Some days you gotta dance

Working on my fitness again

2011-11-19T13:11:00.003+11:00

April 7th my measurements were...

Bust 113

Waist 108

Hips 122

Thighs 64

Arms 38

Today

Bust 114

Waist 110

Hips 126

Thighs 66

Arms 40

hmmm, that's a little more disappointing than I had hoped.

At the end of Jan this yr my measurements were

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

So I am still less than what I was then and that is a definite positive. Well, I am back to working on my health and fitness. Not eating as best I could, but going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week and have started the C25K again. Actually, I am just up to week 4 of the C25K, and am doing ok. Struggled a little today.

Still dating my fireman :-) it will be 5 months next week. We talk most days and I see him about once a fortnight. He is having major issues with his ex, it's causing him quite a bit of stress, but I just stay out of it. Shit could hit the fan next week as he and I are supposed to be going to Melbourne for a couple days over the weekend, and he hasn't told his ex that he won't be able to have his son. She doesn't know about me yet as it will only complicate matters further. Not sure what I would do if he backs out of going.

Mentally I am mostly ok. I have good days and bad days. The bad days have some link to my level of tiredness, I try to get a reasonable nights sleep but am often unsuccessful. On bad days I want to stay at home and sit.

Baby steps

2011-09-14T21:53:00.002+10:00

I self analyse a lot. I do it less than I did before the meds, but I still do it.

So I was driving along in my car the other day, thinking about what I was like before the meds and something occurred to me....

If I had got help 4yrs ago, if I had been willing to go onto medication then or even way back 10 yrs ago when I miscarried and fell into depression for the first time, I may still be married to my husband today.

Yes, you read that right. I feel that my depression was actually what killed us once and for all. I remember how incredibly miserable I was, how irrational, how I felt there was no future etc etc. Now that I know what my head feels like when I am not in the throes of severe depression, I realise that my irrationality played a very significant role in my belief that there was no option but to walk away.

This makes me sad. It's not something I could ever tell my ex, or my current partner. I am seeing my bestie soon and I think I shall chat to her about it. I mentioned it to the Psych, and she seemed to agree.

I discussed past relationships with my Psych last week, and as a result had a bad couple of days. Discussing D was distressing and left me unsettled. That and the realisation about my marriage meant that I was not feeling so great about things. It affected my ability to chat to my humble hero when he phoned the next night and I actually cut our conversation really short and got off the phone. He thought I was upset with him, but we had a big chat about it the next day when I was feeling better and we got it sorted.

Swimming upwards

2011-08-26T18:23:00.002+10:00

though sometimes it feels like I am swimming through mud.

Been on meds for 3mths already. It's gone so quick. I see my therapist fortnightly and we are working on my reactions to situations and ways of calming myself down. I am yet to talk to her about D. Thinking about talking about him causes me pain.

I have good days and not so good days. I have great mornings and then am wiped out and down in the afternoon. Such a mix of days. Overall I feel I have improved.

Have put some weight back on, primarily because I haven't been to the gym in two months and haven't skated in 3.

I actually got to the stage where I had handed in my resignation as Treasurer to the league, when one of the girls called me and begged me to come and help her do money stuff at our first bout of the season. I was antsy about it, but got in the car and arrived. I had to sit in the car for about ten minutes and deep breathe so that I could get out and go catch up with everyone.

I was scared that I would get bombarded with 'where have you been' and 'when are you coming back' kind of questions, but thankfully no one did (probably because they were all too busy). I kept a low profile through out the game.

By the end of it I realised that I missed derby a lot. I missed skating, missed the camaraderie, missed the atmosphere. I also realised that I can play a less active role at bouts, because there are plenty of others to do the jobs that I used to think only I could supervise or do. Now I know that the girls on the door will be fine, Security will be fine, the Bar will be fine...etc. I resented so much of the workload that I took upon myself, when in actual fact I did not have to. Now I know that if I want to participate in a bout, I can, and not have to worry about money stuff while I am doing it. I feel like I created much of the stress for myself.

I am quitting uni. I don't want to be a Primary Teacher badly enough to commit another 4 yrs to it. Instead I am going to TAFE (a Technical College) and doing a Cert 3 in Childrens Services. This will allow me to work with 0-5yr olds, the ages I really enjoy. It's a lighter workload and can be done at my own pace. I think it is a good decision.

With all that has happened you would think that finding love would not be possible, but it is, and it did. Two months ago I met the loveliest guy I have ever known. He makes me laugh, he brought colour to my grey life. He calls me on days when we don't see each other, he opens doors for me (and gets a kiss for his trouble :-)), pays for our dates, and thinks I am wonderful. He doesn't smother me, but he doesn't forget me either. I feel treasured and cared for. He knows about my depression but is yet to see it in action. He is exactly the person I need in my life.

Please support a fellow derby girl

2011-08-26T18:18:00.002+10:00

to go to Canada to represent Australia in Roller Derby :-)

Rock bottom

2011-07-10T20:43:00.002+10:00

I hit it and I hit it hard.

I was seeing D again (yeh yeh I know, not smart) a couple of months ago, so I was back to sitting around waiting for him to make time to see me. I was working two jobs, juggling derby and uni commitments, and trying to be a good parent.

I ended up a mess.

D broke it off with me, I made mistakes at work and nearly lost both my jobs, I failed another subject at uni, I stopped going to derby and I was failing as a parent (in my eyes).

As hard as it was for me I reached out to a couple of my friends, who have experienced depression and anxiety, and asked for help. They encouraged me to go to the Dr and helped keep me in the Dr's surgery when I was having second thoughts. They made it ok for me to consider going on medication, because I knew that this time I would not be able to pull myself out of the black hole.

I was worn out. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had nothing left.

So to the Dr's I went and sat there in his office and bawled (much to my disgust). Got myself under control and got the ball rolling. That was about 6 weeks ago. I am on medication for my depression and when I visited the Dr recently we decided to increase the dosage as it wasn't quite doing the job it needed to be doing. I also saw a Psych for the first time last week and I have 2 more appointments booked.

The medication has really given me some relief from my brain. I still over-analyse, but now I am not being overwhelmed by the emotions of it all. I now have 'room to breathe'. I still feel, I get cranky/annoyed, I feel happy, I get sad. But now the emotions are rational, rather than irrational. I had felt like I was going mad, like I was out of control.

I didn't know just how stressed I was feeling until I stopped. Now I have discovered that I have anxiety about going back to derby. I wonder if it is because of the long term issues with Shin Splints, or the conflicts that have been going on. I don't know. I just know that at this point in time I do not feel like I can set foot in our venue. I haven't trained in 6 weeks, haven't been to a meeting, haven't given a report. I did catch up on the bookwork to some extent.

I don't know what I will do regarding derby at this stage. I know that I want to step down from my committee position, but need to tie up some loose ends before I do so. I may change to a social member for the next little while, until I feel like I want to start again. But I may not. What is interesting is that I have been so very busy with derby for the last 2 years that I haven't done things that I had hoped to have done by now, like kayaking and rock climbing etc. I also haven't spent as much time with my boys.

Lately I am spending more time just sitting. I had truly forgotten how to relax and even now I have to make myself just sit and watch a movie or chat with the boys, and do nothing else. I think they are enjoying having my full attention. I have played Chess with No.2, Uno with Teen and No.2, and lots of MarioKart on the Wii with Little Boy. I've had fun :-) I've gotten jobs done outside and felt productive again.

I have deferred uni for this next semester. I really lost the plot where uni was concerned. I have seriously considered quitting altogether, however my best friend has told me of another option that I will discuss if I go ahead with it.

When people ask me if I am ok I say no. I say that I am worn out, tired, resting. That I took too much on and now I am paying the price.

I am feeling better about life. I am feeling like I have time to pursue other interests, and to give my kids the time they deserve. I feel like I can be there more for Teen as he navigates these defining years.

I haven't asked for help in more than 15 yrs, so glad I finally did.

New tattoo's..yes, that is a plural!

2011-04-16T22:06:00.006+10:00

I've been pretty sick with gastro these last few days. Got on the scales this morning and discovered I had lost 3 kgs in as many days. Not a weight loss program I want to pursue, but 'wow!' lol. Still struggling to eat properly, but will get there in the next few days.

Have gotten two new tattoos. It's been two years since I got my first and I had been wanting another for a while. The opportunity came and I jumped at it and got my phoenix...

for me this symbolises Faith (in myself), Strength (of character), and Virtue. In Mythology, the Phoenix represents rebirth/renewal. In China it is synonymous with good fortune, opportunity, and luck. The Phoenix is a Yang symbol.

I then got all excited and went and got one on the other thigh.

it's in grey cos it was really swollen and red and not pretty lol. The dragon is a Yin symbol in some cultures and is the male counterpart to the female Phoenix, together they symbolize both conflict and wedded bliss :-)

I'm happy with the artwork. I will probably only get one more tattoo and that won't be for a while. It is to be something that symbolises my love for Australia, at the moment I am thinking something with skates lol.

wtf moments

2011-04-07T18:19:00.003+10:00

But first....

So on the 28th Feb my measurements were

Bust 115 (45)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 124 (49)

Thighs 66 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

and today they were

Bust 113

Waist 108

Hips 122

Thighs 64

Arms 38

Wow, I am impressed, another 7cms :-) I weighed in yesterday and had lost 1.5kg in two weeks :-) had also lost another 0.6% body fat. This is good. Still not getting to the gym to exercise, but have modified my eating and that seems to be making the difference at the moment.

And now to what my title refers to...

I had left Titan as a friend on my Facebook because it felt awkward to delete him. I wish I had, because he would post on my Wall and kept adding friends of mine. I got to the point where enough was enough and made a comment about 'looking forward to dinner' (I was actually looking forward to dinner, but was having it at a derby meeting with a whole group of people). He said 'that's nice, who with?' I replied 'if I had wanted to say who, I would have'. He then texted me to say if I was dating someone he would stop trying to see me

wtf??

I wasn't even aware he was trying to see me. I had certainly never given him any indication that I was interested in seeing him again. I replied 'yes' (yes, I did lie to make him go away), he abused me and that was that. Later I discovered he had deleted me from Facebook. How did I feel? Guess!

relieved

*sigh*

Guess who else messaged me recently (bizarre coincidence)....D

Mum recently commented to me that I would find someone who will sweep me off my feet one day. I replied 'I already did'. She was surprised and said 'who'.

'D'

She just looked at me. Then said 'ok'.

It was pretty freaky that he had got in touch. I don't know what to think at the moment. I'm well aware that I don't want a normal relationship, but I doubt that is what he would be offering. I know that he won't have changed a bit from what he was like two and a half years ago (yep, it's been that long since we met).

hmmm

could be a dangerous path to walk again. Hazardous for my heart

Sighs and lolz and an overuse of '...'

2011-03-23T23:31:00.004+11:00

so...I messaged Titan after our conversation about dinner and told him I really really did not want chicken or steak and could he please find somewhere that suited both of us. He replied about 3hrs later with 'ill c wot i can do', which I translated as 'I'll let you think I am making an effort, but I'm not really cos it's too hard'.

Surprise surprise, we end up at the restaurant of his choosing. Instead of Pasta Carbonara, I had salad and soup. I was under the impression we were going there because he wanted a healthy chicken dish. Instead, he makes a pig of himself with a double serving of cheese fries and a chicken burger smothered in cheese. I tell myself it's important to have a nice time and so I make an effort to chat and be pleasant (how unfortunate that I even have to use the term 'effort').

We then go to the movies where he buys a choc top. He shoves it in my face at one point and says 'Do you want some?' and I said 'no, I don't eat ice cream', which he knows already. We watch the rather average movie (had entertainment value but was an 'America saves the world' type movie) and enjoy bagging it out afterwards.

He announces in the car that he wants to stop off at a servo for a drink on the way home. We have a slight disagreement about the price of fuel. We go to the servo and he disappears inside. He comes out with a drink and two ice creams (yes...more ice cream). He waves one at me and says 'I bought you an ice cream!'.

I look at the ice cream, then look at him and say 'I don't eat ice cream'. Please note, I had mentioned this to him earlier in the night, which would have been about the tenth time since we began dating.

He says 'Oh well, it was two for $5 or 1 for $3.50, so I figured if you don't eat it, I will'

So he's eaten a massive amount of cheese fries, a chicken and cheese hamburger, and an ice cream already and he's on this supposed healthy eating Transformation Program and feels he has the right to criticise me about eating a vegemite sandwich... (I've just had a quick read back through this months posts and realised that I haven't told the vegemite sandwich story...he's over one night after I have worked a five hr cleaning shift. We're talking about food and I tell him all I ate during my shift was an apple and a vegemite sandwich. He then has a go at me for eating a sandwich with butter on it because it is bad for me. This is a man who will sit in front of me and eat an entire pizza, telling me I shouldn't eat a vegemite sandwich with a few scrapes of butter on it. F***ing hypocrite. I got very angry with him).

Back to the ice cream

I said 'so you justified buying yourself two icecreams by saying one was for me?'

Titan 'oh no, I just thought you might want an ice cream.'

wtf

He then starts gorging himself on the first icecream, which he finished before we even left the driveway of the servo. He then immediately opens the second ice cream and begins vacuuming it up...but he pauses and shoves it in my face and says 'you sure you don't want some?'

'I.don't.eat.ice.cream.'

I don't speak again till we get to my place. I take my bro home (he babysat) and come back and start doing dishes.

Titan comes in and asks if I am ok. I say 'no, not really'

'oh, babe, what's wrong?'

'I'm thinking'

'What about?'

'About us'...I was gathering my thoughts and did not want to blurt stuff out, so was keeping sentences short.

'What about us?'

I take a couple of deep breaths, because I know that the ice cream crap is the final straw. I'm not angry, not really anything except certain that this ridiculous relationship should not continue.

'I am thinking that we don't make each other very happy'

'I agree' (I didn't expect him to say this)

'and we fight nearly every time we see or talk to each other, and that's been happening for at least a month of our two months together'

'yep, I agree'

'and this really isn't looking like it will be a long term relationship'

'I agree'

Now, I wish I could remember exactly what was said next, but my mind was whirling so much with him agreeing with all this and apparently making this break up so easy, that I don't seem to have retained what was said. So move on a few minutes and he comes up and gives me a hug and says 'can I still stay over?' so I figure, well what can one last time hurt, he went without a girl in his bed for two years, I may as well give him one last snuggle (I'm serious about the snuggle, totally p.g., no sex involved or asked for).

Now, just to back track a bit, when he came over earlier he had not organised a time for our date. I had to work out when we were eating and seeing a movie. I told Titan I wanted to see an earlier movie because I was really tired, and that I wanted to be home by 10pm.

So by the time I finished washing the dishes and having our odd little conversation (that I took to be our break up), it was 10.30pm and I was exhausted. When I said I wanted to go to bed, he whined. I just said, 'well I am tired and I am going to bed.' And so he did come to bed then.

We lay and chatted for a bit about nothing in particular, then I fell asleep. I had a very crappy night's sleep.

Next day...I get up, realise I need milk for pancakes. Titan asks me to buy him a drink while I'm out, calls me babe. I become confused. I go get the milk, come back and he's all, 'thanks honey' and 'looking forward to your pancakes darling'. Now I am even more confused.

I start making pancakes, and when his are done I call him in. He asks me how I am. I say 'confused'

'Why are you confused babe?'

'You know that conversation we had last night?

'yeh' munch munch munch

'the one about us not being happy and not having a long term relationship and you agreed?'

'yeh' munch munch munch

'well, to me that conversation was us breaking up'

'WHAT?!' (I don't think he spat any pancake out, but he did suddenly lose his appetite. I was standing there gobsmacked that he really had no idea. Sometimes diplomacy and niceness is not very helpful)

'Well, we agreed that we weren't happy and that it didn't look good for a long term relationship'

'Yeh, but I thought we would talk it out and work it out!'

'Um...no. We've been together for two months and been fighting for one of them, how on earth can we have a future when the relationship is already this much hard work?'

We went round and round in circles for a bit on this and the other matters that have been an issue for us for the last month. I accepted some responsibility for the relationship not working. He asked if we could just date on weekends and I said that it wasn't a good idea ('why prolong the agony' was what I was thinking).

That was pretty much it. He walked out without talking to me again, but messaged me later to ask me if I wasn't even going to give it a try, to which I replied 'no'.

Honestly, I felt relief when he left, like a burden had lifted. One less hassle in my life.

sigh.

He deleted our relationship status on FB that afternoon, but for some reason has continued to add my derby friends. They have been accepting him cos they thought he and I were still together. It's very odd that he is doing this and I wonder if he is being a little bit stalkerish. I want to delete him off my friends list, but feel awkward about it (I don't know why).

sigh

As usual, I have spent some time analysing the whole situation and my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

For starters...

I do not need a man to complete me

I can do all the things that I have been holding off doing, on my own or with one of my many friends

I don't really want the complication of a relationship

I think that my relationships haven't lasted because none of them give me the same feelings I felt when I was with D

I am far from perfect (it never hurts to remind myself of that)

I'm too busy to make time for someone who doesn't appreciate the fact I have made time for them

That's about it for now on that matter

Weight - it was weigh in tonight. I have lost only one kg in the last month, and have lost 0.6% body fat. Better than nothing and definitely better than putting weight on. I think I gained a little bit in the last two weeks, since I haven't been going to the gym. Had a chat to the personal trainer about my diet and exercise and feel like I have a better idea of what I need to do with the time I have.

Well that didn't help

2011-03-18T17:39:00.002+11:00

So Titan comes over the next night. He'd got pretty annoyed with me on the phone, so I thought I should stop being a bitch and have him over and discuss it in person.

So he does a big rant, had some valid points about how I don't make him feel loved and needed, tried to pin his lack of social life on me (I told him to get stuffed on that one), and then calmed down somewhat. I pointed out that I have been on my own in some way or another for many years, that accommodating another adult is not something I have done for a while, and that he needed to be a bit more understanding of where I am coming from. I then muttered something about needing a tire changed and that seemed to make him happy (which I thought was odd).

Anyway, that settled him a bit and we went on to discuss other stuff. I told him I'd been craving pasta carbonara all week and how nice it would be to have Italian when we go for dinner on Sat. We discussed food for a bit and the impression I got was that we would be having Italian.

Today he calls me and we check in with each other about schedules and stuff and I said, 'So, are we going to (a lovely Italian place that makes awesome Pasta Carbonara)?'

'Oh no', he says, 'I don't want pasta. We're going to (a steak and chicken restaurant)'.

'Oh' I said

'That's ok isn't it? I can have my chicken then'.

'Fine'

I should have said no, I should have said that I have really been looking forward to having Italian. But I didn't. And now I am pissed off all over again.

Meh

Busy-ness

2011-03-15T21:12:00.003+11:00

Having been on my own for an extended period of time means I have learnt to fill my days with busy-ness. My theory was that being busy stopped me from feeling lonely. I wanted someone to come home to, to hug, to kiss, to build dreams with, etc etc. So having stuff to do meant not having as much time to want those things.

Now I have someone in my life, and I don't really want to make time for him. I don't want to give up the things that have filled my life for the last two years. The things I do make me feel useful, a part of something bigger. I am rewarded by the work I do. Titan doesn't like my commitment to derby, he doesn't like that I am Treasurer, he doesn't like that I have two jobs, and uni, and kids.

Now, as much as I thought I missed having someone in my life, there is nothing in my life now that I would give up. If he asked me to choose between him and derby, for example, I wouldn't even hesitate to say 'bye bye Titan'. This tells me that I don't really love him the way he would like me to. Will I ever? I said the 'L' word a couple of weeks ago and I am regretting it now. It's really hard to say that I will ever develop the strong feelings that I associate with love.

He could have come over tonight and I asked him to a couple of hours ago, but then realised that I really did not feel like seeing him, so when I got a text back from him, I ignored it, and when I thought I heard my phone ring, I did not go to it. And when it rang again later and I answered it, I lied and told him I had not got his message and I did not hear it ring and I told him I was too busy now and we'd have to leave it till tomorrow. He wasn't impressed and whined about having gotten dressed to come over. I didn't care. He whines a lot. I just checked Facebook and he's whined on there too. Meh

Admittedly, I don't feel like a very nice person right now. I feel like once someone gets to know me below the surface, they discover that I am not as nice and sweet as I appear. Which is actually the truth.

hmmm

I don't think this relationship is going to last. And I think it will definitely be my fault. And I think I should stop looking for a boyfriend and just get on with living my life the way I love to live my life - with purpose, meaning, and direction. I want a boyfriend because I don't want to die alone. But you know what? I am going to die alone anyway. Not like I can take him with me lol.

sigh

I annoy myself, cos I want what I don't have, then when I get it I realise what a pain in the ass it is to make time for it. I'd like to think it's just him, but I think it is as much me as anything. I hope I am not becoming a serial dater!!

I have been enjoying this blog tho - http://lostinsingledom.blogspot.com/

Weight - I seem to have dropped another kilo, and lost a cm off my arms and thighs, but I am not going to measure this week. I think I have a weigh-in tomorrow night to check what my fat % is, I hope it has dropped down from the 42% it was last time. I haven't been getting to the gym much since I started my second job and uni, and I miss it. I need to train for the Tough Chick Challenge!

Looks like Teen is going to fail this major year at school.

No. 2 has his major exam on Thurs to get into a selective school. We haven't practiced and we've hardly talked about it. He knows if he doesn't get in I am not going to cry about it, we already picked an alternative highschool that I think will suit him academically as well.

Toddler only stops talking when he is asleep :-)

Tonight at work I was watching a new crawler as he watched a confident crawler. He followed around the confident crawler as much as he could. It was interesting.

Do, or do not...there is no try

2011-03-08T15:06:00.002+11:00

a very good quote from Yoda, of all creatures, lol. I like it and I say it to myself whenever I am feeling like giving up, or when I hear myself say 'I'll try'.

No change in cm's this week. Last Wednesday I weighed myself and appeared to have dropped 1.5kgs, but today I weighed myself and had dropped only 1/2 a kg. Blech. Stupid scales. Haven't been to the gym much because of other commitments, but have still been getting a fair bit of exercise in my new job,

I have a second job as a cleaner, as I am desperate for a bit extra money and my creche hours have been cut back (at my request, but it's night work and was impacting on my kids). I started the cleaning job last Wed. It is casual work, but I have said I am available all day Monday, and till 2.30 pm Tues and Wed. I've done 3 shifts, it is uncomplicated work, but tiring. It pays $3 more per hour than the child care.

Uni - I have dropped back to part-time as my workload (work, kids, boyfriend, derby, and uni) is getting too much and I don't want to wipe myself out. What I have now is plenty!

progress

2011-02-28T18:11:00.005+11:00

A month ago my measurements were...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

This week...

Bust 115 (45)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 124 (49)

Thighs 66 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

Excellent. Still not losing weight, but cm's are good. Been a bit slack re exercise as I hurt my foot on Friday night (sitting at the computer, believe it or not. I think I've pinched a nerve in the top of the foot, very painful), but hope to be back on track within the next few days.

Looks like I've picked up a second job doing cleaning. I have a trial on Wed, but I am confident as I have done this type of work before.

Things are continuing to go well with Titan.

I have been placed on a derby team, I am now a Hellcat :-) Haven't skated for a week, but feel good about playing.

Kids are fine.

continued progress

2011-02-22T12:04:00.004+11:00

Last weeks measurements were...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

This week...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 106 (41.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 67 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

Good to see that I am still dropping cm's off my waist. I had a pretty bad food/exercise week over the last week, so am glad I dropped anything at all.

Last Friday I went to derby training feeling very nervous and unsure of myself. Friday night is Scrimmage night and was to be my first time being fully involved in training for about 6mths. I was nervous about my performance, and worried about my legs. I had prepared my legs by lathering on Deep Heat and wearing a set of knee high Skins.

Silly me :-)

Performance wise, there is plenty of room for improvement, but I did as well as can be expected. My legs...were fine!!!!! I was so incredibly happy. I skated off and on for two hours and had only the minor discomfort that goes with doing an intense exercise. Yay!!!! All the hard work of the last few weeks is paying off.

My next goal is the Tough Bloke (Chick) Challenge, so now my attention is on building up my upper body strength and getting my running going again. I have about 3.5 months to train for the 6km course. I believe it's split into a 3km run, 1km obstacles, 2km run.

I did the C25K Wk1 Day1 today (resulted in a 2.5km walk/jog) and struggled a little bit, but did complete it. I can feel a slight twinge in my right leg which indicates I need to stretch a bit more, but the shin splints are not an issue.

I have a physio appt tomorrow. Will have a chat about my exercise and stretches and maybe find out about strapping.

Titan - well, as I had discovered in previous dating experiences, 6wks is about how long it takes for the less pretty side of a person to come out. I have found he is a bit of a whiner. He is also as self-indulgent as I was, maybe more so as he will actually drive down late at night to get chocolate or coke, whereas I will only get it if I am out already. He wants to discuss my diet with me and tells me I shouldn't have had that meat pie yesterday even though I did more than enough exercise to allow myself it, yet he will eat an entire pizza even when he has not done any exercise for a couple days. I dislike hypocrites and I have said that to him a couple times (maybe his intention is for me to see it as support and encouragement, but I don't).

He is a big fan of the Snooze button, which I think is a waste of time and is just lying to yourself - you set the alarm for when you are going to get up, not for when you think you might get up.

He doesn't seem to remember when I tell him something. This could actually be a memory problem related to his coma. Example - he's been dating me for 6wks, I have attended the gym regularly in that time. The only day I go at 5.30am is on Mondays, because I have Little Boy at home all day and it's the only time I can fit it in. Every other day I go sometime during the day. I know Titan and I have talked about this, at least a couple of times, yet he texts me early this morning and asks me why I wasn't at the gym...another example - training on Fridays goes from 7-9pm. I have told him this a few times. I have told him I don't get home till at least 10pm. So he texts me Fri night and asks me what time I will be home...when I tell him, again, he whines about wanting to spend more time together.

So yeh, none of these are worth breaking up over, but they are irritants. I am happy with the amount of time we spend together, which is about two nights per week plus Sat. He would like more. He would also like to say the 'L' word, but is holding back cos he wants me to say it first. I'm not in a rush to do that.

Gah...relationships are hard work.

smiley face

2011-02-14T13:47:00.004+11:00

ok, so I bit the bullet after a lovely weekend with Titan, and I made us Facebook official (insert many lol's here). He met my mum and bro's on the weekend and I think he made a good impression.

Two weeks ago my measurements were...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

And this weeks measurements are...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

So in two weeks I have dropped 2cms off my bust, 6cms off my waist and 3cms off my hips, 1cm from my thighs and 2cms from my arms...a total of 14cms (5.5inches). WOO!!!! I am nearly back to what I was Oct 2009!

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

The scales still tell me I'm heavier than then, but the cm's are more accurate and more motivating. Give me a week and I reckon I will be back there and then the below numbers will be my aim

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

*happy dance*

Still on a good curve

2011-02-08T10:29:00.005+11:00

Yep, things are still looking positive for the most part.

Titan has been spending a bit more time around me and the boys. This does not appear to have deterred him from dating me :-) Last night he asked me if we were in a relationship, I said that I had been calling him my boyfriend and he said he was calling me his girlfriend (I feel about 12 when we have conversations like this). Then he said something about changing the relationship status on Facebook and I laughed and said 'What? It's not official unless it's Facebook official?' I told him that I don't have my relationship status on FB anyway, because my personal life is not the world's business. I told him he could change his if he wanted. He seemed to let it go. Maybe I'll change it on or after Valentine's Day (I don't know why then particularly, maybe cos it seems appropriate). He also mentioned that there were a few little words that he wanted to say to me, but that it felt too soon. I nodded and kissed him, because it is too soon.

Our conversation last night prompted me to sms my ex and let him know I was seeing someone and it was getting serious. He hasn't replied and I don't really expect him to.

A little unpleasantness this week...regarding my 'friend' J and her issue with her partners ex-g, Shiny. Little bit of history here

So lately Shiny has begun participating in contact and scrimmages at training. J has sat on the sidelines and has appeared to laugh when Shiny falls or can't keep up with the pack (even I have trouble with that). J has been making cryptic, but insulting, comments on FB that even a blind man could figure out was referring to Shiny. I spoke to Shiny about the comments and spent some time thinking about J and her disgusting behaviour towards Shiny, and decided I had had enough. So I messaged her on FB. See below...

Hey hon
I've been told that your cryptic posts of late have been referring to Shiny. I know you think she joined derby because of you and Stripey, but it's pretty obvious that she is here for the love of the game only.

She has no problem with you or Stripey and can't understand why you have a problem with her. I can't understand it either anymore. Please explain to me why you still have such a problem with her.

Flame

I have NEVER though that it joined because of us. I hope to fuck it didnt!
Im fucking over the shit that has gorn on since it joined and wish only for a mac truck to come along and take my problems away

Im fucking over this shit, in and out of derby it is making social life impossible and i am well and truly ready to snap.

If it really didnt have a problem, it wouldnt make such a point of ruining any chance we had at a social life we may have had.

You haven't actually said what it is that Shiny has done to offend you so much. The fact that you and her and Stripey move in the same circle of friends can't be helped, but it is your choice to let the matter affect you.

Calling any person 'it' is something I find incredibly offensive and I ask that you stop.

Flame

You really want to know?!
I dont take kindly to being bad mouthed, as it did when joining. Made up stories about me trying to stop it from joining and such bullshit.

I dont take kindly to having someone quite obviously try to get people that are my friends away from me. Of course you wouldnt see that happening because it happened with you aalong with many others. Though I would hope you might notice the fact that we dont get to talk anymore, wonder why that is?!

I also really dont take kindly to someone making up bullshit stories about people I care about. Making up bullshit about Stripey beating her and then telling everyone simply because it is jealous that he has moved on is so fucking wrong and beyond belief.

We have kept our mouths shut about everything that has gorn on because as soon as we start saying anything its seen as us attacking her when thats all it has done since joining.

Quite frankly, I am beyond giving a fuck. I have lost that many friendships with people I cared about because I dont get to see them anymore because we dont make a point of attending everything to brown nose. We have chosen not to attend so that we arent put into situations that we wont like, as well as stopping others from feeling uncomfortable.

And, she is vile and obnoxious. Cant fucking stand being around it.

So you know, she hasn't badmouthed you or Stripey to me, and she has certainly never called you 'it' or anything like that. Clearly, you have a different point of view than I do. You obviously feel very strongly about Shiny and her involvement in derby.

There are others in the league who don't like each other. They see no need to be nasty about each other or avoid social situations because of it.

I don't want to stop being your friend, but your behavior is making it hard to be a friend to you. I have not seen or heard Shiny behave towards you in a way that justifies your extreme dislike, but as I said before, you have a different view on the situation. And as I said before, calling a person 'it' is incredibly offensive to me.

Flame

Sent via Facebook Mobile

nice to know a friend of mine gives a fuck about me.
thanks

Unfortunately, because I haven't seen the behavior from Shiny that you describe, it is difficult for me to support your very obvious dislike of her.

Up till recently I have not let your feelings about Shiny affect my friendship with you, but hearing you badmouth her to other league members, and the fact that you think it is ok to call someone 'it', is of great concern to me.

I am fully aware you have a different view of the situation. You are clearly aware that you have lost friendships since she came. Has it occurred to you that you lost the friendships because of the way you have handled the situation?

This whole mess is disappointing for all involved.

Flame

And that was that. She then started posting cryptic, but insulting, messages on FB that were directed at me. She has lost me as a friend. When I read her first reply, that started with 'I have NEVER thought that it joined because of us', I shook my head. She lodged a grievance about Shiny joining, they had mediation about it, I was on the committee at the time and was well aware of that situation, and here she blatantly lies to me. The reference she makes to Shiny affecting their social life is about a BBQ that was on recently that all three of them were invited to. J and Stripey chose not to go because Shiny was going to be there. It is J that makes people uncomfortable, J that bitches and whines and backstabs. Unfortunately neither her, nor Stripey, want to see it that way. That's their choice and they are going to have to live with the fallout. It will be interesting to see whether they stay with the league.

Now back to good stuff :-)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

This weeks measurements are

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

so a total loss of 8cms (3in)!!!! But would you believe I have lost NO weight!

In a happier place

2011-02-01T11:28:00.006+11:00

The last time I wrote, Teen and I were looking forward to seeing a Psychiatrist and moving forward with all that had been happening. What a joke that turned out to be. Apparently we were referred to yet another Psychologist for a second opinion on Teen's possible Schizophrenia, not for an ADHD assessment at all. So we spent an hour in there going over the same things with no outcome except confirmation that he did not have Schizophrenia. When I asked the Psych at the end what our options were he told me that if we saw a Psychiatrist then Teen would be put onto medication. Neither Teen nor I are keen on that idea so we walked out of there with nothing.

So now what? I am working on giving him more hugs and saying 'I love you' again like I used to before I got so caught up in fear and anger. He actually appears to have calmed down a fair bit, I don't know why but will enjoy it while it lasts. I am reading up on boys/teens and trying to understand what is happening for him right now. There are challenging moments.

This morning I go to make the lunches for school. I open the fridge to get some grapes for No.2's lunch, and can't find them. I ask the boys if they know where the grapes are. Teen says 'I ate them'.

He ate a kilo of grapes. They were supposed to last the week and be used in lunches. I called him a selfish bastard and told him they were supposed to be for lunches for the week. He was stuck on how awesome it was that he ate a whole kilo of grapes.

sigh

In other news...I skated yesterday. Actually, that is the end of the story lol. I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to get back on skates again. I was at training and depressed about watching the girls and not being out there. So I did some research, talked to heaps of people, and decided to work on my health and fitness and see if that made enough of a difference for me to get back out on skates.

So Monday 17th Jan I started going to the gym again. I think I went 3 times that week and did 30 mins on the stationary bike, 10 mins on the Elliptical Trainer. The following week I put a program on my iPhone that allows you to record exercise and calories (it's basically a diary of your food and exercise) and I began to keep a close eye on what I was putting in vs what I was putting out. I continued to do 25-30 mins bike + 10 mins elliptical and was careful with my calorie allowance. I am on 1540 cals (6300kj) per day. The session on the bike and elliptical gives me another 500 cals to play with, so I can actually have around 2000cals per day. It has actually been really easy to stay under that figure.

By keeping a food diary that lists the cals in food I can decide whether I want to waste 225cals on a Cadbury Picnic Bar, or instead have some Apricot lollies that I like, get a sugar fix from them, but only use 160 cals. A choice I made recently - I was craving a meat pie. I checked to see what the cal value was - around 500cals! My craving was not worth a third of my daily allowance, so I opted for a Beef cup a soup and two bread rolls instead (about 300cals), and was satisfied for the rest of the afternoon. On Sunday I knew I was going to have McDonalds, so I made sure I had a light breakfast and lunch, did some exercise, and was able to have Macca's guilt free (although it did make me feel a bit sick).

Anyway...as of today I have lost 1kg and dropped 2cms off both my hips and waist. I found this post which shows where I was at Dec 2009. If you don;t want to read it I have noted the figures for Oct/Dec below.

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

My current measurements are...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

So I now know that I am currently heavier than I was Oct 09. It's there in black and white. It goes to show how easy it is to let yourself go. Right now my scales say I am 99kgs. In Oct/Dec 09 I think I was about 95kgs. My goal weight is 80kgs.

Back to the matter of skating. I've been off skates since the day at the Foreshore when the shin splints were agony. I have focussed on lots of stretching and doing low or no impact exercise. Yesterday I went for a gentle skate at the Foreshore with the kids. I was on my skates for an hour, but probably only spent 30mins intensively skating. I had no pain while skating, and only slight discomfort for an hour or so afterwards (I should have stretched but didn't as I was rushing around at home getting tea organised). I feel very good about this and feel positive that what I am doing is working for me. I have set a target of a month of off skate training, with a bit of social/casual skating here and there. I realise that I will have the shin splints for life and that what is important is to listen to my body and rest it when it needs resting, stretch when I need to stretch, and say 'no' if I feel I can't do an activity, such as pacelines. I am going to try Orthotic inserts and when I have the money I will see a Physio. I want to be back out skating again. I want to be on a team and bouting again.

Love life...smiley face. Three weeks ago I met a man we shall call Titan. We spent 3hrs talking and could have kept going but I had to be elsewhere. He asked me on an official date and well...we had our 5th date last Sat. Each time we get together we spend hours talking and getting to know each other. We're not rushing, both of us have been hurt before and want to take it easy. He's met the boys, he's actually already met Little Boy before, as he works in Child Care and had done some casual work at Little Boy's daycare center. The boys were impressed by his height (6ft 2in yum yum) and that he looks kind of buff (he goes to the gym pretty regularly and looks after himself most of the time).

I like him. He is a family man, very protective of his twin sister, who has cerebral palsy. He's been close to death, he had a surgical operation 3yrs ago that put him in a coma that no one thought he would come out of. He had to re-learn how to walk and talk again, not right from scratch tho, it was more about reminding his neurons what they were supposed to do. It prompted him to have a career change, he was a process worker before the accident and decided after that he wanted to go into child care, a job he had wanted to do since highschool. He is affectionate, but not overly so. He texts, but not too much. He compliments me when he sees me. He feels safe talking to me. He can't spell too well and his grammar is a bit poor, but I actually don't care. He's never been married but has had 3 relationships that lasted over 1yr, the longest was 4yrs. He does want children of his own, so I have had to have a good think about whether I was prepared to go down that road again. I like how I feel when I am around him, I enjoy his company and I would like to continue seeing him.

Possible negatives - he has told me that he can have a bit of a temper at times. He has told me that there has been times when he has been pretty depressed. He is on anti depressants and he says they have made a huge difference to his attitude and perspective. Nothing unusual really.

Life is looking pretty good at the moment.

I choose to be hopeful

2011-01-11T23:44:00.005+11:00

that this year will improve on the last. It's not starting off quite as well as I would like, but I will work with it.

Teen has an appointment on Fri with the Mental Health services. Our new journey is beginning.

I spent some time reflecting on my parenting and I plan to make some changes. I will reintroduce our menu planning that we used to do when we lived in the city. I will introduce a chores list so that all of us are contributing to making the house a nice home to live in, and subsequently teach life skills that will benefit my boys down the track. I will assist the boys with school work and make time for fun as a family.

I have spent time reflecting on my own lifestyle habits and I plan to make some changes. 15 yrs of crappy habits aren't going to be easy to break, but I need to.

I had a read back through my posts and realised that I only briefly mentioned that I took a break from skating last year. From around August to Oct. This was due to a condition called shin splints. I thought it was just cramps, but could find no way of relieving the pain except for not skating. In August I had done some research and found that my problem was shin splints - Info about shin splints I was in so much pain I was crying at training. So I took a break. I got myself new skates for my birthday, thinking that may be part of the problem. I began skating again, gently, not full on training, in November. No pain. I was feeling very confident that I would be back skating as a member of the league again in the new year. Our league went on our holiday break in early Dec and I did not skate until about two weeks ago.

My return to skating was as a street skater. This is an activity I had feared for a long time and I felt it was time to make some progress and actually give it a good go. I discovered that I really enjoyed it. I have a 'safe' area to skate, in that it is fairly clear paths, mostly flat, not too many things that can cause me to fall.

Unfortunately, during my 4th street skate session, I felt that all too familiar pain in my shins. It wasn't terrible and so I rested often during the skate and took it easy. I gave myself a few days off from the street skating.

I couldn't get to our first training session back tonight as I was working, so I took myself off to my spot and went for a street skate. Within half an hour I was in agony, even with frequent stops and not pushing too hard. I headed back to my car, but it got too much so I took off my skates and found that I could barely walk, that my lower legs could barely support me as I got my gear into the car.

I got into the car and cried, not just from the pain that was so much worse than last time, but also from the knowledge that me and skating are pretty much done. I think I will be able to manage it when I am out with the kids, cos they fluff around so much that it takes us 2 hrs to do my usual 40 min skate, but I am thinking that Derby is a definite no-go. It also means no more running (which I wasn't doing anyway, but had planned to start that back up).

I spoke to a personal trainer and she recommended lots of stretching before exercise, go and see a physio, and find a low impact sport like cycling to do instead.

I choose to be hopeful that the problem will be resolved. I understand that it may mean no longer skating in the roller derby league. At this point I am still heavily involved in other areas of the league, so there is that at least.

disturbed

2011-01-06T09:54:00.003+11:00

example of brief interaction with teen...

Teen: mum, do we have any polystyrene?

Me: no

Teen: what about the boxes in the garage?

Me: no, they store my craft mags cos they are waterproof

Teen: The top one is empty

Me: That's because I used it for christmas drinks. When it dries out the mags are going back in there

Teen: (silence)

The next day...

Teen: do you have any polystyrene I can have

Me: no.......why?

Teen: I want to make napalm

Me: (be silent, walk away, deep breaths, don't cry)

________________________________________________________________

Yesterday he broke a window in the garage. He seemed to be having fun. I lost it at him. I kept it brief, walked away, and barely spoke to him for the rest of the afternoon.

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T21:15:00.004+11:00

I wish you all the best. I hope you and any loved ones have a safe and happy holiday season.

Took Teen to the GP who had a good old chat to both of us, read over the report from the psych and supported her opinion that Teen has ADHD, but remained skeptical about the Schizophrenia. Since there is almost no question about the ADHD (insert parental guilt here) we have been referred to the Mental Health Services here and I am now waiting on a call from them to set up an appointment.

I wish my pride had not stopped me from seeking help for Teen sooner...five or more years ago really. Right now I worry about his future. I can see that now the process has begun there is some hope for his future...but still.

My brothers are a good example of how I don't want Teen to end up. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted, because I seem quite different from all of them. My brothers are all younger than me. L is 28, has not had a job in about 5yrs, sits at home on his computer playing games or watching tv, has had drug problems in the past, has not had a girlfriend in about 9yrs, has no real prospects. A is nearly 21, is heavy into alcohol and drugs, has not held down a job for more than a couple of months since he left highschool. H has ADD and mild Aspergers, he is 19, and also a drug user, although apparently not as bad as A, has never had a job and was unable to complete highschool.

These are the men in the periphery of my Teen's life. Combine that with over hormonal peers, a dad who struggles with interactive parenting and a mother at her wit's end and the prospects for Teen don't look so great either.

So I am placing alot of hope in the treatment that I expect Teen to receive in the New Year. Please God, let it produce positive results.

So...tomorrow is Christmas. I am thankful that my mum has made it to her second Christmas since getting sick. We did not expect her to make it to the first. My brother A is behaving badly towards mum at the moment, so if he comes to lunch tomorrow things may be a little tense. This has been the poorest Christmas I can ever remember. I actually haven't bought the boys anything yet, I just have not had any money. They are at their dad's for Christmas, so I get an extra week to go present shopping (yay for crazy Christmas Sales).

I am tired of drama. There has been such alot of it these last few months, at my home, at derby, at mum's. I would love a little peace. Actually, with the boys away at their dad's for Christmas, it has been rather peaceful :-) I put Teen on the train yesterday. He and his bro's will be back Monday week.

I read back over this year's posts...all 15 of them lol. It's been a really tough year. A stressful year, a money poor year, a year of worry. I hope 2011 brings some happiness. I hope I remember to write about all the good stuff that I know happens.

Be safe

searching for the positives...

2010-12-19T13:49:00.005+11:00

Truly, I am, but they seem few and far between.

It's amazing how lonely you can feeling when standing in the midst of friends.

What is it about being single that makes a person feel incomplete? Why is there this overpowering need/want/desire to have somebody to share life with? Why is it that some people seem perfectly happy with their singular status? Is it fake? Is it extreme selfishness?

It's amazing how alone you can feel when dealing with the many burdens of life. How each little event just piles up, all the while so does the washing, and the dishes, and the rest of the household jobs that seem too much to deal with. Friends are there, but they can't ease the burden, or you think your burden isn't enough to bother them with, or your pride gets in the way, so you don't ask for help.

Took Teen back to psychologist for the results from some written tests we had done. She discussed the findings with us, had some one on one time with Teen, called me back in the room and stated that she felt that while he does appear to have ADHD, she actually believed he showed signs of Schizophrenia. She then apologised.

sigh

We're off to the GP next week to have chat to him and see what our options are. I want to get Teen extensively tested to ensure that it is Schizoprehia and not ADHD. The diagnosis by the Psychologist is unconfirmed, it is an opinion rather than a fact (although the test results were pretty damning).

Needless to say I spent the next couple of days after the 'diagnosis' reading up on it, and then crying off and on. I told my mum about what we had been doing. I started off by saying Teen and I had been going to a Psychologist and that she had initially felt he was ADHD, my mum stopped me there and said 'Can I just say I told you so?'

bitch

I burst into tears at that comment. Told her to shut up and let me tell the rest of the story. She did, and I did, and then we chatted about it for the next couple hours, with me crying off and on just from the stress of all of it, and the fear for his future. She was kind of reassuring. One of my brothers has learning disabilities and so mum has dealt with the mental health unit, and with local Dr's and the like, so she had a bit of useful info. She offered to take Teen off my hands now and then so that I could have a break, and this is something I really appreciated as it can be challenging having him around (as previous posts can attest to).

I posted on my Facebook recently...

ok, so you know how the saying is 'God only gives you as much as you can handle'? Well, God, you can stop giving now, please. I need a break...

I lie in bed sometimes and wonder what I am going to have to deal with next. Then I get up and I handle whatever 'it' is.

In my selfish moments I wonder if I will ever find a man who will willingly take on me and my kids. I feel the possibility creeping further and further away. A friend said to me last night 'You are so awesome, I love you!' and I said to her, 'Why is it only women ever say that to me? Where is there a man who will see it, recognise it, and love me too?'

I think that was too much thinking for her grog addled brain lol.

The Derby AGM has been and gone and was nowhere near as painful as expected. Actually, it was pretty painless. I think my report was the longest one, I talked for about 10 minutes, answered a couple of uncomplicated questions, and was done. There has been a few changes in the make up of the Exec and general committees, but it looks to be people who will be good in the roles. The next year will be interesting.

We had our Derby Xmas Party last night and I went, had a meal, chatted to a few people, and found myself wishing I was at home with a good book. I was kind of bored.

I have a derby friend who I am struggling to be friends with at the moment, I shall call her J. She is a challenging personality, in that she is very...how do I describe her...full on...hmmm, yeh I guess that's the best I can do. J has mood swings, takes minor things personally, acts inappropriately at times (like at the AGM, I was sitting talking serious Derby business with a colleague and she sat across from me and threw a bit of paper at me. I actually told her off, I said 'now is not the time or place for this' and frowned at her. She got all sulky and opened up the piece of paper and showed me that it said 'I love you', and I said 'that's sweet, but now is really not the time'. It actually really irritated me). She is not well liked in the league. I persist with the friendship because I do like her at times, but lately her sulkiness and her rudeness is getting a little worse, and I am getting a little less tolerant (with all the shit I have to deal with, her's does not even rate). The most current...

J's boyfriend is a ref with the league. His ex-girlfriend, let's call her Shiny, joined (at least 6 mths ago, maybe longer). Shiny is not interested in J's boyfriend. Way back when Shiny joined, J chucked a tanty about the ex-g joining, went on and on about how this girl joined just to piss her off. That drama got settled, somewhat, and J and Shiny ignore each other at training and events and move in a different crowd. J gets the shits if her boyfriend talks to the ex-g. I am friends with Shiny, she is a funny, nice girl. I refuse to take sides (not that the Shiny asks it of me, she could care less about J). I think J doesn't handle the fact that people in general like Shiny. Shiny is also on the General Committee and is very good at the role she has. J, on the other hand, has managed to screw up the two committee positions she has held in the last year (because of her behaviour).

Anyway, I was out with J the other night, with some other girls from the league. J went on and on about Shiny, about how she joined to piss off J, about how she is crap at her job etc etc. The thing is, she calls Shiny 'It'. I find this incredibly offensive (especially having read 'A Boy called "It"'). I find her behaviour childish, and inappropriate (her dislike of Shiny is based on personal, apparently non-existent issues). Calling a human being 'It' is about as low as you can go, and when Shiny is actually a really nice, genuine person, the term grates on me even more.

So I am backing off from the friendship. Not obviously, but I just don't have alot of time or tolerance for J anymore. I think she may be a bit mentally unstable, an opinion that I know a couple of Execs share with me after having worked with her. I am one of the few friends she has in the league, so that makes it harder, but after the other night, listening to her going on, I really don't think I can be a good friend to her. We were seated near each other at dinner last night, and I couldn't handle it, couldn't handle listening to her going on and on about whatever subject interested her at the time (she is hard to shut up). Once I had finished my meal I got up and moved away and sat elsewhere. I didn't make it obvious that I moved because of her, I just went and talked to someone else and then chose to stay where I was, but I think she noticed anyway. Later, when she was leaving, she came up to me and kept going on about how we'll have to catch up through the week and do something together.

shrug

She has a Nutrimetics party on in Jan that I am going to, that will be enough.

D got in touch with me, crapped on about how he wanted to grow up and be a man, said he wanted to date me...blah blah blah. I am not holding my breath. That was about two weeks ago and...nothing...lol...surprise surprise. I am honestly not fussed. I mean it. I really don't care. I am on dating sites, I am talking to men, I am not sitting around waiting for D to prove himself.

I think I am partly to blame for how things ended up. I met him at a time when I was not well emotionally, then when he withdrew I did not cope well. It's never been the same since.

I have been reading an interesting book called 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man'. It is written by a man and talks about having self respect, not giving yourself too soon (he advocates ninety days), so that you can determine that the guy is around for you and not for the goodies. He talks about three indications that a man has strong feelings for you - Profess (he wants you to meet his friends and family, he wants to take you out and show you off to the world), Protect (physically, from danger; generally, by making sure you are safe, by giving advice he thinks will help you), Provide (financially, but not necessarily so. He can provide by helping you out in other ways, like fixing your car, or getting a mate to do it). I saw all those behaviours in D2 and T, the other two guys I have seriously dated in this last 2 yrs, didn't work out, but still...

So, I'm reading this and thinking about all the times I needed D to be a man for me, like in April last year when my mum was in hospital, or when I moved up to this city and knew no-one, or when I had my car accident and had no idea how to go about buying a new car and subsequently got ripped off. He was in my life, but not for me, for the goodies. And that's my fault. I gave up the goodies before he earned the right to have them.

Lesson learned.

Blech

2010-12-08T12:27:00.002+11:00

I am looking down at my chubby little hands and my flabby arms, and at the rolls on my belly, and wondering 'how the hell did I end up like this?'

I know the answer - years of poor diet, emotional eating, self indulgence, insufficient exercise, justification that if I did half an hour of exercise I can eat that junk food for lunch..etc etc etc

I disgust myself

I know that only I can change this, that I need to find the willpower, the motivation, the desire to be more (or in this case, less, lol) than who I am. I won't pretend that I will be happier if I lose weight, but I will be able to find and wear clothes that are attractive, rather than shapeless, I will have more energy, I will feel more attractive.

It's not even that hard, which is partly why I am disgusted. It's getting up half an hour earlier to go for a walk, it's not driving towards a take away shop and saying, 'two burgers aren't going to hurt', it's not going for a walk and then saying 'oh, I will reward myself by getting chocolate'. It's parking further away from my destination and walking. It's taking my kids swimming, and doing some swimming of my own.

Back when I visited my best friend we talked about our weight and I had aimed to have lost 10kgs. It was achievable. Instead I feel fatter than ever and I am afraid to get on my scales and see how much I have gained.

blech

A little heartbroken and lost

2010-12-07T13:50:00.003+11:00

Teen has been stealing from me. He has gone through my cupboards and drawers in my bedroom and taken items from there. He goes through the cupboards in the kitchen and helps himself to whatever he wants without checking that it is ok to have (there has been a number of occasions where he has eaten food set aside for school lunches). I have one shelf in the kitchen that I reserve for myself, it has my healthy snacks, my protein powder and, on the rare occasion there is enough money in the house, it is where I put my chocolate.

Trust in this house is assumed. Basic respect of space and property is expected. Unfortunately Teen seems to have completely bypassed the lessons on trust and respect. Nothing is safe from his prying hands and eyes. If he wants something, he takes it. He has lost all my tools by not returning them after use, destroyed my garden fork because he had the shits, destroyed an outdoor broom that belongs to the owners of the house, put dents in the walls.

The current last straw was when I went to my cupboard last night to enjoy some chocolate that my brother had bought me as a gift. It was gone. I immediately confronted Teen, who said he took some. I pointed out that the whole block was gone, so where was the rest of it? He got it from his school bag. Less than half a block. I was close to tears, I had been looking forward to this treat all day. I yelled at him, saying that it was a gift from my brother, that Teen invades every space in this house, so why could I not have just this one shelf that he does not touch? He had nothing for me, did not seem phased by how upset I was.

I feel like I have nothing left for him. Trust and respect is so important to me and I feel that it is beyond me to generate any more forgiveness for this person who cares so little for other people's things.

I am devastated. I do not know what to do. I do not want to be around him. I do not want him near me. I want to turn my back on him. I am so lost.

I feel like a failure as a parent.

Reflective and sad

2010-11-30T22:17:00.004+11:00

I had it in my head that I only post on here when I am miserable, so I was glad to see that the last couple of posts are actually pretty positive :)

I love Roller Derby. I love how it brings such an eclectic group of people together who share the passion and have this, if nothing else, in common. I was so happy to find a place in this town that allowed me to tap into my personality even more and helped me to discover or acknowledge more about myself (like that I am lazy and easily distracted when it comes to exercise lol). I came to the league as an average skater, able to stay upright and skate in a circle, but no real skills to speak of. Even I am impressed with how far I have come in the last year. I haven't skated much for the last few months, but I can put my skates on and still execute a T-Stop, and one knee fall, a Porn Star and a Baseball Slide. I can still sticky skate and whip and jump. I can feel the hunger building again, the desire to get out there and block, and hit, and defend, to feel the fishnet burn as I take a slide. And it is my league, the girls and boys of the league I love, that has brought me to where I am today.

So to have the unity of our league threatened is breaking my heart. I am hurting, not just for myself, but for all the girls and guys who are being affected by the words and actions of a small group within the league. Someone recently described them as cancerous, and I can't entirely disagree with that description. I think the fact that our AGM is about to happen has exacerbated the issue. There are so many little dramas and goings-on that have happened over the last 6 mths or so, happenings that have culminated in our Head Coach walking out, our President and Grievance Officer coming close to mental break downs, and anger, so much anger. So much anger! And the anger comes from men and women who are passionate about the sport, passionate about our league, men and women who are scared that this little group will damage our league beyond repair. I too stand scared that this will change the league forever, will scar it. Maybe it is being blown out of proportion, and honestly, some of what has happened has made for a good laugh...but the anger...

Time will tell

I gave D the flick again. Not interested in going into it, it simply was never going to move forward. I was sad for a few days and then a bit angry (at myself and him). But then I was over it. I have spent some time reflecting on different things I did during the time I knew him and realise that I made my share of mistakes, as you do, but I am glad to move on from it all.

Little Boy just came out to me and snuggled his sleepy goodness into my arms.

I need to hold on to the little positives and joys in my life to get me through the days when I struggle to breathe.

ah...and now to the kids

It is now that I am realising, more than ever, that the way males and females think and do are very very different (yes, I am being general, just because it is easier). I always dreaded the teen yrs, because as a teen I was (to my mind) evil personified. At least till I left home anyway. So, in comparison, my Teen is actually not too bad. He comes home at his curfew, he does a few jobs around the house when asked (or at least on the same day) and without complaining, he turns up at school, he still makes me laugh occasionally, and he still gives me a hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me at least once a day. These things I appreciate and love. But I fear for his future. I fear for his growth into a good man (I've been reading Celia Lashie's book 'He'll be Ok'). He has stolen from me, nothing major, but it's the principle of the matter. He has gone into my room and gone through my draws and cupboards and taken things. He has destroyed objects that do not belong to him. His anger towards his brothers hurts me and scares me a little.

So I had a mental health assessment done by our GP and we were referred to a Child Psych. We have attended two sessions with her. Teen is not impressed, and to be honest, after reflection, neither am I. He does not like her because her manner is a little odd, she is not someone I could see him connecting with. I am not impressed because at the last session I felt like it became a 'me and her against him' type session (I sit in on the sessions). She even used the words 'make your mother happy' as his incentive for completing some basic short term goals. Like that is really going to work (and surprise surprise, after nearly a week nothing is achieved).

Seeing a woman counsellor is like having another mother growling at him, another woman who cannot relate to how Teen, as a male, is feeling. My feeling is that he needs a male counsellor, psych, whatever. He has no good male role model in his life, no adult male he can ask questions of (although at this age apparently they don't do that anyway). There is no one to give him guidance on how to be a good man. Celia Lashie's book was a good read, as have been other books I have been reading that have enlightened me a little about men's behaviour. But it doesn't help me/us/him in the raw physicality of negotiating teenagehood.

I have moments where I hate, with a passion, that I have to go through this apparently alone. I have moments where I look at the fact that once his years are done, I will have the next boy moving into it, and then the next, and I just want to cry. I will have no break from teenagers for the next 14 or so yrs.

I am asked fairly regularly whether working with kids makes me want to have more. For a brief period this year, when close friends were having babies or falling pregnant, I would have said 'yes'. I got over it. Living with a teenager is an excellent birth control method. If I had another within the next year I would have twenty years of teenagers to look forward to. No thank you very much.

So where are Teen and I at now? Well, I guess I shall be calling the Psych this week and discussing my concerns with her. If need be we shall go back to the GP and seek another referral, or I shall source some community counselling service for him (the Psych is pretty bloody expensive).

No. 2 is plodding along nicely. I celebrate his achievements, try to hug him at least once a day (he's not a huggy person but he does it willingly), and make sure he knows I love him (as I do with all of them).

Little Boy...took him to the Dr when he was pretty sick with the flu a few months ago and she mentioned that his heart sounded a little irregular and perhaps we should have it checked again the next time he is at the Dr's. So I took him in for his 4yr old shots last week (yes, there is a large gap between a few months and last week, let's call it 'preferring to be ignorant') and mentioned it to the GP we saw. He had a listen and said that yes, it did sound as if there was a heart murmur and how about we get an ECG done to investigate further. We discussed Little Boys' development (which, other than being pretty short for his age, is coming along beautifully) and left it at that. I can't get an ECG appointment before the new year.

Needless to say, having the concern confirmed and acknowledged was rather upsetting. It does not matter if a Dr says it may be nothing, at the moment it is something and it is a scary something and it brings up my fear of losing any more of my children. I'm not coddling him, I am not that kind of mother, but I look at him and try to imagine a life without him in it and so I treasure the cuddles, and the kisses, and the silly games we play, and the sulks, and the innate reasonableness and desire to please that abounds in his personality.

It was the same when Teen was getting his tests done for his leg and his head. I can't imagine a life without my boys (although some days I pray for a little peace and strength).

At times I find the saying 'God only gives you as much as you can handle' going through my head. Depending on my mood I sigh and reach down a bit deeper to get the strength I need (although in reading that I am thinking perhaps I need to be reaching out to Him more instead), or I get a bit angry that yet again I have fear and pain and unhappiness stretching their tendrils into my life. I place no blame on God, he is a rock in the storm.

Life is not easy, but I get a bit tired of it being 'not easy' so often.

Reading with Little Boy

2010-11-03T11:45:00.003+11:00

Procrastinating is what I am doing at the moment. I am working on my final uni assignment for this semester and find it both boring and intriguing at the same time. It is an essay on cognitive development. Children in general interest me - their differing behaviours and reactions, how they think and interpret situations. Writing about it, on the other hand, is blah. I am merely repeating what others have written before me.

Little Boy (formerly Toddler) and I love to read together at bedtime. If it is not too late we will always read at least one story, but if he gets to bed on time we read three, and if he gives me big smoochy kisses and hugs I might be convinced to read a fourth! A current favourite is 'Boris Monster : Scared of Nothing', and another is the 'Wiggly Word House' (we have read this so much I groan when he pulls it out of the shelf, but I still read it). Last night we were reading a Dora the Explorer seek and find book, another one that has been a long time favourite of his and makes me groan when I see it. Sometimes when I get bored with a book we make it silly. In the Dora book we pretend that what we have to find is called something else, e.g. a book is an elephant, a ruler becomes a chicken, a dog becomes a boot. Since I love to hear him laugh, and he thinks games like this are pretty damn funny, it makes reading the book (for the thousandth time) much more enjoyable.

Anyway, all this reading on cognitive development also makes me pay attention to how Little Boy views things, and he is of an age where I can ask him questions about why he thinks something is what it is. In this case, he showed me a picture of a turtle and said 'this is a turtle'. Of course I immediately said 'no, it's a banana' and was rewarded with a giggle, but then I asked him 'How do you know it's a turtle?' We were silly for a bit longer, and then he pointed to it and said 'it's legs'
Me 'because they are short?'
Little Boy 'yes....and his thing on his back'
Me 'the shell? That's called a shell'
Little Boy ' yes, his shell'.
He looked at the pic for a few seconds more and then announced 'and his googly eyes!'
Of course that set us both laughing.

I love reading books with my Little Boy

Entertained

2010-10-08T17:04:00.002+11:00

It is quite fun to go back and read old posts and see how little, or how much, has changed.

D and I are plodding along just fine. It's been two years since we met online and I wish I could say it has been easy, but my goodness it has not, lol. We have both agreed that we are tired of the 'on again, off again' relationship and that we are going to give it a good hard go this time. I may read this in 3 months and laugh and shake my head, but for now that is where we are at. One of the most important things was that I need to stop thinking that he is the same as me. I think we have proved time and again that that is not the case. He has asked only one thing of me and that is to 'just relax'. I laughed when he said that and hid my head, because I know it is true, I get so strung out about us sometimes that I turn my back and run.

My job is great for child observation. I am intrigued to see how different boys and girls are from a very young age, usually from about 3 yrs you can really see boys vs girls. By that I mean the gender differences. For example, when I have 3 girls and 1 boy around 4 yrs, the girls will flock together, will play pretend games in the cubby house and with the picnic food and may exclude the boy completely unless they are playing 'mums and dads'. The boy may go off and play with cars. I rarely see girls gravitate towards the cars.

Letter from the past

2010-09-14T10:15:00.002+10:00

I received a letter from myself today via http://www.futureme.org/. It was only a short email, I remember at the time wondering if it was a joke and doing the email more as a test.

I asked myself if D was still in the picture, if my mum was still alive, had my toddler finished toilet training, did my boys still hug and kiss me every day and did teen still tell me that he loved me. I asked myself whether I was playing roller derby, did I get in to uni, am I treating myself well.

It was interesting to read. I will write another one, a longer one, asking similaar questions I suppose, but going into more detail about what life is like right now.

memories

2010-09-06T00:54:00.002+10:00

I have been off visiting my best friend and her family this week just gone. She is the proud mum of two boys aged 6 and 2, and a brand new baby girl. I spent the week being her nanny, and chauffeur, and cleaner when required. The nanny bit was pretty tiring, as her 2 yr old is a bundle of mischief and had to be watched like a hawk. I had my younger two there as well and so 5 kids made for an energetic week.

I had lots of cuddles with the new baby too, and have subsequently found that it has brought up some stuff for me.

While I don't feel clucky, the wanting has returned. I would cradle her little head in my hand and marvel at how perfect she is, marvel at the miracle of life. I found myself recalling the feeling of being pregnant, that fullness, the ripeness of the body, the nudge from a foot, or hand, or head. I found myself wanting to experience it again. I also recall the exhaustion from lack of sleep, but how that was overwhelmed by the joy of a new baby.

It also had me thinking about my first baby. The ten hour drive home gave me plenty of time for mulling over old memories, and trying to recall much that I had forgotten. I get so frustrated at my poor memory, as it means I lose the opportunity to relive experiences.

Anyway, my thoughts were on the baby I had lost when he was 6 weeks old. He died of meningitis, at a time when it was very rare. I was only 15 at the time, and my partner must have been barely 18. We went to the Dr thinking he had chicken pox, instead, the Dr told us to get straight to the hospital as she did not know what he had but it definitely was not chicken pox. And so began living hell, the next 24hrs are hrs I would never want to relive. Such a great loss for such young people to bear.

That baby would have been turning 18 this year, and so I can not help but wonder what might have been.

Sometimes I feel as if I have lived multiple lifetimes in this one life. Sometimes I look back on it all and marvel that I am here now, moderately sane, and mostly happy. Do I thank my mother for my resilience? Did it come from having a supportive early childhood, or one where I was expected to look after myself to some extent? I think, knowing my mother, that the latter is more likely.

Smiley face

2010-08-22T11:54:00.002+10:00

I feel on top of the world today. No idea why. Maybe it is because the sun was shining when I woke, maybe it is because I have a stress free day ahead of me. It could be the two corsets I bought last night, or the fact I just signed back up to Weight Watchers again, cos my laziness and crap diet have caught up with me and I am close to 3 digits again. Could be because of all the compliments I got last night about what I was wearing, which was a dress I had made myself.

I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it.

I am not stressing over D. I am, strangely enough, liking that he is back in my life. I think I am crazy, but crazy is not so bad. Being with T and enjoying him as a friend, and not being caught up in all the emotional bullshit made me wonder if I could have that with D. I don't know.

Still in touch with T, he let me know he is looking for work and trying to stay positive. I still remain disappointed that his disease was something that was too big for me (and him too really) to handle, as I continue to think he is a great person.

My weight...I got on the scales yesterday morning and was not surprised by what I saw. I have noticed my clothes are tighter and my fitness is less. Decided to bite the bullet this morning and sign up for WW, just because it has worked for me in the past. I have set a goal to lose 19kgs. It will take me about 6 mths.

Disappointed

2010-08-19T14:54:00.002+10:00

sooo...things are over with T. Turns out that he was not an ex-alcoholic, but a current one. He lost his job last week because he turned up drunk. I spent the weekend thinking about whether I wanted a relationship with a person with this disease, and decided that I could not handle it emotionally. I would stress about it and if he ever had a drink I would be a bitch about it, and I said all that to him when I saw him again. He appeared to understand, and we chatted for another hour about other stuff. I am glad that I never got emotionally involved, I enjoyed him as a friend and had just started thinking about a possible future for us when he sat me down and told me about his drinking and his job. It is disappointing that he is such a great guy, with such a massive problem.

Then...I asked D for help with something that I knew he was familiar with, and somehow that led to us meeting up and hanging out for a few hours.

Sigh...I get so frustrated with my own inability to just let him go once and for all.

how things change

2010-08-11T21:54:00.003+10:00

I have never been far away, but as usual, life gets in the way. I miss blogging tho, miss seeing my words on 'paper' and reading back over time. It's not really that hard to take 15mins or so to write, well...you would think.

Anyway

I temped at the gov job, did my usual 'fall asleep during the middle of the day out of sheer boredom' thing and decided when that contract ended and I was offered an extension, that no, I would not take it. The money was good and made a huge difference to my financial situation, but the job was detrimental to my uni (I came very close to failing a couple of subjects) and boring as bat shit. The hours also sucked. So I declined the offer and went on my merry way. Did the catalogues for a couple more weeks and then said 'screw this', the pay was crap for the amount of work required and the only benefit was the exercise (which I no longer do and miss). So I was jobless for oh...about 3 weeks..lol. Was at the gym one day and the girl I was with told me about a job listing she had seen in the change room, the gym was looking for someone for their creche. I went in and spoke to the lady, next day I dropped in my paperwork, two days later they called and asked me to do a trial, did that and got the job.

So I have been there for two months now. I can't say I like it all that much, but it is certainly challenging. I work two mornings with a colleague for two hours, and three evenings by myself for 3hrs a night, and every second Sat by myself for 3hrs. I have rearranged my life to fit in with this (which is not great but ...meh). I supervise/care for children aged 5 weeks to 12yrs and can have anywhere from 2 - 24 kids at any given time. I have one child who is there every day who has quite aggressive behaviour and I find she is my main challenge, although when I have 4 babies and they are all requiring my attention I find THAT is a real challenge! I come home feeling tired and feeling like I have not made a difference in the world other than to give some parents time to have a bit of a work-out. The experience is good, but I can't see myself being here long term.

Uni...what a drama that has been this semester. As I mentioned before, I came close to failing a couple of subjects, but stopped working just in time to make an awesome comeback and get two passes and two credits. So I get to this semester, select my subjects, forget about registering for tutorials, go to register and find that I can get almost nothing when it suits me best...meh. Yet again I am missing most of my lectures because they clash with work, but then there is more. One of my subjects, that I was particularly looking forward to, is Creative Arts. however, can't get to the lecture. One of my friends does go and writes to tell me that if I can't attend lectures then I am in a bad way because the Teachers will not be putting anything on the Student website. In other words, the lecture for this subject is compulosry. So I drop out of that subject and I pick up Maths (god forbid). I am already nearly two full weeks behind when this happens so I do a mass study session and catch up on that. I also had K-6 English, another subject I was kind of looking forward to. We have compulsory school visits for this, however the visits aren't assessed, they are just compulsory because the Head Teacher says so. It is an immediate fail if you don't attend. Initially I thought 'no problem at all', but then realised this week that one of the school visits falls when I am going to my best friends to help with her kids while she recovers from a ceasarean. So I contact the teacher to check about the school visits and she says 'withdraw or fail, your choice'. I'm all WTF??? So I can attend 3 of 4 and still fail??? 'yep'. Not happy. I withdraw. There goes $130 on textbooks. Hopefully I can use them next year. I may do 5 subjects in 2nd semester next year, just to try and catch back up. No way was I going to pick up a 2nd year subject 3 weeks into this semester.

So I am studying Maths (not my best subject...ever), Science (which is awesome! This week we extracted DNA from a strawberry and last week we poked holes in potatoes LOL), and Foundations of Child Development (which is all about how children grow up and what it is affected by).

Paid off a big chunk of debt with my tax return, so I am glad for the work I had last year that enabled me to do that.

Teen is going...fine. He has good moments and bad moments, but overall we aren't doing so badly. He is talking about looking for work and maybe staying on at school. The doc decided the lump on his leg was nothing to worry about and so that was that.

No.2 is good, plodding along as always. He attends Scouts now and seems to enjoy it.

Little Boy is gorgeous :-) He is 4 yrs old soon.

Love...lol @ D who is a total fail as far as life is concerned. He lives his life in front of the computer or at work and that just bores me to tears. I gave him the flick again about 3 months ago, and haven't looked back. I realised that at the time I met him he seemed like what I was looking for, but that as time went on I realised that he and I had little in common and he was not really very good at being in a relationship...basically, it was heading in the same direction that my marriage had.

So...about 2 months ago I met T. We have been dating for that time, and only last week took it to a new level. So it has been a nice, slow process of actually getting to know each other. He is 36, has two children that he spends alot of time with, has a stable job, does not live at home with mum and dad, and shares alot of my values and principles. I enjoy talking to him, and listening to him talk. He is a working man, so has a few rough edges, but I actually like that. He has a good work ethic, a good attitude about his kids, and a positive outlook on life. He is an ex-alcoholic, but has attended two years of AA and counselling and is comfortable with where he is at now (it's been about 3yrs since he sorted his stuff out). He had some shit happen in his childhood that he dealt with and now he enjoys a beer for the sake of a beer, rather than as a tool to drown memories. Should I be concerned that he still drinks? We have discussed it. He is very open and up front with me, because that is how he likes it, and from the stories he has told I get the definite impression that his couple of beers an evening are nothing compared to how much he drank before (we watched the movie Pay It Forward, the mother in it has a drinking problem and he told me her behaviour was much the same for him when he was at his worst and trying to quit). I feel ok about it. I am not much of a drinker myself and when I visit him at his house I head for the kettle rather than the fridge. Since this relationship is a slow process I will have time to get to know him and his habits better. He gets on fine with my kids, and I with his, we have had a few 'family' meet ups and our kids got on fine. He's not Prince Charming, but I met that guy and he was a dick, so the side-kick will do me just fine :-)

Mum is still alive and seems to have a new lease on life. She had a boyfriend for a while, but he has recently moved away for work, so I'm not sure how that is going to end up. She has been back outside pottering in her garden again, which is wonderful to see, and she has quilts on the go and one that she completed recently that won her prizes at a quilt show. All good things.

Oh...derby...well...that calf issue I was having is Shin Splints, and it got to the point where I was in tears from the pain at every training session. So I have eased off on the skating alot. I am still involved in other ways, but not bouting. I attend training twice a week, only skate for one of those sessions, and last about an hour before my body has had enough. It is disappointing and had me heartbroken for a bit, but I am better now and finding a new place for myself within the league. Unfortunately the lack of exercise means my weight is creeping up and I am hovering close to three digits again (kept it off for nearly two years tho, yay me). I am struggling to bring my eating under control. Looks like I need to head back to Weight Watchers again.

Time slips on by

2010-04-03T21:23:00.002+11:00

and I don't even notice. Too busy to notice. I have logged into the blog a few times in the last six weeks and then got sidetracked and ran out of time to actually write.

hmmm...where to begin?

Work - my old government job called me and asked me to come and temp for them for six weeks. Timing could not have been better as I was sliding further into debt. Now I can crawl back out again :) So I have work till the end of this month at least. Still doing the catalogue drops, I actually like the 2hr walk (I sometimes run between letterboxes which gets a good sweat going). The pay is crap but I will need it when the temping finishes.

Uni - Loving it!!!! Loving the subjects that make me question my own parenting style and the way I look at children. Loving studying the history of Australia. Loving talking to other students about what we think. I am confident about my ability to research and write a decent essay so that takes a bit of the pressure off that other first years are experiencing.

Derby...hmmm...work and uni and kids are taking their toll on my energy and I have stepped back from derby a bit. Not skating as often, still going to training tho. I figure when work eases off I can pick back up again. Bought a skipping rope today to help strengthen my legs, particularly my calves as they are giving me a bit of grief at skating at the moment.

Kids - Toddler is lovely. No.2 is eating me out off house and home and nicking food when he has been told he can't have it. And yet he does not eat his lunch at school. I might have to phone the school and find out what he is doing during lunch that gives him no time to eat. Teen....meh...he can be a pain sometimes. But then again, not. He's handling the multiple hospital visits that we have had in the search to find out what is going on with his leg. He is somewhat helpful around the house. He is just so mean to No.2. Makes me so sad. I have no idea if it will ever change. I do understand that they are different personalities and that clashes will occur, but I just hate how rude/nasty he can be towards No.2.

Love...well....D is back in my life again. Not sure for how long or to what extent. We caught up the other day and spent hours talking about anything and everything and it was like there had never been a break. The connection we seem to have scares me. Letting him back in scares me.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

So we shall see.

Oh! My ex's girlfriend of 4 months is pregnant. How could he be so stupid? That was my first thought when he told me. Apparently it was a contraception issue (oh, really? What a surprise). I asked him when she was moving in and he quite adamantly said 'She's not'. I wonder how that mess is going to sort itself out.

What else....nope, think that is pretty much it :)

struggling

2010-02-19T13:33:00.002+11:00

It has been a tough month.

My oldest boy is undergoing tests for a lump in his leg that is giving him pain. The initial concern was cancer but the doc is confident that it is not that. However, he is unable to give a certain diagnosis so now we have to see a bone specialist. The emotional rollercoaster I am on regarding this is really taking it's toll on me.

My ex, for the most part, has not been an issue, however today (Friday) he has suddenly announced he can't have the kids this weekend because of work, and my weekend full of plans has just dissolved. He then posted on Facebook that he is going to concerts on Saturday and Sunday. I am not happy at all.

Financially I am struggling. When my ex let me know he wasn't having the kids my first thought was 'how am I going to feed them?' It is not that bad, but it was my first reaction. I am about to go back to uni full-time and I am wondering how the hell we are going to manage for the next couple of yrs. I am working delivering catalogues, I get about $3 an hour. Big change from my library job where I was on about $25 an hour. I am doing it because it is flexible and will fit with uni and kids and derby. It pays for derby and a bit of petrol, it takes a little bit of pressure off.

I question myself constantly, I am my own worst enemy.

Derby is helping. 200 people came to the first bout. I was in a second one on Valentine's Day and more than 400 people came to that one. I like the friendship, the teamwork, the physical challenge. I think I would be lost without it. If I did not have to turn up to training 3 times a week I would be in bed hiding from the world, or drinking myself into oblivion (except I can't afford the alcohol). It is keeping me sane right now.

still fine...

2010-01-23T21:49:00.002+11:00

still churned up over the ex having a girlfriend, and it is still about HIM having someone when I cannot find a man who actually wants to get to know me without stifling me.

lonely and...I don't know, but a bit messy on the inside.

I have my first real game of Roller Derby tomorrow. I am a little nervous but feeling good on my skates. The nervousness is more about how many people are expected tomorrow...around 200. I know once I start playing it won't matter cos my focus will be on the game. My boys are coming to watch, ex is bringing them. My mum and one of my bro's will be there and my best friend has traveled hours upon hours to visit and come watch me play.

I feel messy inside and I am glad I have something like Derby and exercise to focus on and take my head away from the messy space.

Fine....

2010-01-01T08:59:00.002+11:00

is what I say when things aren't really fine at all, but maybe I am still processing my options. Or I am just not fine.

Interestingly, I am not depressed. I am wallowing in a bit of self pity though.

What a way to start the New Year.

Since writing last I have had a date with another guy. Two dates in fact, that he asked me on. Looked promising. But...nothing. After the second date I never heard from him again. Bizarre. I puzzle over it now and then, especially as he would not reply to my texts and tell me what had caused him to disappear. It upset me a bit.

Also met a guy a couple of days ago, but I am pretty sure that won't lead anywhere. Nice enough, but I am not sure that I am what he is looking for.

So where does that leave me? Alone and lonely. Yep. Lonely.

To top it off, my ex has a girlfriend. I found out about her from my boys, they told me she and her two children had hung out with them over one of their weekends at dads. I am happy for him, but annoyed at the same time. How does HE find someone and I can't?

I was also annoyed/hurt at them playing happy families, because they were doing things that I had always wanted my ex to do with us, but he was too busy watching tv. Too busy being wrapped up in himself and his wants. God, he barely even dated me when we hooked up all those years ago.

Bring on the self pity.

He is bringing her with him today when he drops the kids off.

I got a letter in the mail saying that my license will be suspended for my screw up going round the round-a-bout. I have the option of good behaviour, and will have to take it as I cannot have no license. It means 12 months driving like I am supposed to, rather than 3 months with no license at all.

More self pity.

In the lead up to Christmas my family was being more challenging than usual. Half of them weren't even talking to each other. It made me annoyed and tired, but for the most part I stayed out of the drama. Come Christmas Day and everyone was behaving, thank God, as I really don't think I would have tolerated much.

It has been a challenging few weeks. I am a little tired of it all. I have been feeling unwell, suffering alot of indigestion. I vomit to ease the pain as pills and powders don't seem to work, and the last few times I have noticed blood. I know what I do is not smart, but it seems to be the only way for relief, to allow me to sleep. I have made an appointment with my doc, because apparently the blood thing is kind of serious, and I have cut some things out of my diet that I think make my indigestion worse.

Have had no skate time since our last session on 22nd December. Missing it like you would not believe. I have been to the gym a couple of times and can now run/walk 3km in under 30mins (aiming for 5km in under 30mins). Not doing much exercise other than that. Derby starts up again next Tuesday, I am really looking forward to it. I have managed to catch up with some of the Derby girls socially, which is truly a wonderful thing.

I feel so tired.

Pretty pleased with myself

2009-12-19T07:55:00.004+11:00

I have a love/hate relationship with weighing scales, the same as most women. Since I started my rather extensive exercise regime I have been weighing myself about once a week, with the expectation that the kilos would be dripping off me.

Not so.

In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.

BUT....

I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)

Equals overall - 21cm (8in)

As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.

At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.

I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!

Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.

My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.

No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.

Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.

So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.

About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.

I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.

hmmm

2009-11-30T13:52:00.004+11:00

I had a car accident on the 8th Nov. Just realised my last post was about me having a dream that included something to do with a car accident. Odd.

I wrote off the car though. I came out of a roundabout in the wet and the back end fishtailed, I panicked, hit the accelerator instead of the brake and ended up putting the car through a shop window. I came out of it ok, I ended up with a sore neck and back but x-rays ruled out any damage.

Maybe I should write that letter...

I now have a Toyota Camry a few years older than my last car, but low km's and good interior and boot space. I took it for a drive to Sydney recently and it handled it really well.

I got my P plates for my motorbike...YAY!!! The testing day was pretty stressful and I just scraped through, but I got it :-)

I started doing the Couch to 5km (C25K) challenge just before my car accident (I had done day1 week1). I rested for a week, then was back into Roller Derby training and did D2W1 of C25K. I was finding that my legs were getting pretty sore at around the 14 min mark. Today I did D3W1 and totally aced it :-D I think the difference was I spent 10mins on the stationary bike, then I went and stretched out my legs, then I did 10mins brisk walk as warm up before starting the interval training. I got to the mid point and felt really good, so began increasing the speed of the jog sections, from 7km/hr up to 8km/hr. Handled it well and completed the session, but decided to keep going. I ended up doing 4kms in 40mins, which I think is pretty good for someone who is not a runner.

Been chatting to G lately. He is 38, has shared care of 2 boys and seems like a nice, straight forward kind of guy. He was adopted, has one younger sister, both his adoptive parents have passed away (he does not know his biological parents). He was raised by his dad from when he was 13. We have talked on the phone a fair bit and today I met him in person. I liked him ok, he was talkative and seems uncomplicated, although he was a bit forward. If someone asked me to use one word to describe him I would say 'solid'. Not flighty, not moody, not intense. He is passionate about his boys.

Looks like I am 'doing' Christmas this year. I thought it would be a joint thing between mum and me, but that does not seem to be how it is turning out. Money is incredibly tight this year, so it looks like there will be a family present for me and the boys and then I will get them something little each. Teen's birthday is in January, so I will make that a bit more special. I think this is the only time when I miss the income of full-time work. Time to get creative.

Disturbed

2009-10-29T10:36:00.002+11:00

I am feeling very unsettled and emotional today.

Last night I dreamt of my own death. Well...I dreamt that I was dying (the impression I got was that I had been in a car accident and was terminal, but I was still mobile, so not sure what the actual injury was) and that I had chosen to be euthanised. In the dream I had been given the euthanasia drug and I was trying to get everything in order and write goodbye letters to my children, but my breathing was becoming laboured and I was struggling.

I woke up crying. I cried and cried and cried. I was afraid to fall back asleep. I was afraid I would not wake up again.

As I read this again I feel tears coming to my eyes. It has really upset me.

After the dream I wanted to get up and write those letters to my children, or just one big letter expressing just how much I love them and how great I think they are. I lay there and wondered how my friends would find out I had died, as I have different groups of friends who are not necessarily aware of each other. I wondered if I should leave my password to my computer somewhere, so that my msn and facebook and email files could be accessed.

This has really screwed with my already currently messed up head.

rollercoaster

2009-10-29T00:04:00.000+11:00

have had some upbeat moments, but generally I am still on a downslope. Feeling negative about my body, feeling negative about my relationships with people, just generally sitting under a black cloud.

I know it will pass, it just sucks when it is around because it makes me very unmotivated and lazy.

:-(

not impressed

2009-10-26T09:57:00.003+11:00

On a downer today, not a big one and I know it will pass.

Was slightly embarrassed by my mother yesterday. We had a family BBQ (which she organised knowing full well I had other plans that day). Anyway, she had invited my uncle and his kids along. My uncle runs a market stall in Sydney that focuses on organic and eco friendly products. My mother told me a week or so ago that she had spoken to my uncle about the Amigurumi I had been working on and that he was interested in seeing them and maybe putting them on his stall. So I made sure I had 5 ready and labeled and brought them with me to the BBQ. When I mentioned them to my uncle he looked a little confused. I asked him if mum had spoken to him about them and he said no and that it was not the kind of thing he would have on his stall as it is not in keeping with his other products. I was not bothered by this, but I was very annoyed with mum.

One of my brothers, the oldest, did not come to the BBQ. He does not talk to my uncle and at the moment he does not talk to one of the other bro's either. So he felt no guilt over not coming, it would have been unpleasant for him and he sees mum at least once a week anyway. When I spoke to him about it after the BBQ he told me mum had rung him that morning and used the line that he should come because it could be our last family BBQ. My bro just told her not to play that game with him. I have no idea how she took it because I managed to avoid having to have a big long discussion with her about why this bro had not come.

I get annoyed with her for manipulating people. For telling lies. For being a hypocrite. For bitching about everyone behind their backs. I spoke to my youngest bro about having to change my plans and he asked me why I came. I told him it was because it was important to mum and if I had not come she would have bitched about me behind my back about it.

This kind of behaviour irritates me. I would only put up with it from family, if friends behaved like this then they would not be friends for long.

sigh

omg, so much exercise!!

2009-10-24T21:02:00.002+11:00

I have discovered I like exercise...well, as much as you can like something that makes you sore and sweaty lol. After Roller Derby I feel...awesome. Tired and sore, but awesome. I used to feel the same when I went for my early morning walk/run.

Played my first game of softball today. Did not have much of an idea of the rules, but was able to hit the ball and run. I spent the fielding part of the game as the catcher and actually liked it, except the leg pads chafed the back of my knees pretty badly, and the ball hit my thumb a couple of times and its all bruised. But for the most part I managed to catch the ball and my throwing was generally good. We lost by 7 runs, which I thought was a pretty good effort considering we only had 7 players and half of us had never played before.

I have been thinking about doing the Couch to 5K challenge. I am starting pole dance (lol, but I thought 'why not?') classes on Wednesdays, so I am wondering if maybe that is a bit much. At the moment my schedule is...

Monday - Karate (1 1/2 hrs, moderate to intense)
Tuesday - Beach Booty Camp with the Derby Girls (1 hr, intense)
Wednesday - Dance (1 hr, intense) and Softball training (1 hr, moderate)
Thursday - Free
Friday - Roller Derby (2 hrs, intense)
Saturday - Softball (1 1/2 hrs, moderate)
Sunday - Roller Derby (3 hrs, intense)

That is 11 hrs of training per week. In 6 weeks I have gone from nothing to this!!! And yet I look at it and think that yes, I could do the C25K challenge. Knowing my recovery time for the other activities I would do it on a Monday or Tuesday, Thurs, and Friday. hmmm, I think I will wait and see how I go with the dance classes, maybe what I do already is more than enough.

Weight loss - well, I put on 3 kgs while working for the gov....grrr, but 4 months of sitting on your butt will do that and I am lucky that is all I put on. Scales had not moved for weeks so I measured last week instead and again today and have lost 4cms overall in the last 5 days. So then I weighed again and had lost 1.5kgs, so I am pleased to finally see that needle shifting again. Aiming for a loss of 10kgs and if I keep up this level of training (and make a couple of changes to my diet) I am pretty confident I will get there. Christmas is 9 weeks away, so there is a good chance I will reach my goal by then.

Work is going fine, I have one more training session to go and then I have been offered 9.5 hrs per week. Happy about that. I have a job interview with a child care centre next week for a casual job, hoping I get it as it will tie in well with uni. If I get it I will work both jobs for a while, see whether I am happy with the hours, and then decide what to do next.

Life is good. I am content.

no worries...mate :-)

2009-10-19T21:07:00.002+11:00

Well, the day before I was leaving for my besties I got a call from Baker's Delight asking me to come in for an interview the following week. Came back from my holiday on the Monday, had the interview on the Tuesday morning, got the call Tuesday afternoon asking me to start on Wednesday :-).

I have now done two trial shifts - 2 1/2 hrs on the Wednesday and 2 hrs today. My next shift is on Thursday and is 3 hrs. So far they seem happy with me. The work is casual and will be a max of 16hrs a week. I am actually finding that I quite like that idea. The pay is less than what I was on in my previous job, but it is enough to keep us above water and that is all I am looking for right now. Kind of makes me wish I had taken the casual library job when I first moved here, but I was not in the financial or mental position at the time to not have a permanent full-time job. Now I am over working full-time and have had quite a change in direction mentally, enough that being in a casual job really does not bother me. The work itself is not difficult, but it can get quite busy and that can make things challenging. Better than cleaning, that's for damn sure.

I liked being home for the kids this afternoon when they got home for school. I collected toddler from day care and took them all to the beach. A month ago I could not have done that and I love that I can (and the beach is free!). We had a lovely hour and a half down there before coming home to make hamburgers and cookies. It was a great afternoon.

I am loving Roller Derby. It challenges me physically and I really do love to be challenged :-) I have noticed improvement in my skating skills every time I have gone to training and it really gets me pumped up and keeps me keen to keep going. I am not at the level where I can participate in a Derby bout, but I think I will be by the new year.

I also love how passionate the Derby girls are about their sport. They love it and it really shows. I like these girls, they are feisty and fun and noisy. New friends!

I love having my boys home.

Hypocrisy

2009-10-06T14:01:00.005+11:00

The Parramatta Eels lost BOO HOO!! They have not won a grand final since 1986 :-(

My birthday party was fun. Had a couple of my bro's and their mates over for drinks on the Saturday night. We'd had plans to go clubbing later, but my foot was still giving me a lot of grief so I said I wasn't going and they decided they wouldn't either. We decorated my house with disco balls and sparkly things hanging form the ceiling, and set up strobe lights and disco lights. It looked very cool.

We drank Pina Coladas and Mango and Strawberry Daiquiris. We also drank a bottle of vodka and some red wine. We played Guitar Hero and Sing Star and had a good giggle at how we sounded. All in all a good night.

Hypocrisy. My mother is terribly guilty of this act and it frustrates me to no end. I sit and listen to her tell me how she has lectured one of my brothers on how important it is to accept people the way they are, and how you should accept that people have bad days and won't always have a smile for you...all this while she complains about how my bro does this or that, or how he did not greet her with a smile on a particular day etc etc. It also brought to mind an incident from a few years ago when we worked together. She had a go at me because I had not turned up to work with a big smile on my face (this is before opening hours, so she was the only one bothered by it) and when I told her that there were some days I just did not feel like smiling, she told me to get over it. It is difficult to listen to her go on and on when she is guilty of the very things she lectures others about.

She is showing favouritism between my brothers and I am disgusted by it. She claims it is because the middle bro is being so difficult, but I actually think half of his attitude towards her stems from being hurt that she treats him differently to the youngest bro, who she treats like her little 'sweetie'. For example, the younger two boys have moved out of home. So my mum packs up sheets and towels and plates etc for the youngest, but complains when the other helps himself, which he does after he sees that mum has given the youngest some stuff. What does she really expect?

I believe I show no favouritism. Regardless of what they all say about each other, my bro's are my bro's and are all different. I like bits about them, and don't like bits about them. I don't care if my mum has an opinion about it, I think she tries to play us all off against each other and I ignore her manipulations. I try to be open-minded and accepting of their choices, their mistakes are theirs to make and learn from.

I was discussing my mother's behaviour towards my bro's with a friend last night. Her mother has behaved much the same towards her. I daresay if I had stayed home long enough my mother would have done it to me too. My mother's opinion is that she was kicked out of home with nothing and so why should she help the boys, and yet with her actions she helps the youngest but does little for the middle. I hope I never behave towards my kids the way she has behaved.

The older bro has defended me when mum has attacked my parenting skills. We have discussed it in the car and he has said to me that he can see that I love my kids, that my kids know this, and that I have a good relationship with them. He told me that he wishes mum had done even half of that with all of us. It has not been until recently that mum has even said 'I love you' to me...that is 30 odd years of me not hearing those words from my mother. Our relationship was terrible up until about 7 yrs ago, then we managed to find a common interest in patchwork and build from there.

Parents make mistakes, there is no question of that. We muddle through as best we can, hoping that our kids will turn out ok regardless. There is no manual for parenting, no true guidance except that which we have experienced ourselves coupled with a willingness to learn from what others have done, or not done, as the case may be.

I had a slight bike accident nearly a week ago, where I dropped my bike (it hit a slight kerb and stopped unexpectedly). I burnt the inside of my leg on my bike's exhaust and it is healing, but slowly.

this is the day after the accident

It kind of looks worse now, at day 5, because it is healing. All that pink area blistered up, then partly peeled away, and the open wound is red now. The bruises are fading, I think they came from the foot pegs hitting my leg. I am not going to post a newer photo because it grosses me out, and I don't want to do that to you :-P

Had a ball at Roller Derby recently, my skating skills are really improving.

I have had a few guys try to pick me up/ask for my number recently. It is very flattering, but I have refused, simply because I am not interested. Nice to know there is hope for me in the real world tho :-)

What a Year it Has Been

2009-10-04T17:45:00.003+11:00

Well, I know that this blog has been going for more than a year, but it is a couple of days past a year that my X-H and I 'officially' went our separate ways, and it is a year since I met D, and it is a year since I began my journey of self-discovery.

And what a year it has been. A year of joy and laughter, of emotional and physical highs and lows. A year where I learnt things about myself that I had forgotten, and things that I never knew. A year in which I took time to smell the roses, then raced to beat the clock.

It has been an unforgettable time of my life, and in talking about it with others I have inspired one or two to begin their own journey.

I know that my journey of self-discovery has not ended, not by any means. Nor do I want it to end. Confronting myself has enabled me to become genuinely confident, more likely to put myself out there to try something or to meet someone new. That is not to say that I do not have my moments of hanging back and observing, but where is the fun in that?

I am glad to say that I still like myself. That I have made some interesting choices this year, but none that I really regret. That I feel more solid within myself. Even though there has been points where I felt like I would dissolve into nothingness, I have still come out the other side.

I will never, ever regret meeting D. I still believe he is my soul's other half, but I do not need him in my life as a partner. I do believe that a soul mate is a 'person' with whom you have a deep connection, regardless of whether they are male or female, or human for that matter. So I still love D, with all his faults. I do not mind that I love him, I do not mind that he is not my partner, I do not mind that he lives his life and I live mine. We are in touch and that is enough for me. I have come a long way mentally since I met him. I will forever treasure those few weeks in the beginning where anything was a possibility.

I am missing my children. X-H unexpectedly took them on holidays a week earlier (and therefore for a week longer) and I was not mentally ready to say goodbye. I have wandered aimlessly around the house a bit, but have also been quite productive too, simply to keep boredom and loneliness at bay. I have spoken to them on the phone, but it is their kisses and cuddles and neediness that I miss.

Took Teen to the optometrist before he went away and he now needs glasses. He is short-sighted like me, but only a little. Well, enough to have him squinting to read things. He also needs root canal work apparently, X-H took Teen to the dentist a couple of days after they went away, because Teen had a bad toothache, and the dentist announced that one of Teen's molars is screwed. The Dentist got Teen sorted out temporarily so I can deal with it when he gets home.

No work as yet, I have applied for 5 jobs. I am leaving applying for a cleaning job to the last minute as it is my last resort. I am going away to my best friends house on Thursday, for a week, so if I hear nothing between now and then I guess I will apply for a cleaning job when I get back. I just need to have a little bit more money coming in.

I am watching Melbourne Storm play Parramatta Eels (Rugby League). It is the only game I have watched all season, this is the grand final (WOO! go Parra!!!!). I have been 'following' Parramatta Eels since I was about 10 yrs old. A friend and I used to make friendship bands in the team colours and one day I just decided that the Gold and Blue of Parra was my favourite and so I have followed them since.

Time to tighten the Belt

2009-09-23T21:55:00.004+10:00

I fell badly on my first night at Roller Derby and sprained my ankle, well I think I sprained it, since I have never done that before I am not sure what it looks like. I still have bruising and swelling 5 days later, so damage was done anyway. Was pretty annoyed because I had been skating quite well for an hour and was just trying to get out of the way of the more experienced skaters. No exercise at all since Friday night.

Having a funny kind of day today. Feeling emotional. I finish up at my job tomorrow, and have no feelings about that as such, but I sat and did my budget today and was horrified to find that once I finish at work my outgoing will be greater than my incoming. I said to my colleague that I have no choice but to find some work to make up the gap.

Feeling frustrated about my foot.

Feeling tired and a little lonely.

Feeling jealous.

Trying to feel a little silly so the negatives don't weigh me down.

Afraid of being bored.

Afraid that boredom will have me saying yes to things I do not really want to do, just to fill time.

Wondering how the hell I am going to keep my head above water till there is some money coming in.

Oh, don't get me wrong, bills are paid in time and rent is weeks in advance, so I have things I can fall back on if need be, but that is really for emergency situations. But I hate thinking that I may have to rely on that at some point. I like feeling financially secure.

Ok, so you could say 'cut back, surely there is stuff there that can be got rid of' - yeh, like Karate and Roller Derby and Child Care - but I can easily justify keeping all of those things.

sigh...maybe I will have to try and get some cleaning work. Good Exercise =D

Teen is in trouble at school again for misbehaviour in the classroom. What the hell do I do?

The other two boys are fine.

My birthday shortly. I will be 32. I am told I look about 25 yrs old, so that will do me for now. Having dinner with my mum and my boys and one bro on Fri, then on Sat I am having a BBQ and drinks with friends and my other two bros. Might go clubbing after, but will have to see how my ankle is.

I asked my mum to buy me a saucepan and I asked the ex-H to organise the boys to buy me a new handbag.

Happy Birthday to me.

It gets to me at times

2009-09-15T20:27:00.004+10:00

Sometimes I am disturbed by the enquiries I have to handle in my job. Once, I had to talk to a woman who was experiencing emotional abuse, another time it was a woman whose son had died. Today it was a woman whose daughter was a young mum who had shown herself incapable of caring for her baby. The woman had taken in her grand daughter, but was now trying to make a decision about how to handle what her daughter was doing. I got off the phone and felt very very grateful I did not have a daughter.

I was a challenging teenager. I had left home by the time I was 14, to live with my older boyfriend. We had a baby together when I was 15, the baby boy died of meningitis. I had a second son, my now Teen, to the same man when I was 18, however we had gone our separate ways by the time Teen was born (my boyfriend was abusive and I had to get out).

I lost another son after No. 2 was born. I had gotten pregnant again unexpectedly, when No.2 was only a few months old, but miscarried when I was 5 months pregnant. I then lost another future baby the same year I fell pregnant with Toddler.

So the loss of children gets to me. Domestic violence cases get to me. Teen daughters who do the wrong thing by their family get to me.

I am ever grateful for the children I do have. I am thankful I had the strength to leave a man who only wanted to hurt me. I am glad that I do not have a daughter to fear for.

I have become good friends with one of my colleagues. We sit together and chat through out the day. We discuss our enquiries, assist each other with work, and share little bits of info about our family and our lives. Today at lunch she let me know that once we finish our contracts she is going into hospital for a while. I asked her why and she told me it was for depression. My heart ached for her. I would describe her as fragile. She is my age. We have lived incredibly different lives. She admires my strength and independence (I told her that it was not always a good thing to be so independent, that it is nice to lean on someone now and then). I envy her impeccable style, her freedom to travel, her life experiences have been so very different to my own.

I don't know why it is that people are so incredibly different in the way they cope with things.

I asked her if I could come and visit her in hospital, she said yes. I told her maybe I could turn up in my roller skates and do a demo for her. Or we could put her in a wheel chair and have races up and down the corridors! She laughed and I was so glad to see that smile. I shared with her my own experience of depression, I wanted her to know that I have felt the blackness, that I know how it can consume you and make you wonder why you even bother with life at all.

I miss D. Every day. I miss his smell, his touch, his smile. I think of him every day and wonder how he is. I hear from him now and then.

I do NOT miss D2.

Toddler is quite happy pottering along with his toilet training. I wish it had been this easy with No.2, mind you, it probably would have been if Ex-H and I hadn't stressed out so much about getting it 'right'. Lessons learnt hmmm.

Teen got into a fight the other day (it consisted of one punch each, the end, lol). Apparently the kid had been giving Teen a hard time and Teen bopped him one. I was ok with the whole thing, it sounds like it was justified and it did not get out of control.

No.2 has discovered Harry Potter books and has read 3 of them in 4 weeks. I am incredibly impressed.

My bro's have pretty much moved out of mum's place, in that they are not staying there anymore, but their gear is still there for now. They are going to share a place together and are moving into it next week.

I love music.

Went out clubbing with one of my bro's on the weekend. I danced non-stop for 3 hours, with my bro and one of his mates and a girl friend. I loved the music mostly, but they played one song 4 times, possibly they hoped everyone was drunk enough not to notice. I wasn't really drinking, so I noticed and was annoyed by it. I was exhausted by the time I got home (3am), but only had a couple of hours sleep before getting up and pottering around for the day. I felt ok, I was more tired the next day after I had had a decent nights sleep. My feet and knees hurt badly though, I blame that on my gorgeous high-heeled calf high boots, and I daresay I will suffer again.

me ready to go out...yes, my hair IS in piggy tails :-)

It is my birthday in a couple of weeks and I am having a bit of a party here at home. Should be fun.

Starting Roller Derby this Friday. Very excited about it. Training is twice a week. So between that and Karate and Softball (I sign up for that tomorrow) I will be doing a sport 5 days a week (Karate training is once a week, Roller Derby is twice, Softball is once, plus one game). I think I will lose about 10kgs by Xmas.

I have had better days

2009-09-08T18:56:00.003+10:00

The weekend was as busy as I expected it to be. I did not get the lawn mowed and my friend did not come over, but that was just as well cos I was pretty flat out. I got some lovely gardening done, got some veges into my back garden and weeded my front garden and got some mulch down. A bro and I painted the room at mum's and got it completely finished, so we were pretty happy about that. Next week I think we will be ripping up the carpet and replacing it with lino.

Had an unsettling dream last night. I was dreaming that I had gone back to high school and was studying maths and science but for some reason I had never started studying english or geography or history and all of a sudden exams were about to start and someone told me I should have been studying those other subjects. In the dream I was freaking out because I was afraid I was going to fail. I woke up before any thing was resolved and sat there considering how much I fear failure.

I do not like to fail. It is something that has come up for me before but I do not usually dream about it. I don't know why it has come up now. I am not happy about not being awesome at my job, but I don't love it anyway. I don't love that I am single, but I understand now why it is better that I am, at least for now. But I have not failed at these things. I don't know what to think. Maybe God just wants me to be aware of my fear.

I got the contraceptive implant in last week. It hurt alot after the local anaesthetic wore off. Why did I have it done? Well, I am over being on the Pill when I am not getting any sex, why would I want to remember to take a pill that is wasted on me. Plus I was getting a bit of discomfit with it. The implant is 3 yrs of contraception, so regardless of what happens I am safe from getting pregnant for that amount of time. I would prefer to be protected than not. The Doc told me that one of the side effects was increased chance of depression or mood swings. I was a bit concerned about that because I already susceptible, but after a week I am feeling fine, better than when I was on the Pill.

Oh, I had blood tests done last week too, because I am so damn tired all the time. It turns out I am very low in Vit B12. So I am back on my B Vit Supplements, which I have been taking off and on for the last year. I also boiled some eggs and will eat them with my lunch. I do not drink milk, it makes me feel yucky, but I am happy to eat meat. Probably should eat liver but that stuff is disgusting. My cholesterol is also too high, I need to stop eating so much chocolate.

Rang mum up today to ask to borrow her lawn mower. She started crying while we were talking because one of my bro's, who lives at home, has been giving her a hard time. We all think he should move out. Mum said he won't move out until she has paid him back some money she owes him. I offered to lend her the money to pay him back and as I made that offer I felt like crying. It is coming from money I am saving to buy a house. It is the third time I have tried to build up a nest egg and it seems like every time I get a bit of money together, something important comes up and I have to use some or all of it. So I was feeling a bit upset about that, but still made the offer because my bro needs to move out. My mum is really unwell and he is being a shit. I am worried she won't make it to Christmas if he stays. I know she will pay me back when she can.

I have put in a uni application. I have applied to do a Teaching degree that will allow me to teach 0-12 yr olds and also work as a teacher-librarian. It is about 4 yrs of study, but it will give me added quals and will enable me to be around for the kids and mum. No idea if I will work between now and when the course starts, guess I am just playing it by ear.

D2 posted recently that he was going on a date. I messaged him and told him I was happy for him, which I genuinely am. The day after the date he posted on his Facebook that he has never been happier. I felt incredibly insulted by that remark. Just 3 weeks ago he was professing his undying love for me, and now...now he has never been happier. WTF? I am not even remotely jealous, just insulted. I discussed it with a friend today, because I wondered if it was ok for me to feel that way, and she said it was and told me that he sounded very immature. She had a point. He was dating me only a couple of weeks after his marriage fell apart. I think he must be one of those guys who can't handle being alone.

Pffft...what weekend?

2009-09-03T20:48:00.002+10:00

I have not had time to go back to my quilt yet, or purchase the border fabric. I had thought maybe this weekend, but my originally quiet weekend has exploded.

Friday night I am going out with some of the girls from work. Then on Sat I am going to my first Karate lesson. I signed myself and the older two boys up for it last Sat. They went for their first try on Wednesday and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I am going on Sat because all the boys are away with their dad, then I will start going on a Wed with the older two and will get a bro to babysit. On Sat afternoon I am going to the movies with a bro. Sunday it looks as tho I will be painting a room for my mum, and then heading off to get the boys.

Somewhere in there I also need to mow my lawn and do some gardening, and there is a possibility a friend from Sydney might be coming for a visit. Hmmm, somehow I do not think I will be getting a sleep in this weekend.

I have sort of decided that once this contract finishes, if I do not get another extension, I won't actively seek work for a little while. I will have to budget carefully. I feel like I need to be around more for the kids.

Work in progress

2009-08-29T10:54:00.003+10:00

I started this Bargello quilt about 5 years ago. Life got in the way and it sat in pieces in a bag in a box for about 4 years. I would pull it out now and then and think about working on it, but it just seemed too hard.

I had some free time this week. I finally got my sewing machine set up and I pulled this quilt out again. I laid it out on my bed and committed to getting the top completed. I have finished piecing the main body of the quilt, as you can see, and now have to decide what border fabric to use. I am thinking a dark purple or blue to frame it.

Feeling pitiful

2009-08-25T22:43:00.002+10:00

Today's word for the day...numb. I wish I felt numb.

Ridiculous really, that I should be feeling pitiful, when it is my mum that is suffering. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to make peace with her. Goddamn we had some tough years, but I grew up, and she mellowed a bit, and we were able to find something to create a relationship out of.

F*** it.

I am not ready to lose my mum yet. Is any child ever ready to lose a parent?

Someone once said to me that it is better to lose a parent than a child. Having experienced what it is to lose a child, I guess I can see their point. At least you know your parent has lived a full life, whereas a child who dies young misses that opportunity, and you miss the opportunity of watching them grow and discovering who they are as a person.

I still say F*** it.

What brought this on?

Mum saw her specialist today, to get the results from tests done last week. The news was not good. She now has an aortic dissection on the left side, although it is not yet as severe as the one on the right. On the right side the severity of the dissection is the same, but the damage is spreading into the femoral artery and is also seriously affecting the right kidney. The specialist told her to just keep resting, avoid stress, and enjoy the life that she has. If the femoral artery gets further damage and splits...that's it. The end. Even if she makes it to the hospital in time to have surgery, she is not likely to make it off the table.

Guess the original hoped for ten years just got moved back a WHOLE lot. It's only been 3 1/2 months since the original dissection occurred and the fact that further damage has occurred is not what the specialist wanted to see.

Hence me feeling pitiful.

F*** it.

There is a twist at every turn

2009-08-24T20:44:00.003+10:00

Every Monday I take time to read Postsecret. Sometimes there is a secret there that particularly speaks to me. Today there were one.

It has a picture of a graph on it that shows the line peaking in the middle, then steadily dropping towards the right. Up the side reads 'age', and along the bottom 'chances of finding my true love and soulmate'. The secret states - "I'm sooooo afraid I've missed all my chances...and will end up alone and lonely".

I wonder about this, but slightly differently. I believe I once found my soul mate and I believe that we will never be together as a couple. My wondering is more along the lines of - do we only get a brief window of time to find someone to settle down with before it all becomes too hard to even try?

I have had two long term relationships. The first began when I was 13 and lasted 4 yrs, the second was when I was 21 and lasted 9 yrs. It seems my window was between the ages of 13 and about 27yrs, simply because now I feel like a long term relationship just asks too much of me.

I think people are also affected by their life paths. I have focused on matters which have taken me away from social scenes and as such feel like I have not had the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. Meeting people is what creates the opportunities to find someone to settle down with.

I resorted to online dating, with some success, but it is not an ideal way to meet someone. I chose that method because I did not have the time or energy to pursue extra-curricular activities. Now...now I know that not having that time or energy affects my ability and desire to have a full-time relationship with someone.

I do not really want to end up alone and lonely. I guess it is all about perspective. If I have a cat, will I be lonely? If I have grandchildren who come visit, will I be lonely? Will the empty house echo back at me and make me feel lonely? Will I fill my life with activities and people that will enable me to enjoy the peaceful haven that my home is for me?

I like that the future is unknown. I feel like I am on a journey that has a myriad of twists and turns, and even the bad brings with it some good.

work...a week ago today my two colleagues and I, who were to be out of a job as of today, were offered another month's employment. I actually spent two days considering the offer before saying 'yes'. At least I have some money coming in while I look for other work. I have applied for two jobs so far.

My best friend had a miscarriage last Thursday. She has two healthy boys, this was her first loss. She sounds ok over the phone, a bit disappointed more than anything. I am sure there is another bubba for her in the future.

I have come to the decision that there will be no more bubba's for me. I am enjoying watching my boys grow and finding that I do not have baby lust at all any more. I do not envy the parents their sleepless nights, lol. I do look forward to being a nanna in ten years or so.

Moving right along....

2009-08-15T21:49:00.004+10:00

My apologies for being absent for so long.

You may recall this post from June. Well, unfortunately I never became smitten, nor did I swoon, and even worse (in my opinion), I did not lust.

D2 is a lovely guy. He wanted to treat me like a princess. He wanted to spend alot of time with me, and with my boys. He wanted to make sure I knew how he felt, by telling me at least 10 times a day (hang on, let me think...5 texts in the 40 mins it took me to get to work, 2 texts by morning tea, at least 1 by lunch, two more by the time I left work, and then 3 or 4 before bed time...hmm that adds up to 13ish...every weekday). He wanted to talk constantly about how badly he was treated by his ex, and how incredibly lovely and wonderful and gorgeous I was. He wanted to do things for me to make my life easier, and to watch me doing the things that I do to get through each day. He could not bear to be apart from me.

God that makes me tired reading it. But still, he was/is a lovely guy. He will make someone very happy one day...but not me.

I ended it this Thursday just gone. Lay there in bed with him and said it was over. Told him that after nearly 2 months I still had not developed any feelings for him other than friendship. Told him that it was best if he got his things and went that day. He did not cry (he has in the past, when he thought I was annoyed at him, which I was, and the crying did not help), he did not cry then, but he was unhappy.

I felt relief.

The realisation that I must end it had come to me the day before, Wednesday. D2 had met me for lunch at my work (he would have done this every day if I had allowed it) and we discussed various things to do with his house and work and ex. Then he pointed out that now that I would no longer be working (more about that shortly) we could go for walks together and spend alot more time together. When I heard that the thought crossed my mind that I could not think of anything worse than spending MORE time with him (I was seeing him most days and every weekend). I spent the afternoon and evening considering that thought and realised that I had to end it and sooner rather than later. If I felt that way after 7 or so weeks then there was no future for us.

So Thursday morning it was.

He is mostly out of my life. He is keen to stay friends but I am keeping my distance at the moment. He texts me now and then through the day and sometimes I answer, and sometimes I don't.

Work...
do you recall that I was on a three month contract. Well, me and 3 others in our team were in the same position. Turns out that E-Services only got funding for one more permanent position, and I did not get it (the best man won and all that). So 3 of us are now out of a job as of 24th August.

I actually don't care too much. I was stressing about how I was going to pay my rent, but then I got my tax return and so I put most of that towards rent. That way I have at least a month to either get part-time work, or get a handle on my finances. I only want part-time work, I am concerned about mum's health and keen to be around a bit more for the kids, plus it would give me time to keep on top of house work and such like. Anyway, I am just chilling now and feeling fine about life at the moment.

Toddler, my baby, turns 3 tomorrow. He is such an awesome little bloke. We have just started toilet training and I feel quite positive about it. He loves to sing and dance and read and he makes me smile and laugh every single day.

Teen is...a teen, lol. He wants to sleep all day and stay up all night, he smells and he is awful to No.2. But he is good to me, he still hugs and kisses me, and we get on quite well most of the time.

No.2....hmmm...bit challenging at the moment, but I recall that Teen was the same at the same age. Still doing well at school and is getting more interested in reading.

We all have push bikes now (other than Toddler, who will double with me), so in the near future we are going riding. Could be a good experience...or not, lol.

It is a Vivaldi sort of day

2009-06-30T17:48:00.002+10:00

When I am not so great I like to listen to Vivaldi.

My head feels messy tonight, for various reasons...

I find myself missing D, yet I cannot figure out why I am missing him as I have had so little to do with him for so long. I do not want to miss him, he does not deserve that attention.

I was irritated this morning, D2 stayed over and followed me around a bit while I was getting myself and the kids ready for work. He has asked me a couple of times about my morning routine and when he asked me again this morning I was a little snappy because I felt like he was trying to know every move I make. I do not want to have to justify how I organise my mornings, or timetable what I do in the morning, for anyone.

Work was not so great, we were given a new task that was boring, but necessary. I got feedback for stupid mistakes that were based on lack of knowledge that could have been passed on by our trainers, so that annoyed me too. Was glad to find out I was not the only one making the mistake, but it has created more work for me tomorrow morning. I have fairly high expectations for myself and I guess I need to relax a little about that.

I feel like I want to eat choc and drink wine, then go hide in my room for the rest of the evening. Of course that is not really an option. I have choc, so will indulge, then will complete my housework and mummy stuff and relax with a movie or book.

I am reading New Moon again by Stephenie Meyer. The movie comes out soon and I wanted to refresh my memory of the book. It is actually kind of hard to read because when Bella talks about the intensity of her feelings for Edward I am reminded of how I felt for D. It is a challenge.

I am enjoying spending time with D2. It appears that he feels about me the way I felt about D last October/November. D2 is already using the 'L' word and talking about missing me when he does not see me. I cannot even begin to claim to feel the same way, so I refrain from such declarations. I quite happily say that I like him alot and enjoy his company, but I am not in any sort of rush to jump into a full on relationship. He would like to spend every night with me, but no way is that happening any time soon, and this morning is a good example of why I should not rush it. He has met my mum, and he will meet my best friend on Sunday. I would have been quite happy to not see him till Sunday, but I have said he can visit on Thurs. I like the cuddles, lol, and as I have already said, I do like his company.

D2 has to sell his house in the next couple of months to pay out his ex and I can see him possibly pushing to move in when that happens. Well, no, he will not be moving in, certainly not this year and not so soon after meeting him. We have talked about a trip to Fiji in Dec/Jan, this is something I would love to do and so I will see how we are at that stage. Maybe when we come back from that I will know whether I want to live with him.

Well, why not, I deserve it!

2009-06-27T07:03:00.002+10:00

Have spent quite a few hours with D2 (he has the same initial as the previous guy, diff name tho) now and am find that I don't want to say goodbye, and neither does he. I am enjoying the attention and looking forward to seeing where things with us go.

My ex got back into Sydney on Wednesday, so this weekend I am kid free and loving it. I kind of feel a little guilty saying that, but I need the break and I will be happy to see them tomorrow. Looking forward to next week when my bestest friend and her hubby come to stay, we are going to the Pink concert WOO!!!

No.2 got an awesome school report so I have to think of a way to acknowledge that, maybe go bowling. Still waiting on Teen's report.

I am enjoying work now. The training has been intense and tiring, and is not over yet as we continue to develop our skills on the job. I do not love sitting at a computer for 6 hrs a day, and I really need to watch my eating and exercise or I will put the weight back on. I can see myself doing this job for awhile tho.

Waiting to see

2009-06-21T22:43:00.003+10:00

I met what seems to be a genuinely nice guy today. He is 30, no kids, was in a 9 yr relationship, married for two. Works as a manager at a local supermarket. Has been to Tasmania, QLD, Vietnam and Fiji. Likes fishing, camping and 4wdriving. Is interested in Astronomy. Has a med sized dog called BJ. I like him, enjoyed his company enough to spend 3 hours talking to him and arranged to meet up with him tomorrow night. He is a little taller than me, overweight, has lovely eyes and a nice smile. Seems pretty together and in the same frame of mind as me - life is for living.

I now have new things to add to my 'to do' list
go to Vietnam and Fiji
Snorkelling
Fishing from a boat
Sleeping under the stars
Snuggling on the lounge watching a movie with someone other than my kids

I am not smitten, I am not swooning, and I am not lusting...yet :P

Speaking of all of the above...D
I have not seen him in person for about 3 weeks. I am not bothered by this. I believe he has found himself a girlfriend and I was ready to move on. I realised that I felt like I was in my marriage again - being neglected and feeling more alone in a 'relationship' that when I am not in one. He did not deserve my affection. We have chatted online a couple of times, but as friends now rather than as lovers or anything else. I am comfortable with where things are at now.

Work has finally started to get more interesting and I am looking forward to this week as we start actually serving customers from Thursday. It is a little exciting and scary at the same time.

Week 2

2009-06-05T22:03:00.004+10:00

is over. I am feeling good about the job so far. I am part of a brand new team that was created to handle a service that was previously being handled by the call centre division, but which has grown so much it needs it's own team. The 9 of us who are left in the training room (the other 8 have been moved into different areas) will be the team and we are all pretty keen to get started. We have about 2 more weeks of on the job training.

No.2's birthday this weekend.

Oh, had to LOL, D messaged me saying he thought I should let him go, then 24 hrs later messaged me to ask if he could see me. Sounds like exactly what I did a couple of weeks ago. How silly and screwed up are we both?! Saw him, enjoyed his company, and thought nothing of it. Might see him again, might not. Either way, I am back on the dating sites and getting approached by undesirables LOL.

Going out clubbing with my bro's tomorrow night, really looking forward to it. Tried on some clothes last night and ended up with this look...
Not bad hmmm...?

....

2009-05-29T20:37:00.002+10:00

"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap." (Cynthia Heimel)

Somewhere in my future is a happy ending. It is not here and now.

I am actually predominantly happy. I am sad about my relationship situation, or lack of, but my life is actually rather good and I feel positive about the future.

My first week in my new job is over. There is alot to take in, but I find it rather easy and I feel good about my participation in my training so far. Definitely did the right thing by not holding out for casual library work, the school rang the other day and offered me work in two weeks, not the regular 2 days per week I had initially expected. I could not have coped with the lack of job security. I do wish that my new job was permanent, but I fully expect to be offered something in the future.

I freely admit that I am a fool

2009-05-24T02:43:00.002+10:00

yep. Guess how long I lasted with my 'walking away' from D. A week...three days...

A day and a half.

I am a fool. I am weak. I desire him. I allow myself to be treated poorly.

Why?

Because I am a fool, because I am a woman and like many women, I am weak when it comes to matters of the heart.

I spent a couple of hours talking to him tonight, in person. Actually, it was 3 hours. He brought up the subject of us, and me saying I no longer wanted to see him. He talked about how much he cared for me, how he wanted me in his life, how scared he was of the worst happening so that he walked away instead of forward. How his 9 yr old son was the most important person in his life and how scared he was that his son would reject him for being happy, for playing happy families with me and my kids. How guilty he felt for choosing not to stay with his son's mother, because he knew how bad it would be if he did.

I told him I could do nothing for his guilt, that was his stuff. But I asked him if he realised that his son would be welcomed and accepted. He did not question that, he fully understood, but he is afraid of his son hating him for spending time with my kids, when his son could not live with him. I told him that it was entirely possible that his son might throw that at him, but should D miss out on his own, potential, happiness because of it. He said he would make that sacrifice if he had to. Goddamn this man frustrates me. I said that to him too, lol.

We have hit yet another crossroads, I think. This time I pushed for him to make time for me. Yes, I know, I should not have had to do that, I told you, I am a fool. In the past I have been easy going about his behaviour, but I reminded him that I had reached the point, with saying to him that I was walking away, where I was not sure I was going to hang around any longer. He said to me, as I left, that he would make time for me this week. I almost could not believe my ears. And I got into my car thinking 'I will believe it when I see it'. He has made me a sceptic.

As I sit here thinking about our talk, which covered alot of areas, not just us, I think that this is what it could be, two intelligent people enjoying each others company. We know the physical attraction is there, we know the passion is there, but neither of us know whether there is a future there, and yet when we are together we can see glimpses of the possibility. I am prepared to take the risk and he is still standing at the front door wondering whether he should put a raincoat on in case the sunny day turns bad.

sigh.

I am tired. I am uncertain. I am annoyed.

Not as good as thought

2009-05-19T19:33:00.003+10:00

I drove mum to see her specialist last night, I dropped her off and picked her up and we talked in the car about what he told her. The news was not particularly good. There has been no improvement in her condition since she left hospital. The doc told her she is lucky to be alive, she should in fact be dead due to the severity of her condition. He reiterated the need for her to take it easy. Nothing more can be done for her other than careful monitoring by herself and her family doctor. The doc told her that it would only take something very little to send her back into ICU, or kill her. Mum is taking it a bit more seriously now.

After I dropped her off I drove home, crying the whole way. I felt very alone.

I spoke to her today, she told me of some things she is doing to monitor how much she can do and I gave her a hand with the housework. We talked about my 2 youngest bro's attitudes and how perhaps they did not realise the severity of mum's condition, because she has not outright said to them, 'if I overdo it, I will die'. I spoke to my oldest younger bro today (I have three) and he said that he was not surprised by the specialist's words and that he fully expected her to not come out of hospital originally. He also said that he is prepared for the likelihood that she will die within the next year or so and we briefly discussed what we thought might happen with the younger two bro's, in terms of care (they are adults, but rather naive about the real world).

My tremors
I spent some time reading about Essential Tremor tonight. I still think that this may be what I have. I am beginning to notice what things may set it off...

stress - I actually think this is what originally triggered the tremors, back in November last year. These days I notice that when I am feeling particularly stressed the tremors are more obvious.
heavy lifting
sex
tiredness
riding my motorbike - this morning I rode my bike for about 10 minutes, to take it to get a service. When I got there I could barely write my name and ph. number because I was having difficulty with shakes and muscle weakness.
Driving my car for long periods - I started noticing that after my 2 hr drives to and from mums (when I lived in Sydney) I would feel very shaky.
Coca Cola - also makes me feel nauseous, but I have been noticing that if I drink as little as a glass of coke my tremors are slightly worse.
Chocolate - too much of it can affect me. I also noticed that it affects my typing, my spelling becomes embarrassing (for me anyway).
Exercise - sometimes. I have been doing a run/walk most days this last week and this morning was the first time I noticed an issue, so I could have been more susceptible because of yesterdays stress.

Right now I feel like I am shivering on the inside. My hands are shaking a little and occasionally I can feel an odd twitch. When I walk around I feel a bit jumpy. Some of the video clips I have found show a much more severe tremor, both in the arms and head. I need to find myself a Dr up here and get referred to a Neurologist. There is no cure, but if it worsens I can go on medication.

time to move on

2009-05-16T12:52:00.004+10:00

Yesterday I broke it, whatever 'it' is, off with D. I am hurt and disappointed, but I feel stronger for having been the one to make the decision to walk away. I wasted quite a few months hoping for a proper relationship with him. I am not depressed about it, which is a relief, but I am sad. Sad is healthy. I have headed back to the dating site I use and hopefully I will start dating again in the near future, with a much clearer idea of what I want and expect.

I have started going for a walk/run early in the mornings. The urge has been upon me for a long time, to start doing something like this, and so this week I got myself out of bed in the cold and dark, got outside and did it. I have discovered I really enjoy it and that I want to continue. I have exercised 4 days in a row, then took this morning off and found that I missed it. I go out early because I am trying to do it while the kids are still asleep. My youngest wakes anytime from 6.30am, so I make sure I am home by then. I am usually only gone for 30 mins. I am hoping to get to the point where I am running the whole route, so that I have to do it twice to get the full 30 mins. It is a goal.

I am down to 90kgs. I am pleased about this and am aiming for 85kgs before reassessing. I think my arms need attention, so will need to purchase some dumbbells, or buy heavier tins of food, lol.

I brought my motorbike up from Sydney recently and while I haven't been working I have had the pleasure of spending some time on it every day. I will be starting full-time work shortly and so my time on the bike will be severely limited.

Work - I got offered the government job that I had applied for while in Sydney. It is a customer service role, which I am suited to, but is not in a library. I had the option of taking casual library work at a high school, but I decided that I do not like the uncertainty of casual work. The gov job is good pay, standard hours, and will be interesting. I am on a 3 month contract. I do not mind this as I fully expect to be offered a permanent position at the end of the term. It also gives me a chance to see if it is a position I would like to continue in, without being fully committed for a long term.

Mum's condition appears to be stable and she seems to be managing basic household chores fine, or with minor help. I am now going over every second day to help with household stuff, but I still speak to her every day and will often pop in on my bike just to check on her.

The kids are settled in to school and are making friends. Teen is proving popular with the girls. Toddler is attending family day care and has settled in so much better than I had anticipated. He goes to two carers and seems to like both, and I like both of them just fine. I am glad to have had the time to attend to all of this before beginning work. I am definitely ready to get back to work, I am getting bored.

Learnt something new about myself

2009-05-07T14:06:00.003+10:00

well, besides the fact that I have discovered that I LOVE lacy/girly underwear, in MATCHING sets...

sheets.

I have a queen bed. On my bed is a matching set of good quality sheets, with pillowcases. Today they needed a wash. I went to my linen cupboard and pulled out a set of sheets I thought MIGHT be queen size, but which I discovered were double (they definitely did not fit). I went back to my linen cupboard and found that the only queen size sheets I had were not matching and neither sheet had matching pillowcases.

I refused to put them on my bed.

Since when did I become so pedantic? Picky? Hmmm, possibly when I discovered about 6 months ago how much I LIKE matching sets, things that go together, and quality. Now, I do not have a lot of stuff (in comparison to my mother who has far too much and all mismatched), and what I do have is generally good quality.

I kind of made a promise to myself, when I moved out of my ex's home, that I would not settle for crap anymore. I had the money to buy solid, usable, furniture new, and to buy my basic needs new too. So I bought myself 2 very nice towels and a set of nice sheets (and a bit of lovely underwear :-P).

But now I realise I need to buy another set! I do not mind that I like matching and quality, I figure I deserve it after years of living out of op shops, and when I can afford it I am happy to buy the things I need. I do not mind waiting a week or two for something that makes me feel like my home is how it should be, rather than settling for any old thing.

Why not have less and be glad of it, than have much and feel burdened and cluttered (besides the fact that it is an unnecessary waste of money)?

Forgot to mention

2009-04-30T22:28:00.002+10:00

D.
He was in his non communicating state again for a couple of weeks, so I did not have much to do with him. Sent him the occasional text and left it at that. Moved up here a week and a half ago, finally caught up with him on the 28th, spent a few hours with him. He appears to be withdrawn again, in that he said he does not think he is ready for a relationship. I reminded him that we had talked about this already and that we had decided we were just going to take it slow and see how things went, so then he seemed more willing to talk. I kind of feel like I cannot be bothered with him right now, my attention is on my family and on getting work etc. So him being quiet is not bothering me. I am happy to spend time with him if he wants it and I can fit it in, but right now that does not matter so much to me.

Perhaps I will get to a point where I can't be bothered at all anymore with his moods. For now I am working on being open to possibilities and keeping my focus on my family, where it is needed.

update

2009-04-30T21:38:00.003+10:00

On Saturday 25th April I enjoyed my first night in my new home. I could hear no sirens and barely any traffic. It was great to be back in my own bed again. I was really over being at mum's house, it was very crowded and she has alot of stuff, so on top of being people crowded I also felt very cluttered and like I was tripping over stuff all the time. So I left and felt much better for it.

The docs allowed mum to come home on Monday 27th. The aortic dissection now runs from her leg right up into her neck. It has bypassed her heart but has affected her kidneys. I cannot even imagine how she must feel physically. I know she has a bit of pain at times and she is obviously run down. So at home I sat with her and sorted out her medication for the next few days, she has to take a hell of a lot of different things. I found this a little distressing. I also went over how to use her blood pressure machine with her, it is not too complicated. She will be allowed to drive, but not very far, and no lifting anything over 10kgs, so that means no more lifting Toddler up. There are other limitations that I am sure she will discuss with us over the next few days. I can see from watching her that she tires very easy at the moment, and that she has to take it all very slowly. It is hard to see my mum less than the vibrant, powerful, woman that I have always viewed her as.

I thought her biggest challenge would be recognising her limits and asking for help, but in actual fact it seems that her challenge is to not sweat the small stuff. She stresses over everything. Today she was in tears because my bro's did not do something immediately that she asked them to. I mean, come on, people have other stuff to do, and it will get done, but she was getting all upset cos it was not done when she thought it should be. We all just want her to relax, but I do not think she actually knows how to at this stage.

I took her out today, she had a couple of jobs she wanted done. We went to the library first, then to the post office and the supermarket. She was exhausted by the time we were finished at the supermarket and when we got home she laid down and did not get up again until dinner, then went back to bed after dinner. Her blood pressure is not behaving, the lowest has been 98/45 and the highest has been 145/73. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow so I hope she will discuss this with him.

I am pretty tired emotionally and physically. I feel like I am running two households at the moment, which I can handle, and being bossy, which I am not enjoying. I have little cry's now and then when I am alone and I feel so sad about mum that I cannot keep it in. Her and I had a chat while she was in hospital and she has been given a reduced life span, a max of ten years IF she reduces her stress and manages her blood pressure well. It is hard for me to face her mortality, especially when she is only 55 years old, still young.

I am still waiting to hear about the Centrelink job. I did the medical last Friday, so it will have been a week tomorrow and they told me that they would want people to start in the first week of May, I am kind of bothered that I have not heard yet. I may not love the idea of working at Centrelink, but I like to work and I am getting a bit itchy about not having a job. I am starting to think I might have to apply for benefits, which I am really trying to avoid. I have enough money to last me another two weeks.

The older boys had their first day at their new schools today. Teen was Mr Popular which he thought was highly amusing and he had only good things to say about his classes. No.2 made friends and was happy with his day. Toddler starts Family Day Care on Monday, he will go three days per week until I start work, then I will line up some other care for him. He is going to freak. He is so clingy these days, that on top of everything else makes it really tiring. He is constantly coming to me for hugs and if I go into another room he comes and finds me, every single time. If I get out of the car and don't take him with me he cries. I am not looking forward to the adjustment period.

Well, I guess that is it for now.

Not looking good

2009-04-22T07:04:00.002+10:00

Mum suffered an Aortic Dissection
http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec03/ch035/ch035c.html

Surgery is not an option and medication is not helping her. She has been awake and alert most of the time, but gets tired very very quickly. The doctors cannot get her blood pressure stabilised and each time it goes crazy it does more damage to her insides. Mum is confident, I am not. She says 'when she gets out of hospital', I say 'if'.

If she gets out of hospital her life will be controlled by her blood pressure machine and medication and her independence will be reduced greatly. All of us will find this challenging.

Today is the day I leave Sydney as my home.

crap crap crap

2009-04-13T22:38:00.002+10:00

got a call tonight to say my mum is in intensive care. Apparently she came banging on my bro's bedroom door, doubled over in pain. He got the neighbour to take them to the hospital and they discovered she has a tear in a vein that runs from her heart to her leg.

Needless to say, I am freaking out a little and feel emotionally screwed up. I also feel useless, my bro says there is no need for me to be up there at this stage cos she will be in hospital for a few days, but I still feel like I should be doing something. Plus I want to talk to her myself, but she is all doped up on morphine for the pain.

This is not even something related to why I am moving up there. That was to do with her having a biopsy and driving herself home, that prompted me to move sooner rather than later.

Saw my house yesterday cos the owner happened to be there when we stopped by and was happy to let us take a look. It is ok. The bedrooms are smaller than here at my apartment, but the rest of the place is similar. It will do.

My wednesday rhymetime group threw me a surprise goodbye party. I had to leave the room to collect myself. I was really overwhelmed that they did this.

Still no job as yet, but that is now a good thing. Got schools organised for the older two and possibly a few days of care for Toddler.

what a relief

2009-04-07T21:18:00.002+10:00

I have a house. I will be moving in the same day I sign the lease lol, but will do a drive by this weekend.

Now to get schools sorted and get myself a job.

Have been pretty sad today, this was my last Tuesday Rhymetime and so I said goodbye to a number of my mums and bubs. Some of the kids I have watched grow from small babies in to cheeky toddlers, I have been so lucky to be a part of that.

I tell you what, I will NOT miss Bookclub with the primary school kids. Some of them are little horrors.

Tomorrow will be sad for me too, it is the last Wednesday Rhymetime.

he's not such a baby anymore

2009-04-06T15:04:00.005+10:00

Having a day where I just get to hang out with the kids is really special. Weekends have been so hectic lately that I have really neglected to make any quality time for them.

So we spent Sunday chilling together, chatting and playing around, lots of cuddles, watching movies etc. I took the younger two to the park in the late afternoon. No.2 climbed everything as usual :-) and spent a long time swinging. Toddler/Boy explored, tried out everything, and proved to me that he is no longer a baby so much.

There was a rope ladder at the park, fixed to a frame. Twice he climbed it with me standing behind him, ready to catch him. He had no trouble negotiating the gaps between the rungs. On the third time he told me to go away. 'Go away mummy, me do it!' was what he said. I won't say my heart broke, but it cringed a little as I realised that he was confident enough and capable enough to do it himself. He did not 'need' me anymore, not for this. I watched him from a seat a short distance away, and saw that he was a little boy, growing every day right before my eyes.

While I do not love one above the other, my Toddler/Boy has been my joy. He is laid back and generous and loving. He is sweetness and stickiness and noisiness. He is smoochy kisses and squeezy hugs. Even grumpiness passes by like a cloud. He does not like to be in trouble, preferring to push the boundary, then do as he is told when he sees he is not going to get away with it.

I was struck with the desire for another baby. I have not felt this way for quite a while now, being focused on so many other areas of my life. But I find that having my baby grow up leaves me wanting. Perhaps it is that I love to be needed, and while all of them need me to some extent, it is not the same as a baby/toddler. I am not saying I want a baby right now, or even in the next year, but I would like to think that maybe another one is a possibility in the future.

D and I discussed children a few months ago. He was interested in the possibility of us having a child. Then things went pear shaped for us and it has not been discussed again. It will not be discussed again until we are much much further along in our relationship. Perhaps he will be like most men and be just another little boy and I won't want the burden of a baby as well. Perhaps I will look into the fostering again instead. Perhaps I will just enjoy my children and my family and continue to look forward to the day my children have their own.

Teen has been rather challenging lately. But he came to me the other day and told me he was interested in working in child care because he likes little kids. He babysat for me on Saturday and I was satisfied with how he went. I would like to encourage him and see whether this is something he could do long term. It would certainly provide him with a small income.

Teen likes - to read, play his keyboard, use the computer, watch/listen to comedy skits, wrestle with his mates, play the PS2. When we move I would like to encourage him to do mountain biking and rock climbing. I, and my brothers, have an interest in these things and it would be lovely to have something to do with Teen that is away from the house.

No.2 would also love rock climbing, I have never seen a kid that loves climbing as much as he does! If there is a tree in a park, then he will do his best to disappear up it, lol. He is not so interested in reading, but he does read now and then. He likes to feel useful, he likes helping my mum around the house and in the garden. He likes to learn and has a curious nature.

I feel like I have not taught my kids as best as I could so far, by this I mean showing them how to seek out information for themselves, how to find out, how to follow through on their curiosity.

But there is no time like the present to begin.

some improvement

2009-04-05T23:04:00.002+10:00

No house and no job, but I am feeling ok at the moment. I am waiting to hear back from Centrelink. I have three or four applications in for housing. I am hoping some things will be resolved this week.

It gets a little tiring being a friend sometimes. I find myself having to hold my tongue to some extent. I have to remind myself that I am not walking in their shoes, I have not lived their life. My reactions to things are not the same as theirs might be. So I hold my tongue and listen and be supportive as best I can.

Had a BBQ yesterday to catch up with some friends and say goodbye to them. It was lovely. I was exhausted by the time they left. Got piccys tho, which I may eventually post here :-)

Not so great today

2009-04-01T20:28:00.002+11:00

Feeling rather stressed about the housing and money situation. Yet to lock down a house. Sat down and worked out my budget for if I do not get a job and it is going to be really tough. And I mean really tough. It also looks as if I am going to have to pay more for a rental than what I had budgeted for, which is not going to help things.

So, in other words, I really need a job. By moving up there and not working my income will be down by $700 per fortnight. That is alot and very ouchy.

Feeling depressed. Can feel myself wanting/needing to withdraw.

I made her tell me

2009-03-28T20:25:00.003+11:00

I phoned my mum on Thursday night and asked her to tell me more about what was going on with her. She has this tendency to not tell me anything until long after the fact. Like on Monday, the one just gone, she mentions that she had to go to the doctor for some antibiotics. I asked her why and she quietly announced that she had had some day surgery a couple of weeks ago and the area had become infected. She told me it was nothing I needed to worry about. Then she changed the subject.

It preyed on my mind for a few days, especially when I mentioned to a nurse friend on Thursday that mum had had the day surgery and she said that perhaps I should find out a bit more.

So I rang mum Thurs night and said that because I did not know why she had had the surgery I was worrying and I would appreciate it if she could fill me in. And she did.

Apparently the doc found some cysts on her ovaries, they did a biopsy and she is now waiting for the results. There was also something to do with her bladder but she seemed to skim over that and I did not push. I asked her if she had caught a taxi home and no, the b.....y woman sat in the surgery for a couple of hours, reading a book, until the nurse said mum could drive home. Oh, she makes me so cranky. Anyway, nothing can be done right now, but I shall be glad to be closer to her.

I am sad for other reasons today. As I get closer to leaving my job I realise how much I am going to miss the people, and the books, and the book talking. I really truly love working in a library and I really truly want to end up back in one. How is yet to be determined.

If I get this job at Centrelink I will be dealing with, for the most part, unhappy people. I wonder if I should hold out for a different job, or whether I should look on it as an opportunity to hone my customer service skills. I haven't even got the job yet, lol. Would it be better to be unemployed for a while? So many questions run through my mind.

Do I question my decision to move? No, especially with mum being the stubborn woman she is, I think it is time I started keeping a closer eye on her.

But I do wonder how it is all going to work out.

Another concern
I have noticed that I am experiencing tremors in my hands and arms. It is quite odd, feeling like I am shaking/shivering alot of the time. It is sometimes affecting my writing and I have to write slower. If I tense up the tremor feels worse. When I hold my phone up to my ear I can see my hand shaking.

I wonder if it is related to my carpal tunnel, which has not been an issue since I lost weight. The tremors are usually barely visible to anyone but me. They have been around, off and on, for quite a few years, but these last couple of weeks they are not easing, and, as I said, it can feel a little weird sometimes. I have not mentioned it to anyone, I did a little research, it is not uncommon and there is no cure. There are drugs for it if it begins to affect my ability to function.

so much to do

2009-03-26T14:33:00.002+11:00

well, it is four weeks till I leave this city I have resided in for the last 3 and a half years. Perhaps I will miss it. I know I will miss my job and my friends, but I am not so far away that I cannot organise to come for a visit.

Right now I am exhausted. I applied for a job with Centrelink up in the Central Coast recently. On Tuesday night they called me and did a 20 min phone screening, then asked me to be at an assessment session the next day at 2pm. On the central coast. For 2 and a half hours. Of course I said yes, then got off the phone and began stressing. I called mum because I quickly realised that I was going to have to take all three kids with me as I would not get back to the city in time to collect them from their various places after school. She was happy to babysit, thank goodness.

So yesterday I drove from Sydney to Newcastle, deposited my children with my mum, drove back down to the Central Coast, participated in two teamwork activities, filled out a stack of paperwork, and then drove back up to mum's, had dinner and drove back to Sydney. All up, approximately 7hrs of driving. We got home at 9pm.

I then worked on my computer from about 9.30pm till midnight on a training session I will be running next week.

Tired.

Ok, so the assessment appeared to go fine, I may get a call back next week to go up again and do more assessment and testing, and then I may be offered a position. The pay is equivalent to what I get here, the hours are similar and fixed, the working environment will be challenging and I may have to drive an hour each way depending on where I am located. Could be interesting.

Mum has been house hunting for me even though she has not been well, and she viewed a house on Tuesday which she thought I could make a home out of for a while. So on Wednesday I put in the application and now I am waiting to hear. The property manager took a shine to mum, so I feel like I have a good chance.

D and I are going well. Our r'ship is kind of comfy at the moment, we chat a little most days and I find I am not stressing or bothered if I do not hear from him. I enjoy my independence and I am incredibly grateful that he is not clingy or needy, I enjoy it a little, but not alot. He is really looking forward to me moving up and us having a chance to spend time getting to know each other.

My Tattoo

2009-03-22T10:55:00.003+11:00

I got this on my right hip the other day, all part of the 'living life' thing I am doing lol. Getting a tat was never on my list of things to do, but when I went to NZ I realised I wanted something a little more permanent than a t-shirt or a piece of jewelery. The photo was taken about an hour after the job, so that is why it is a bit red round the edges.

No, it is not really a mid-life crisis...or is it?

2009-03-22T10:47:00.001+11:00

Someone said to me the other day that it was almost like I was having my mid life crisis now. I can see what they mean, and I guess that what I am doing is alot like that. I think a mid life crisis is when you get to a point in your life where you wonder if that is all there is to it, and you freak out a bit and go do some crazy stuff.

Well, yes, I have done that in a sense, but it was mainly about rediscovering who I am as a person, learning some valuable lessons about what I want and need, and who I want around me as part of that. I also needed to do the things that I had dreamed about for years, that I kept putting aside because 'other stuff' was more important.

I feel ready for a new phase in my life. I feel relieved that I have experienced some of what life has to offer. I felt like I was boring, all I did was work and raise kids, and I wanted to have something other than that as part of my memories.

You don't have to do something big to make yourself feel that way. Write a list of dreams you have, from the little to the big, and try to make just one or two of them happen for you. One of my smallest goals was to learn how to do strike throughs on html stuff. Another was to lose 5kgs, another was to start dancing. All of these were pretty easily achievable and I felt so good about ticking them off my list that I wanted to keep going with slightly bigger stuff.

And I did.

Now it is your turn.

The Promise by Tracey Chapman

2009-03-12T22:29:00.000+11:00

If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
I in your heart.

Mona Lisa Smile

2009-03-09T17:16:00.002+11:00

There has been alot of speculation over the years over what exactly Mona Lisa is thinking about when she had her portrait painted. In her quiet smile and wistful eyes I see a glimpse of myself.

I believe she is thinking of a lover. I believe she is not in the room with the painter, but miles away musing on a moment shared with a person who brightens her day and touches her heart. I have found myself with that very look upon my face when I day dream of D, of a moment we have shared, whether it be the first time we held hands and I felt the shock of contact ripple through me. Or the first time we kissed and it felt like heaven on earth. It may even be when I think of the last time we spent time together and I remember how good it felt to be back in his arms again after so much had happened between us.

She smiles because she is in love.

lifes little lessons

2009-03-07T23:27:00.004+11:00

I wish I had someone I could talk to about how I feel about D. About how he makes me swing from one emotion to another without even knowing it. In fact, it is not him that does it, but me and my head. My head is a pain in the ass sometimes, with the scenarios it concocts to make my insecurities come to the surface, instead of just letting me go with the flow.

Music has such an amazing influence on me. I listen to alot of music and I find that I will hear a song and think 'oh, that is a perfect way to describe how I feel', like "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, or "Your arms feel like home" by 3 Doors Down. And when I am unhappy there is always song about unrequited love, or painful loss, to assist me with my mood, lol. D and I both love music, we both feel influenced by it, we have similar taste in music.

I want so much for things to go ok for us. I get that it is not going to be easy. I have come to realise that generally all people want is to be accepted as the flawed person they are, but when in a relationship that acceptance can take a back seat to what we perceive as our own needs and wants. We get caught up in our own expectations of how things should be. I often wonder if I am capable of accepting another flawed person in my life, when I struggle so hard with my own flaws at times. I do believe that acceptance is the key to a long lasting relationship tho, that you love the person in spite of their faults, and maybe a little because of them.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should accept things that are morally or ethically wrong, like a guy thinking it is ok to smack a woman now and then. I am talking about things like, a guy who never puts the toilet seat down (I have a friend who really cares about this, lol), or he...god, I don't know, but I am sure you get what I mean just from that one example, lol. I mean, do these things really matter? They can matter. They can be the little things that add up to make an unhappy relationship. But really, if we just accepted the small stuff, and were tougher on the big stuff, surley that would make for a better, longer lasting relationship.

Like, I already know that D has trouble turning up to something on time. That does not mean that that something is not important to him, it is just that things happen and he gets side tracked and before you know it he is late. Now I am a bit pedantic about being on time. This could be a future conflict for us if I come to resent it. Or, I could choose to accept it and then adapt us to suit. Eg I have heard of people telling their partners that they have to leave at such and such a time, but the time is actually half an hour before they need to leave, so that then no one is stressing about getting out the door on time. The difference is accepting it and going with it, rather than trying to change him and bend things to how I want them to be.

If only it were all as simple as that example, but I realise it won't be. I do definitley need to take a chill pill tho.

Another area of possible contention is his difficulty with saving money, well, with not spending it, lol. He really struggles with this, so much so that he could not see how he and I would manage on our two incomes (which totally blew me away cos to me we would have been very cosy indeed). I have learnt alot over the years, about budgeting, and buying out of need rather than want. I like having money in my account, and I like not having debt. I am in a good position financially at this point in my life and I like it. But I can see that if D and I combine, then I will have to hold the purse strings so that we are able to have a comfortable life. He and I have actually discussed this already, so thankfully he is aware of his weakness and feels okay with having me handle things. I am so far in credit with one of my child care providers that they actually asked me to stop paying them money. It is great cos it will be an extra lot of money I can put away each week, woo!

I often question the need for relationships. I used to do this alot when I was with my Ex, it was an interest of mine. Really, relationships are primarily for procreation and maybe company. There is not really any good reason for us to persist in staying with a partner for an extended length of time. But still, we seek out 'the one', our soulmate, the Yin to our Yang. And when we think we have found it we want everything to be perfect. It is easy too get caught up in the emotions and feelings etc. But reality quickly kicks in.

Things I have discovered about myself recently
- for me, good sex is heavily controlled by my thinking. I can switch myself on or off physically by what I think about. This affects the experience.

- I do like affection, but not as much as I thought I did. I require space. I do not like clingyness. Yes, I like a hug, or a touch, but not all the time.

- I like sex, but do not need or want it every day. The anticipation is as much fun as the act.

- I like spending time with people, but require my own space at some point. I start to feel crowded if I spend too much time with someone. How much time is too much? No idea. Depends on the person.

- I am willing to compromise, but thankfully have learnt to put my foot down and not be afraid to speak up when I really want something.

- That I get cranky/bitchy when I feel crowded. That the best thing I can do is go get myself some space, whether that is by going off to read a book, or put my headphones on, or go for a walk.

- that I am quick to react. I really do need to take a chill pill.

2009-03-07T20:57:00.003+11:00

Tonight I find myself struck by the urge to write. And by that I do not mean writing my blog, although I have neglected it badly lately. No, I am referring to creative writing. I have written bits and pieces off and on over the years, but realised tonight that the last time I really set to it was about 10 years ago. Perhaps it is time to get the brain juices flowing again.

D and I are going well. We are avoiding making grand plans related to my move, we are simply looking forward to the chance to get to know each other properly.

I have applied for two full-time library jobs in the Newcastle area, they are both library assistant positions, one is at a uni and one is a public library. I will hopefully hear from them before the end of the month. I will also be applying for a customer service position with Maritime NSW, the pay is similar to what I get now and it sounds like it could be an interesting job, at least for a while, lol. I am confident I will get some sort of work.

I have booked a storage facility up there and will be taking some stuff up next weekend. I will be doing regular trips up and depositing stuff each time, so that when the time comes only the essentials will need to be moved. I kind of wish I could do a self move, not sure if that is feasible at this stage, although I have enough people at each end to help pack/unpack the truck, and I have done it before. hmmm, well I shall consider it. It would certainly be cheaper than removalists.

I am getting a tattoo Sunday week, of a kiwi bird shape made out of a fern. See below...

It will be all black though.

I was at the zorbing in NZ and I had already decided that I wanted a tat, just had not found the design. I saw this pic on the door of the Zorb office and said 'that's it!!!' But I forgot to take a photo of it, and made no notes about the co. that used the design. So later that day, when I was about 2 hours drive away, I realised my mistake. That night I spent hours searching for the pic online, with no success. The next morning I phoned the Zorb office and asked them to tell me the info that was on the pic, they did, I googled it, and found the pic online. And soon it will be on my back. lol It is perfect and it is going to hurt like a biatch.

My mum was rather tired after caring for my boys for the week. She exclaimed to me that she needed a holiday. When I phoned her a couple of days later she told me she had had early nights for the last few days to recover. She is too young to be so tired and I worry.

D is worrying at the moment, about his parents. His mum is in need of a hip replacement, he said she appears to be in a bit of pain, but even though she has private health cover she won't go and organise the surgery. I wonder what she is afraid of. D's dad has an aneurism near his heart and at a recent check-up was told that his heart beat was erratic and he would need to go for an ECG. D seems pretty stressed about both of them and I wish I could be there to support him better. So now we are both worrying about our parents. Amazing how it comes full circle, they spend years worrying about us, until there comes a point, when we, the children, have grown up a bit and formed a more mature outlook, and we begin to worry about them. Hmmm, that is as it should be.

Scott has hair under his arms. There is no doubt about it now, he is not my baby anymore, he is a smelly, grumpy, still cuddly, teen. sigh. And he is my height, which he just loves gloating about. He is going to love being able to lean on me in a few short years. Perhaps he will tower over me like my bros do. God I love him so much. I love all of my boys. They are so precious to me. I hope and pray that they will all continue to talk to me over the years, that they will always know I love them, even when I am angry or disappointed with them. I wish for so much for them, but have no control over their paths, only very basic guidance that I can give. Being a parent is the hardest job of all at times.

Home

2009-03-04T21:08:00.003+11:00

Yep, back from NZ and had a great time.

zorbing at Rotorua

Sledging (riding rapids on a boogey board)

heading into the depths of the earth

I am so glad I went. I did abseiling and caving, mountain biking and kayaking, I rode in a sky lift and screamed on a Sky Swing (similar to a bungy but you are sitting down). I visited Rotorua mud pools and lazed in thermal pools. I was amazed by the view from Auckland's Sky Tower at night, and awed by the magnificence of Kauri trees. I spent two days driving around the coast of the upper half of the North Island. It was a great experience and I want to do it again one day.

The kids stayed at my mums while I was away and apparently there were no problems, but she was very tired and glad they were going when I picked them up. I think maybe a week was a big ask.

When I got off the plane back into Sydney I was assailed by the stench. Sydney really truly stinks. I am happy to be moving to a semi-rural area. Ias also blown away by how incredibly noisy it is outside my window of a morning. I actually missed this noise when I went bush in Jan, but my goodness it is really grating on me after a week in NZ. The country over there is beautiful, even thee cities are not that overwhelming with traffic, and clean! So clean! There is a huge emphasis on recycling and not littering and councils take a vested interest in maintaining their towns. I was impressed.

Money wise I felt the comparison was good. Milk, books, and petrol were the things that I noticed were much more expensive than here. Oh, and people don't go and sit in pubs and drink, they go to one of the many licensed restaurants and cafes and have civilised conversations over dinner and a bottle of whatever. Most alcohol (not spirits) is sold in the supermarket in the aisle next to the cereal aisle. Eating out was expensive though, the average main course was more than $15, which put it out of my budget. Subway is more common than McDonalds and they still have the Pizza Hut Restaurants. I had Kumara chips one time, yum yum, and fish and chips another, yum yum.

I look forward to taking the kids over when they are a bit older.

It is sooo close

2009-02-19T15:05:00.002+11:00

Only 39 hours till the plane is scheduled to taxi down the run way and take me to NZ. I am so so so excited!!!!!

D and I have continued to chat and will be spending a couple of hours together tomorrow morning, before I take the boys to my mums for the week. I have no idea where things will go with us.

I am applying for a position at a library near mum and so was forced to let my supervisor know that I intended to leave within the next couple of months. She looked like she was going to cry, but I simply explained that I felt I needed to be closer to my mother. The position advertisement closes on the 27th February, while I am still in NZ. I expect that if I get an interview it will be around two weeks after that date.

I have told my supervisor that I would not leave my current position before May, this is because I need to juggle kids, schools, and the cost of the move as well, so a move before then is not really feasible. If the new library wants me then they will be willing to wait I think, and if not, well...I do not mind. Other jobs will come up and if I am up there then I will be in a good position to apply for them. A colleague who I have spoken to pointed out that I could use any free time I have to do some Professional Development, she has a good point.

I am still feeling positive about the move. Scared, because a move is a big decision anytime, but positive. The boys are excited, my ex seems to have little or no issue with it, and my mum is looking forward to it. Not sure what the reality of being up there is going to be like, but it will be a life experience.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

2009-02-15T13:25:00.002+11:00

I hope that made you laugh like it made me laugh.

Well, I wrote nearly two weeks ago. Things have changed a little.

I am moving closer to mum in June. I visited her recently and was not impressed with how she is looking and sounding. I have been reading 'Feel the Fear and Do it anyway' and it prompted me to take the step. I feel calm since, and comfortable with my decision. I will give notice at work once I come back from NZ. I think work will be gutted, I have done some good things there, but the time has come for me to move on. Funny how I have had a complete turn around, from thinking I would be there forever, to not really minding that I shall be leaving within a couple of months. The kids are excited about moving closer to my bros.

I have cooled things with S. I like him as a friend, but that is it.

Things with D have picked up again. Going to take it reeeaaal slow this time and not get quite so caught up in the emotions. I must say, how I feel for him has not changed, and I get the definite impression from him that he is the same. It is scary and amazing that we cannot seem to let go of each other. I think we need to spend some real time together to really see if there is a future for us. Spending time in person is different to online and texting.

I went and saw the movie 'He's just not into you' last Friday. Fantastic chick flick, absolutely loved it. Cinema was filled with women and we all interacted with the movie, saying 'awwww' and 'oh no' at certain times. One of the characters was bemoaning todays technology and I can't say I completely disagree.

Once upon a time you only had letters to communicate your love....then phones. Phones were a wonderful invention. But then we got greedy and created mobiles, so we are accessible ALL the time...then all these social networking sites, etc etc. Now we can get rejected in so many different ways. Apparently most people are now dumped/rejected via MSN Messenger and SMS. Sad isn't it. In some ways I wish it was back to just phones. I liken emails to love letters, so they can be nice to have too, but all this availability has made women more obsessive. So now we check our emails five times a day, have our phone on us constantly and check to see if it is working (because he still hasn't called...), log into messenger every chance we get, check our Facebook page, check our Myspace page, check his Myspace page.........but we aren't desperate.

go figure

Sigh.

Goddammit......oh, it isn't so bad I guess....

2009-02-03T21:00:00.003+11:00

I am heartsick over D. I miss him incredibly. We have had almost no contact for about 3 weeks and most of the time I am ok, well, when I am busy I am ok. But in those moments when life is quiet memories of him rise up and overwhelm me and I find myself wishing for him to be back in my life.

I spend time with S and find myself thinking of D almost the entire time. I am glad that S and I are just friends because to be more than that with him would be a lie.

I am going to NZ in 18 days. I am so excited by this, to have this momentous event ticked off my list would be awesome. When I get back I will be counting down to the Pink concert in July, then I will be counting down to the day I move closer to my mum.

Mum is rather excited by the thought of having me a bit closer, not sure why, lol. Personally, I am concerned about her health, I don't think she is telling me everything I need to know. I do get some feedback from my brothers and they say she is pretty stressed and gets headaches that flatten her for a day or two. I would like to have a job to go to up there, but if it gets to October (when my lease runs out) and I don't, I will move up anyway by the time Term 4 ends, and maybe work with mum for a bit till I get work. She has a cleaning business and I know she would welcome the help.

The kids have settled in to a new year of school. Scott is in Year 8 and I am praying for a better year this year. I am sitting with him now while he completes some homework (title pages, is there really a point to these?). We have spent an hour on Maths work, this is his particular weakness and an area I will push him in this year. So far he is happy with his teachers and his buddy who was a major distraction last year is only in three of his classes.

Work is good. Been really busy last week, and this week is looking to be the same. Got welcomed back by more of my parents today, such a good feeling. My schedule is getting busier as I get in touch with more of my outreach places (or they call me) and as I continue to prepare for upcoming weeks (particularly the time when I am away).

My weight...hmmm...not sure I want to talk about it. I think I have put on at least two kilos. Not happy with myself about falling off the wagon. Only I can make the changes needed though.

on a bit of a downer

2009-01-22T22:12:00.003+11:00

yeh, not feeling top of the world today. Went to see the counsellor on Tuesday, sat in the waiting room for an hour with no sign of him, and left. Spent the last half hour of the waiting justifying staying there by thinking about how i really will not be able to fit in another visit any time soon. Had to give up tho, had my toddler coming home within the following half hour and was not interested in rushing the session. So I have to forge ahead 'alone' so to speak.

Been trying to work out what might have triggered this current state of mind. I told a whopper of a lie recently and it is really sitting badly with me, so that could be part of it. Went on a date last night, a second date, but third time we have met, this is with M. He is a nice guy, very gentlemanly and funny online, but in person he is rather irritating and i could see that i probably was not going to see him again. So maybe that was part of it too.

Work is fine, I am a little bored and I have not been back a week yet. I guess it is up to me to spice it up, so to speak. Got a few training sessions coming up so that should make things interesting. I have to run some training sessions as a result of the training i am going to, should finally get me that pay rise, lol. I am looking forward to seeing the kiddies next week and singing again.

My time spent with S is going well, we have been spending at least one day together for the last 6 or 7 weeks. Recently we had a chat and he has told me he is not looking to settle down at this point. However we talk at least twice a day on the phone, spend an hour chatting on line, text through the day, he has met my mum (she likes him), and my ex (that was funny, neither my ex and I were expecting S to be there and ex was very unsettled, managed to pull together enough to spend five or so minutes discussing bikes with S). hmmmm. Well, I enjoy his company and we are friends, and for now I shall be happy with that.

But maybe that too is adding to my emotional state. I heard that bloody Nickelback song today that is every lonely persons anthem....ummm....Gotta Be Somebody. I used to sing that at the top of my lungs and now I just want to hide under a rock when i hear it. So I don;t think that helped today.

sigh

Toddler is gorgeous. We have been watching Playschool Nursery Rhymes over and over again this week, his favourite is Jack and Jill. When Jack is going up the hill Toddler says 'Careful!', then when Jack falls down (yet again, lol), Toddler sighs and says 'Fix it with paper!'. He is such a character. We read a Bob the Builder book that is about Bob having a birthday. So Toddler doesn't sing 'Bob the Builder, can we fix it', he sings ' Bob the Builder, birthday cake' over and over, lol. He also likes to run around in circles singing Jingle Bells. Hmmm, he sings alot. He is very sweet and very cheeky and I adore him.

My older two are at my mum's this week. It means this week has been rather less stressful and much quieter. I will be having all of them pretty much full time as of next week, it will be somewhat challenging and I will need to keep a close eye on my emotions and make sure I get enough sleep.

A sight I love to behold

2009-01-18T18:58:00.002+11:00

Time flies...

2009-01-18T16:08:00.003+11:00

After some more miscommunication D and I have gone our separate ways.

I have been spending quite a bit of time with S and have also had a couple of dates with M. I enjoy S very much, M is much quieter and much more gentlemanly, not sure how either will progress. X is sailing out in a couple of weeks, so my personal time will be greatly reduced.

I am going to NZ. After my last drama with D I said "F*** it" and booked a ticket. Life is too short to worry about things like the kids missing school for one week, or people at work being all needy. I fly out on the 21st Feb.

Started back at work last Friday, it was like I had never been away.

On Holiday

2009-01-01T09:36:00.003+11:00

I am on my best friends farm enjoying a break from the city. The kids are here with me and at this point are having an okay time. We are here for a week, I am sure by then I will have had enough of them, lol. I am loving spending time with my friend tho.

We celebrated New Year's Eve last night with a few drinks and a few games of poker. It was a nice evening but I was glad to get to bed.

I am having serious withdrawals from being online and chatting to people. It has only been one day and I am missing it soooo bad! My mobile doesn't work out here either, I am not on the right network.

I picked up and read a copy of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', and found that it summed up my relationship with D almost perfectly. It was rather bizarre reading it and nodding every few lines. D and I have continued to be in tentative contact, and I met up with him on Christmas Day and spent a couple of hours with him. I discovered that I still felt the spark, but I was reserved with him as I want to proceed cautiously and from what he has said, so does he. He has read through the Depression information I sent him and has said that he sees he has some work to do, he has also said that he will be seeing his doctor early in the new year.

This list is getting smaller

2008-12-22T15:55:00.001+11:00

Things I dream of doing...

~~Dance~~

~~Bike License~~

NZ trip

Caving

~~learn how to do strikethroughs~~

buy my own home

~~lose 5kgs~~

~~lose 10kgs~~ YAY ME!!!!!

lose 20kgs

Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.

Skydive

Go to the top of centrepoint tower at night

~~Ride on my motorbike~~

~~have sex~~ make love (please God, it has been soooo long) ...(ok, so I have had sex since I wrote this, but am yet to make love. The sex was very nice though, lol)

~~be kissed by a man who I am not related to~~

~~be held by a man who I am not related to~~

Back, to some extent

2008-12-22T15:30:00.003+11:00

Part of my need to go offline was because D had been in touch with me again. Basically he was begging me to give him another chance. I needed to take some time out to consider it.

Lying is my number 1 deal breaker. As much as he says he cares about me and wants me in his life, I do not know whether I can get past the lies he told in order to push me away in the first place. I do not know whether I want to risk being hurt by him again. To add to this confusion is the fact that while he has professed his feelings for me, he still does not call or message or text me when he says he is going to. There is always an excuse.

I deserve better.

I have had some discussion with him over how I am feeling towards him and what he has done. He has expressed hurt that I have been meeting other people (I had to laugh at that). We are yet to make a clean break. There has been alot of damage done to my trust and the distance is not helping. I don't know whether we can have a future together.

I have been chatting to a couple of people, and have met one in the last week or so. Not interested in a relationship with this man (he was actually trying to get his ex back and I provided a shoulder for him to cry on), but enjoyed his company. Another person I am talking to, M, I am looking forward to meeting in the future.

I am not sleeping well. I am not eating well. I have still lost weight - 11kgs in 12 weeks, but I am not making any effort in that area at the moment. My dance classes have finished for the year, I have already booked and paid for next years, they start at the end of January.

I passed my theory test for my bike license easily and have spent about 4 hours riding around the back streets of my area getting a feel for the bike. I am just about ready to take it home (I have been storing it at my ex's place). The first time I sat on it I stalled a number of times before I even got it oout of the driveway, this is because I did not know where the friction point on the clutch was, lol, and was letting the clutch out too fast. I am at the point now where it is not a problem. I love riding.

The kids and I celebrated Christmas yesterday because I do not have them for Christmas this year. We built lego all morning, ate lots of bad foods, had turkey and chocolate saucy pudding for lunch/dinner and veged all afternoon. It was a nice day. X is taking them up the coast to visit one of his brothers for Christmas, then I get them back on the 27th. I am working the 29th and 30th, and heading off, with the kids, to my best friends place on the 31st, for a week. It is the highlight of my holidays.

Going to take a break

2008-12-14T03:39:00.003+11:00

from meeting people, from blogging, from the online world. I am feeling a little tired, and a bit vulnerable, and am worried about hurting guys unnecessarily, even when I have made it clear that I am only looking for friends at this stage in my life. So I shall just step away for a while.

I passed my bike training, I am a theory test away from being on the road. I am excited about this.

R hasn't spoken to me again, that is now a good thing. I have let everyone else that I was chatting to know that I won't be around for awhile.

I have some thinking to do.

tired, but happy with myself

2008-12-09T14:04:00.003+11:00

Last night I did part one of my two part motorbike riders pre-learner course. Tonight I do part 2 and either epic fail, or pass, lol.

I haven't been so cranky with myself in a long time as I was last night, so it was a real swing of emotions for me. The three guys in my group all had some riding experience, albeit illegal, whereas little old me has had almost nothing. So I held the group up a fair bit at times, because I just plain struggled. The instructor was good, he just kept yelling at me, lol, but he was reinforcing what I needed to know and remember. It is a bit like dancing for me, I understand what is supposed to happen and what I am supposed to be doing, but getting the message to my hands and feet is another story, lol.

One of the biggest important factors is your posture - if you have bad 'bike' posture you will have bad riding, and I wasn't getting the positioning quite right until one of the people in a different group came off their bikes. Our instructor went over to help and debrief with her and came back to tell us that she fell because of bad posture - stiff arms, wrists high, not slouched. So after that I got my act together.

There is alot to learn and take in. I want this so bad tho. When I was getting cranky with myself I was swearing a bit and saying to myself 'I CAN do this, I am going to do this', man I have stubborn streak in me, lol. And I did get there. I took longer than the guys, but I did get there and so I am proud of myself. I have massive bruises on my legs tho, from the foot pedals. Comes from being a short ass, lol.

I am looking forward to getting on MY bike and getting to know it well. I would love to do a basic m/bike owners course, so I know how to look after it properly, be able to do a basic service on it, that kind of thing. I can look into it anyway.

Dating - R has gone all quiet on me since we discussed our meeting. He had asked me if I had had a nice time, I said 'yes, nice company, nice conversation', but that I was undecided about a second date (prefer to be honest, don't like giving false hope). He seemed ok with that. Perhaps we will chat later in the week.

moving on

2008-12-03T20:29:00.004+11:00

Had a really good day emotionally today. Spoke to my best friend and bitched about D, lol, felt good.

hmmm

2008-12-02T23:54:00.002+11:00

D got in touch with me briefly tonight. My physical reaction was that I initially felt sick in the stomach (this is normal when I am feeling strong emotions, I haven't been able to eat much for the last week for this very reason, today was the first good day where I felt hungry), then I began getting heart palpitations. Mentally I felt angry. Here is our conversation, albeit it was brief.

12/2/2008	11:21:01 PM	D	Amber	It's late and I don't want to get into it too much right now. But i withdrew because I realised my pipe dreams and promises weren't possible. I am embarrassed, depressed at the state of both my finances and in other areas my life. I don't know how to talk, I've never had anyone to talk to. So what I do is just withdraw into myself. It's safe. I am sorry.
12/2/2008	11:21:26 PM	Amber	D	well i thought together they were possible
12/2/2008	11:21:29 PM	D	Amber	I understand it will fill your mind with endless scenarios but I don't know what to do about it yet.
12/2/2008	11:21:37 PM	Amber	D	i care about you
12/2/2008	11:21:44 PM	Amber	D	that is what i felt was important
12/2/2008	11:22:02 PM	Amber	D	i was hurt that you couldn't talk to me about what was happening for you
12/2/2008	11:22:26 PM	D	Amber	It is important. I like knowing you care and I know you do.
12/2/2008	11:22:49 PM	D	Amber	But until I know I can, without stuffing around 3 kids and you ...... I can't do it.
12/2/2008	11:23:01 PM	D	Amber	I don't know what to do about it.
12/2/2008	11:23:04 PM	Amber	D	ah daz

12/2/2008	11:23:09 PM	Amber	D	you give me no credit
12/2/2008	11:23:13 PM	Amber	D	and the dreams were yours
12/2/2008	11:23:23 PM	Amber	D	but not ours
12/2/2008	11:23:36 PM	Amber	D	we could have talked about OUR dreams


12/2/2008	11:24:01 PM	Amber	D	yes to the house and the car and whatever, but we could have adapted them to suit US better
12/2/2008	11:24:23 PM	Amber	D	you had it set in your head that it HAD to be a particular way
12/2/2008	11:24:37 PM	D	Amber	I need to get to bed.
12/2/2008	11:25:03 PM	Amber	D	yes
12/2/2008	11:25:06 PM	Amber	D	say hi to nat
12/2/2008	11:25:13 PM	Amber	D	that hurt really bad
12/2/2008	11:25:21 PM	Amber	D	only saw it yesterday
12/2/2008	11:26:16 PM	Amber	D	or sunday night, it was in the last couple of days
12/2/2008	11:26:26 PM	Amber	D	made me question everything you had ever said to me
12/2/2008	11:26:30 PM	Amber	D	and i didn't like that
12/2/2008	11:26:39 PM	Amber	D	i had trusted you implicitly

Just to clarify - I went to look at his Myspace page, I think it was Sunday, and discovered that he had posted himself as being in a relationship with someone called Nat. I laughed initially (because it seemed completely left field and also something he would do if he wanted to hurt someone), but then started wondering if I hadn't just been used after all. It made me very very angry. And the conversation ended there because I think he went offline between 'only saw it yesterday' and 'or sunday night'.

So I am looking forward to seeing what happens next. I am angry at how I have been treated.

Saw the doc today and had my mental health assessed. I am not a fruit loop, lol. But I am depressed, and a reactive depressed like I thought. Seeing the counsellor in two weeks, the doc in three. Doc wants to do blood tests as well to rule out any other stuff. Happy with todays outcome.

feeling pretty good

2008-12-02T13:17:00.003+11:00

yes, I actually feel pretty good today. Had a couple of down moments, but they really were just moments and not all-consuming.

I found that I really enjoyed chatting to three guys last night. One of them works in charity, one is a building designer, and the other is a bricklayer at the moment, but has plans to go out on the oil rigs in the near future. They were all pleasant.

I found that while I was chatting to them I did not think of D at all, this surprised me when I realised it afterwards. I do miss him though, we got on so well and he was very funny. sigh.

Work is fine. I am not really interested in it at the moment, I am kind of going through the motions. I expect to get over this, especially after my holidays in Jan (two weeks, one with kids and one possibly without).

I have made the tentative decision to move up closer to my mum at the end of next year, something I never thought I would do, but after realising how easy it would be for me to give up my job here I figured that I could seriously consider it. I would like to be closer to my family, but not too close, lol. They would like me next door! But I would like to own my own place and I am thinking that maybe I could plan for that to happen and look at buying up there.

my list, I need new dreams, lol

2008-12-01T13:32:00.003+11:00

Things I dream of doing...

~~Dance~~

Bike License

NZ trip

Caving

~~learn how to do strikethroughs~~

buy my own home

~~lose 5kgs~~

~~lose 10kgs~~ YAY ME!!!!!

lose 20kgs

Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.

Skydive

Climb to the top of centrepoint tower

Ride on my motorbike

~~have sex~~ make love (please God, it has been soooo long) ...(ok, so I have had sex since I wrote this, but am yet to make love. The sex was very nice though, lol)

~~be kissed by a man who I am not related to~~ and the kisses were divine

~~be held by a man who I am not related to~~ yeh, these hugs were nice too, sigh.

See what I mean, I need new dreams. Thoughts, anyone?

Not happy today

2008-12-01T12:57:00.004+11:00

well, today, to put it bluntly, I feel like shit. I am tired, my eyes hurt (and I haven't shed very many tears, so I don't know why they hurt) and I feel emotional and unpleasant.

I sent D a message last night asking him to explain to me what happened, since I really do have no idea. No reply as yet, and it wouldn't actually surprise me if I never get one.

Caught up online with a guy who I had been chatting to when I met D, so I sent him a hi saying I was back online if he wanted to talk some time. He was a nice bloke, but he was never going to be able to compete with D's charm, lol. I am not the type of girl to keep a man in reserve in case things don't work out, so I had said to him that I would be happy to be friends, he wasn't keen and so we haven't spoken much since.

There are some interesting people out there. I like hearing about other people's lives and interests and I think these sites are a good way to do that. I haven't figured out irc chat rooms, so I am staying away from them until my bro's can give me a lesson or two in how to use them.

I have decided to continue sticking to my 9pm-11pm time limit online, I feel like it is something I can controll. It will also mean I get to bed at a decent hour. I think I will also continue the 'rules' I had set for myself. I know I deserve to be treated well. I AM a NICE girl.

Had a good chat to my best friend last night. We have come such a long way together. She wanted to call D and abuse him, which I found very funny, but I appreciated the fact she cared about me enough to want to do that. Besides, I still like D, stupid, I know, but he really did tick all my boxes and so it is hard not to like him. Also talked to my mum and skimmed over the surface of what had happened with D. I had spoken to her previously about D's condition, and how I wasn't sure if I was up to it, so when I told her that D and I weren't dating anymore I let her think it was because I had decided I couldn't handle it. She is disappointed for me, but she commented on the positive change she had seen in me over the last few weeks and how much she had seen me grow in self-confidence. I know she will check in with me through the week to see how I am, and I will put on a happy face. I do feel fine most of the time, I see it as me battening down the hatches.

Music is a great help. I have been having my car stereo blasting, my window down, and I scream the lyrics of songs I know. It is very cathartic, lol.

oh well

2008-11-30T14:54:00.004+11:00

It appears that my lovely romance has ended. Not sure quite what happened, because as you may have already read the communication had dropped off almost completely. So I am a little confused, a bit hurt, and very disappointed. But you know what, I am not devastated, and I thought I would be.

D is an awesome guy. I still like him, I still have alot of respect for him, and I have a basic understanding of his condition. I am disappointed in his decision to not be up front with me, but I can live with it.

I learnt abit about myself through this experience, which I think is fantastic. Now I have a better understanding of who I am as a person, as an individual, and not as a mother, or a wife, or a friend.

I like me.

Not sure if I am going to fall apart over the next couple of days or weeks, I don't think so. I am looking forward to talking with a counsellor and continuing my self-exploration.

continued on from yesterday

2008-11-28T13:08:00.005+11:00

I am feeling more positive today. I was online with D for a little while last night, he was feeling very down. I put myself out there and made him aware that I would stick around. He didn't have alot to say. That is ok, I am not taking it personally anymore, I get that it is how he is feeling in the moment, and really, it isn't too rational. When he comes out of it maybe we will sit down and discuss some achievable goals, as he had set himself some very hard ones.

One of the pieces of advice that my friend gave me was to do what D asked and back off on the contact until he is ready, but to send maybe one or two messages through the day just to keep in touch. So I sent him my usual 'good morning' when I woke at 6am, and tonight I will send him a text at some point. I have picked my phone up a few times to send a message, then put it away again without doing anything.

I wanted to celebrate successfully losing 10kgs in 10 weeks with someone, so I texted my best friend and another friend instead. My loss will mean more to them than to D anyway. I am aiming to lose another 14kgs, I figure it will take me about 20 weeks, so mid-March thereabouts. The only pain in the bum about losing weight is that my clothes don't fit! Well, some of it is fitting much better, some is falling off. My work clothes are falling off, but some colleagues have given me a couple of pieces and also made some suggestions about how to fix what I have so I get a bit more wear out of them.

I am going out tonight with a group of girls who are all single parents. We are going to a Greek restaurant. Should be a blast. It is a catered party and is supposed to run from 7pm - 3am, but I plan to be home by midnight as I have to work tomorrow morning, and then I am driving up to see mum and my bro's in the afternoon. We are having a family meeting about Christmas, lol.

the learning curve continues

2008-11-27T23:26:00.003+11:00

I spent some time reading about depression today. I appear to have something called reactive depression, which occurs when I have a major event in my life and I feel overwhelmed. D, on the other hand, appears to have a more severe type of depression which can actually be genetic. I am basing that judgement on the symptoms he has exhibited so far. In his case it is something that will recur periodically.

So tonight I had to think about whether I was willing to continue as his girlfriend, knowing that he has a form of depression that could be emotionally draining for me, and maybe for my kids.

It isn't an easy decision. This is a big thing. But, it is something that is treatable and can be managed. I had to look at whether I could be strong enough to support both myself and him when times got tough. I had to look at how I was going to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health during tough times. That is a good question for the psych. Better to be armed with knowledge than going in to it blind.

So then I looked at what I knew of D so far. I considered the many things we had spoken about. I thought about the connection I had felt with him, and how, so often when he spoke, it felt like I was the one speaking because our thoughts were so similar. I thought about how good it felt when he touched me, and how much he loved my touch. I thought about so much. And through it all I was asking myself, 'will this be enough?' Is there enough of a connection, enough similarities, to get us through tough times?

I think there is. I am being tested emotionally at the moment. I am very glad that I am seeking help now. It is the right time for me to do this. I can face my own issues, and hopefully come through stronger than ever. That is not to say that I won't have days where I struggle, but hopefully it will be easier to get through it.

People are flawed. God did not make us into perfect beings. He made us so we could complement each other. He made us so that we would recognise our imperfections and be humbled by them. I am flawed. D is flawed.

Today I have begun learning about how to handle D, although I hope it isn't too late. I have an online friend who is a grief counsellor, she has had some experience with severe depression. She gave me some good advice and an ear to bend, which is what I needed most. It was good to talk to someone about what was happening with D. I feel more positive about the situation. I always feel better when I have some knowledge of what is happening, rather than feeling like I am walking blind.

I don't expect this to be an easy path. I don't expect it to be all pretty flowers and sunshine. Life is not like that.

so what now?

2008-11-26T15:39:00.002+11:00

I heard from D this morning. Basically he is feeling the same as I am, severely depressed, lol. Ok, so that isn't funny, but it is funny that both of us are feeling so shitty at the same time. Well, I can see the amusing side of it anyway. He said to me that he cares for me and that once he is, shall I say 'recovered', we will try again. ok. Doesn't help my depression, but at least I know we aren't completely over. So I shall continue to text him and if he is online, I will say 'hi'. That is all I can do for now, I suppose.

hmmm

2008-11-25T20:30:00.002+11:00

I just did a search and discovered that everything I have ever posted under my username is on the web to be seen. Including this blog. Not very good at being discreet, am I, lol. Well, I have nothing on here that I would want to hide anyway, if someone was looking. And if they read something they didn't like I would hope they would discuss it with me. Unless it is X, and then he deserves every bit of angry blog posting I ever wrote.

oh, and...

2008-11-25T20:04:00.001+11:00

I suck at not texting my boyfriend, lol. But he isn't texting me and that is adding to my pain. I wonder if it is over?

and yet....

2008-11-25T20:00:00.001+11:00

while I face my pain I can stop and celebrate my toddler doing his first number 2 on the toilet - he asked to be taken. This is a BIG moment!