Ok, I admit it...

I do miss my big boys. While DS3 is lovely to cuddle, it isn't the same as a wrap around hug from my eldest, or a quick squeeze from DS2. I also miss our nightly routine of goodnights...
Kiss, hug, and tuck in, then (as I walk out the door)...
I love you (me)
I love you too (DS1 or 2)
I love you three (me)
I love you four (DS)
I love you more (me)
No, I love you more (DS)
Nah ah, I love YOU more! (me)....
and so on until I say 'that's enough, go to sleep!' All with a smile and a light feeling in my heart.

I found this entertaining post from another blog I visit and thought 'gee, what an original kid she has'.

Sweet dreams

Photos

This is me in my Elmo PJ's in the staffroom...


And this is myself and Jennifer singing Rock-a-bye your Bear, that's Matt in the foreground...

A little quieter

Well, my older two are now safely depostied at my mothers. I am sure they will enjoy themselves and I hope that they will be happy to see me next Saturday.

Today was a 'me' day. These days are VERY rare, as usually I am working or cleaning house, and while i might get an hour 'me' time here and there, it is not like having a whole day stretching before me filled with numerous possibilities. Some of my day was mapped out for me, I had a doctors appointment and I had to pop into work for ten minutes.

After dropping DS3 off at day care I headed up to Spotlight - large fabric superstore. We have very little in the way of fabric stores in my local area so this was the place of choice. I was after some lining for a shirt I am making for a wedding in August, this was easy to find, so I was in and out in 20 minutes. Then dropped into work. Then I was free for a while!

I went and had two inches chopped off my hair, so it is back to sitting just above my collar. The feeling of having my hair washed was divine. Then off to the video store to check out the latest offerings. I had thought I might see a movie at the cinemas, but decided that I really couldn't be bothered wasting 2 hours in the shopping centre and paying a ridiculous amount for a movie I might not like. So video store instead. I hired 'Jumper' and 'Alien vs Predator 2: Requiem'. Now, I am a romance kind of girl usually, but there was just nothing that appealed to me, and these were ones I had been wanting to see for a while.

So home I went, put 'Jumper' on and set up to cut out the shirt I am making. I am using a beautiful grey silk chiffon and lining it with the stuff I bought today. I enjoyed 'Jumper' but felt there were some odd gaps in the story. I think I will go and read the book now. I am saving AvP2 for tonight.

Then back out to see the doctor. I am now on strong antibiotics for what he has diagnosed as Bronchitis (he did this by only looking at my throat and hearing me cough! Amazing powers of deduction). We discussed the tingling I have been getting in my ring finger and he decided to refer me to a neurologist to see if there has been nerve damage of some sort. In the meantime I am keeping a closer eye on when the tingling gets worse (when I am driving an use that arm, when I am carrying something, when I have my hand bag on that shoulder, just for starters).

Home again to complete the cutting of the shirt and then jumped on to the computer for an hour to catch up. Which is where you find me now! I am about to go and collect DS3 from daycare, it will be nice to have him home in the day light.

I chatted to my best friend last night. She is struggling a little with her new baby. I wish I had taken my holiday now, rather than at the birth, as now is when she could use the help. Although, with three kids tagging along I am not sure I would have been much help. Anyway, I encouraged her to seek assistance from Tresillian and she will hopefully do that. I opened up with her a little and discussed DH with her. I generally keep things to myself, and write on here, but I just wanted to share with a physical being. She was supportive and I appreciated her taking time to hear me.

I only have a couple of people I call my 'friend', the one I spoke to last night, and another who I have neglected badly, yet she still counts me as one of her two best friends. When she told me this I was ashamed, because I haven't been a good friend to her, and I said that I didn't deserve to be regarded so highly. She brushed me off, but it makes me realise that my perception of a relationship isn't necessarily the same as someone elses, and that I need to give the right people more time. I feel blessed to have the friends that I do.

Spending time with mum yesterday was nice. While driving home I mused on the fact that I feel I am more like my mother than I ever thought I might be. I remember denying the similarities countless times to my ex partner and my DH, simply because at the time I did not want to be like her. Now that my relationship with my mother has developed and matured I am not so bothered by that comparison. She has some admirable qualities (and some not so admirable, but aren't we human after all?). But I find our lives running strangely parallel - she has raised three boys alone, still has two at home, and I am pratically doing that now. She subscribes to a simpler life in some ways, she believes in independence and being self-sufficient and she has always made do with what she has. She has always been a hard worker. I know she is proud of me, I can hear it in her voice, it's all I ever wanted from her - to know that she was proud of me. Perhaps if/when DH and I separate then maybe she will be a little sad, it is doubtful that I will stay in this city due to living costs, but I think that with the skills I have that maybe finding work won't be so hard (even if I decide to take a break for a couple of years).

I am off to get my lovely DS3 now. Today he didn't cry at all!!!!

...had issues posting this so I am adding to it now (2 hrs later) and will hope it posts this time!

I decided today was the day I would pop back to DS3's previous daycare to say 'Hi'. I wanted to see if I missed them, or if DS3 missed them. No, we didn't. It was nice to visit, but I was glad he wasn't going there any more, and he was happy to say 'hi' and have a cuddle and a little play with his old mates, but he was just as happy to leave too. I feel more secure in the decision I made. I also can't get over how much less fuel I am using! Instead of going through a tank a week I am going through just over half! Very pleased about that.

A bit of fun

We had a PJ's and Stories session at work last night. While we only had 5 kids there it was a good practice run. I want to do it again in October when we have 'Fairytale Month' (one of my brilliant ideas, lol). This time we did a feltboard story, a stick puppet story, and a book. We sang sleepytime songs like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I will do alot more promotion for the next one, and maybe have it in the morning instead of at night so that we can invite a couple of kindy's to come along as well. I have photo's at work (thanks to DS1 who was our camera man), I will post them in the next day or so. I wore Elmo pj's and had my hair in pigtails, lol, it was fun.

The children's area was messy again yesterday and today, last night I had to rush around cleaning it up before our storytime. SO annoying.

Work was quite good today. I had a bookseller come and she had such a huge range, I was quite impressed. She normally sells to schools so the non-fiction is very suited to the current primary school curriculum. I enjoyed going through the fiction and picture books and seeing what is being produced at the moment.

Tax time again. I started doing it last night, then realised I needed DH's income to complete mine. I don't think I will get much back anyway, but I like to get it out of the way early.

DS3 didn't cry too much this morning, even though there was a few different faces in the baby room. He is two years old in a month!

When my mum and I get on the phone we have a good old yarn about various things, like patchwork (she is an award winning quilt artist), and boys (I have two brothers still at home) and work. Mum is qualified in aged care and she has an elderly man she takes care of in her home, so we spent some time tonight discussing him. He has a difficult personality and is quite demanding. I worry for her health because she becomes quite stressed when he has had a bad day. I admire her for taking care of him, and I know she does not shirk her duties, but he can be very challenging. He is 99 years old and physically quite healthy, which is wonderful for him, but mentally he is in the early stages of dementia. I am glad she can vent to me about him, it gives her some release.

My cough has developed a bit and I can now feel it in my chest. I have an appointment on Monday to see the doctor.

Ups and Downs

I really needed to do some singing and dancing when I came home today. It is guaranteed to make me feel better.

Work was good until I came off my desk shift this afternoon to discover that some child/ren had trashed the children's area. There were books all over the floor, mixed in with the blocks, and books on some of the shelves had been pushed over. It made me want to cry, but that is pointless, so instead I stomped around the children's area tidying up and putting books away. I just don't understand how parents can allow their children to make this kind of mess and do nothing about it. School holidays are worse because there are kids around all day instead of just the afternoon. Maybe I just need to get more vigilant, except then I feel like the big bad shushing librarian, lol.

On a positive note, I had another parent tell me how much they appreciate the Rhymetime sessions and how much they missed me when I was away. I can't imagine that it is my poor voice that makes such an impression, maybe it is my enthusiasm, the fact that I sing to the kids and look at them when I do it, and that I have kids of my own. Also, I am passionate about children enjoying the library (but not making a mess of it!) so I read ALOT of children's and Young Adult books so that I can recommend them and talk about them. I enjoy children's literature and generally I enjoy children.

I love my Tupperware Baking Forms. I am baking a cake right now and the recipe says bake in moderate oven for 40 mins, but after 20 mins my cake is done. I am using the Slice Form, I sprinkle a bit of water over the base before I put in the cake mix, then pop it into the middle of the oven. Even though it is silicone I don't need a tray underneath as it holds its form well, and more so when the cake is cooked. I also have the muffin forms. It is a good idea to put patty cake trays in the base, as they still tend to stick a little there. They are easy to clean. There is a new colour range out now, pumpkin orange, and brown! Interesting choices for colour. I have seen some of other countries' range and I like alot of the things that we can't even get here. I guess the departments must decide what appeals to the primary market.

DS3 only squawked a little when I left him at day care today. He was a bit sad when I picked him up, he had jammed his hand in a door, but was getting lots of cuddles and an ice pack so was pretty cosy. He has a favourite staff person named Susie, he now asks for her if she is not there when he arrives.

It isn't often that I indulge in a 'what if...' session, but I did briefly today. I have few regrets in my life, the main one being that I went to the tacky city for a holiday instead of going to NZ, but I am hoping to change that by actually going to NZ. Even some of the not so nice parts of my life I would do again, simply because they helped to make me the person I am today. But I was 'what if' I did this, or did that, or lost this, or found that. Then I stopped because 'what if' really serves no purpose. I like to remind myself, now and then, that God only gives you what he knows you can handle, even though you may think it is too much or too hard. Sometimes it turns out to be a blessing, and, more often than not, it is character building.

Lots of photos and blessings

Sometimes it is hard to think of a title for my post before I have written it, so at the moment the space is blank. I am sure that will change by the time you actually read this.

We are now the proud owners of new shoes and a worm farm. We visited an enormous shoe warehouse last weekend and I was able to supply the older boys with home AND school shoes within my budgeted amount, YAY. We also visited a big nursery and discovered worms for much less than a competitors price and so splurged on a worm farm as well.


We spent the afternoon setting up the worm farm. DS3 taste tested the coconut fibre bedding that the worms would be living in, he wasn't impressed.
But he was very helpful getting it all watered and ready...

...and then was quite intrigued by the little wrigglers.


I made lame jokes about how the boys can go to school and say 'We have worms', I thought I was hilarious. Here is the finished product sitting in it's pride of place...


I believe God truly blessed me with my children. They are my pain and my joy, my anger and my happiness. I am grateful to have them in my life. I love that my 12yr old is still happy to kiss me goodbye in public, that he never screws up his face, that it seems as important to him as it is to me. I love how funny he is!

I love that my 8yr old is inquisitive and inventive. I love that he has a sweet giggle and that he tolerates my need for a hug and kiss now and then.

I thank god every day for the sunshine that is my nearly two year old. Even when the clouds pass over his face he makes my heart smile.


On the other hand...lol, lame joke, giggle...my ring finger on my left hands often tingles and my arm goes numb at night time. I have noticed some muscle weakness. My right hand aches in the lower center of my palm and feels tight. I wonder if I have carpal tunnel. It is possible, I do alot of typing, knitting, sewing, reading, all activities that require the use of my wrists and fingers. It is quite uncomfortable and sometimes very distracting. One of the main treatments is changing the way activities are done. I will have to think about that, because it is a bit hard to change any of my usual activities. Maybe simply taking lots of breaks, by changing what I am doing, will help. I need to see a doctor and discuss my concerns.

DH has been ringing nearly every day. It makes for strained conversation, because there is only so much I can say about work and kids before it all starts to sound the same. I was amazed to hear that he has spent most of his days off the ship at the movies. I mean, seriously, he is in another country, and he goes to the movies?! Oh, and eats Hungry Jacks (Burger King) and MacDonald's!!!! What can I say? I have an itinerary for my trip to NZ that includes all sorts of exciting NZ experiences. No way will you find me sitting in the movies when I could be out rafting or trekking through rainforests.

Oh well, what did I expect?

With DH away it has been easy to forget how upset I have been in the past. But it doesn't take much to bring it back, such as looking at the diaries, or even just having a simple phone conversation.

He called tonight and for once we were able to talk for more than six minutes. I asked him to tell me a bit about the country he is visiting and all he could say was that it is like any other country. Umm, well, I have no real personal experience of visiting 'any other country' and particularly not a Middle Eastern one, so I would have liked to hear about the foods and the markets and the smells and the transport, etc, etc. Nope. Got nothing. So I got off the phone feeling incredibly unsatisfied and feeling like I had done most of the talking because if I don't then nothing gets said or he asks another question about the kids. We really don't have much to say to each other. This trip is a perfect opportunity for us to chat about differences between countries, to share thoughts and ideas and for me to be amazed by what he is seeing. Nope, not going to happen. Let's just stick to safe subjects, like the kids.

I had told DH a couple of days ago, in an email, about the break ins and he had been told more by a colleague whose wife also lives locally. I mentioned a couple of times in the emails that I was a little freaked out by it all. Tonight he didn't ask me how I was, I wanted to tell him how I couldn't sleep because I was so scared, but the moment never really came. I am scared. I went around last night making sure all the doors and windows were locked and even locked the screen doors from the inside which I don't normally do.

I have kept my depression at bay for the last few weeks, but I can feel it sneaking up on me again. It is not helped by the fact that I feel ill and that DS3 isn't settling into daycare too well. Apparently he had a better day today, but he yelled when I left and the girls said he had been watching the door for me from about 5pm (I got there at 5.30pm). I think I am going to go straight to him after work instead of stopping at the shops to get milk and bread.

A friend of mine announced she is having a baby girl in December. I don't envy her the girl, but I do envy her the baby. I was chatting to a mum at one of my sessions recently and we were talking about baby milestones. I was remembering how the first few weeks with DS3 were tough, as we got used to him and he got used to the world and I was so overcome with desire for another baby that it shook me a little. When my kidlets are a bit older I would like to look at fostering. Sometimes I think about doing child care from home on a small scale, it is an option for the future.