		you had it set in your head that it HAD to be a particular way
12/2/2008		11:24:37 PM		D		Amber		I need to get to bed.
12/2/2008		11:25:03 PM		Amber		D		yes
12/2/2008		11:25:06 PM		Amber		D		say hi to nat
12/2/2008		11:25:13 PM		Amber		D		that hurt really bad
12/2/2008		11:25:21 PM		Amber		D		only saw it yesterday
12/2/2008		11:26:16 PM		Amber		D		or sunday night, it was in the last couple of days
12/2/2008		11:26:26 PM		Amber		D		made me question everything you had ever said to me
12/2/2008		11:26:30 PM		Amber		D		and i didn't like that
12/2/2008		11:26:39 PM		Amber		D		i had trusted you implicitly

Just to clarify - I went to look at his Myspace page, I think it was Sunday, and discovered that he had posted himself as being in a relationship with someone called Nat. I laughed initially (because it seemed completely left field and also something he would do if he wanted to hurt someone), but then started wondering if I hadn't just been used after all. It made me very very angry. And the conversation ended there because I think he went offline between 'only saw it yesterday' and 'or sunday night'.

So I am looking forward to seeing what happens next. I am angry at how I have been treated.

Saw the doc today and had my mental health assessed. I am not a fruit loop, lol. But I am depressed, and a reactive depressed like I thought. Seeing the counsellor in two weeks, the doc in three. Doc wants to do blood tests as well to rule out any other stuff. Happy with todays outcome.